12/17/2005 - murderer and rapist

so earlier this week 2 guys that i went to h.s. with were finally convicted of attempted murder after 4 years.  they robbed and shot and paralized a resturant manager.  the heavy thing for me is that i could have put them away 15 years ago.  well, maybe i could have.  these 2 brothers ran with the same crowd that i did, which was a bad and rough crowd.  anyway, i gave them a ride home one day and they invited me in to some a joint, which i was doing back then, when i was 16.  so we went in their house and lit up.  after an hour so so, they decided that i should have sex with both of them. since i'd done several of their cousins and friends at this point, this did not seem like a strange request to them.  and honestly if i had been in the least bit attracted to them, i probley would have done them.  but i was so unattracted to them both that the thought of them even thinking that i would consent was so absurd to me that i began to laugh histarically.  needless to say, this pissed them off.  they decided that they were going to take it if i wouldn't give it to them.  and being the kinds of guys that they are, they pulled out the gun hidden in a backpack and told me not to fight.  so, having been in this situation before, b/c like i said, these were the kind of peeople that i hung with, and the situations that i put myself in, i didn't fight for long.  so one held the gun while the other took his turn and then they swapped, the gun at my head just in case the fight arose in me again.  after i left i tried to decide if i should tell me dad, who was a leutenitant police officer at this time.  my dad was deffinately a big fish in a little pond at the time and i knew that if i told anyone then not only would i be under the microscope, then dad and the rest of the family would be too. and since everyone knew my reputation - i was the bad daughter , drinking, drugs, sex, etc. and not giving a shit who knew about it - i doubted that anyone would believe it.  it bascially would be my word against theirs.  and i was considered a slut junkie.  and as everyone knows you can't rape a slut - at least that's what my 16 year old mind told me.  so i told no one.  well, a few days later dad came home so mad that i can't find a word appropriate enough to describe it accurately.  he said that he'd gotten a call at work from a father who had read in his daughters diary.  she had written that she had heard her 3 brothers talking.  her brothers were takling about a girl that 2 of them had had sex with, while the younger one watched.  and the girl had my name.  apparently the younger brother was watching from the hall - b/c this took palce on the living room couch - and afterwards the 2 of them educated the younger brother on just how to do it.  but they all just referred to it as sex.  like i was just servicing them and there was no mention of the gun.  so the father of them was pissed that i had sex with his 2 sons in front of his other son and now his daughter knew about it too.  and he wanted my dad to know just what a slut i was and how dare i expose his precious children to this and that i should be punished.  well, of course dad came home and jumped on me about it and yelling at me wanting to know how i could do this to him and embarass him and bring more shame to the family and now even more people are going to know how i am.  so then i decided that if he wasn't even going to ask me if it was true or what my side of the story was then i wasn't going to tell him.  so i just saat there and didn't say anything.  i let him believe that things happened just as he'd heard they did - that i had had consentual sex with 2 brothers while their little brother looked on and that i was to blame.  b/c like who was going to believe that i had actually been raped - again - not with my repuation in that town.  so once again, just like the 2 times before, i said nothing.  b/c the first time i told my mom, she couldn't believe me b/c i lied so much that she couldn't take the chance to ruin a man's life on just my word.  then these 2 brothers commit this robbery, after years of law breaking in between, and almost kill the manager, who didn't die but ended up paralized.  they committed this robbery whil a 1st grade class was touring the kithcen of the resturant at that very moment.  so this couragous manager gave them the cash and was helping them leave, when they shot him anyway.  and i just can't help but think that these 1st grades and employees, and manager could have all been spared this horror if i had just spoken up all those years ago.  i feel that i share the responsibility for their actions from that day so long ago to this day.  i hope to be forgiven, but by who?  i can't begin to feel forgiveness for my lack of action after they did that to me, to try to prevent them from hurting anyone else.  i will carry this forever.

12/17/2005 - Great story!

12/17/2005 - Doubt it