NO TEARS IN THE END - xmas decorations and insanity- JournalHome.com

NO TEARS IN THE END

12/13/2005 - xmas decorations and insanity

Posted in Journal Entries

i put up xmas stuff tonight and it just didn't feel ... well it didn't feel like anything. i just haven't been able to get into xmas since daddy died. it's like i'm stuck. i remember so vividly the pain and emptiness that mom and shannon (my little sis) and i felt. we opened presents, and there were some of dad's under the tree that we had forgotten about. we set up the tree the weekend before he died, otherwise it wouldn't have gone up at all that year. we had already recieved presents from family in other states and they of course had sent presents for dad as well. we were just recovering from my nana (mom's mom) dying 6 weeks before daddy died and it was like we were just lost. it was my last xmas as a kid - i was 17 - and i was supposed to be having fun. but it was like i was broken. it was like i was watching a movie and i felt so sad for these people, but i couldn't touch my own sadness. i kept it at bay while i was drunk and high, and then 4 months later, i finally broke. and it was like there was so much pain that i thought i was going to die myself. and then i wished that i was. so i took the leap and told my counseler that, and then i got locked in the state nuthouse. it was my senior year!! i was locked up during my prom and graduation and spring break. senior year is supposed to be the best. some best ... first nana dies, then dad, then i go nuts and get locked up. do you know what it's like to be a kid in the nuthouse. first everyone you know all of a sudden acts like you're a lepper and they're gonna catch crazy from you. no one writes, or calls. mom visits when she can, but being 3 hours away makes it hard cuz oh yeah she's gotta work 2 jobs since daddy died. then there's this male staff member that's kinda cute and he says he'll give you extra level points on the behavior chart just cuz you're so cute. then one night you wake up to see him hovering over your bed during rounds and you know what he wants. but like who are you gonna tell? who's gonna believe a teenage nut? so it's just easier to get things over with ... you've been there before. and on the nights when he's not there you hear the echos of howl's and cries coming from bradley's room. and that's understandable, b/c he did watch as his dad put a shotgun in his mom's mouth and pull the trigger ... twice ... and he had to testify against him for his 13th birthday. and then there's jennifer - her dad began renting her out to his friends, and then strangers when she was 8 and she was on the street making money by the time she was 11. and then you realize that you are now one of them. and always will be.

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