1/10/2006 - where the fuck was this god then?

last week was such a bad week, that it seems that i'm hung over this week just from the extreme emotional effort that i used up just trying to keep sane.  how stupid is that?? i know.  actually something good did happen last week, i found and old (ok not old like old but old like from long ago) friend of mine from hs.  actually i re-found her.  we lost touch for like a year and then low and behold, i found her - and after such a bad week, it gave me such a smile to hear from her.  gave me somewhere else to put my mind for a few minutes.

ya see, last week i found out that my 9 yo daughter, pooh, had been being sexually abused and molested.  it was by another boy, and she was so afraid that she was wrong that she just didn't tell anyone.  it goes beyond "playing house" or "playing doctor" - this boy had her acting out scenes from his "daddy's movie" and he persued her relentlessly until she gave in and (in her words) "just got it over with".  the way she describes feeling and the words that she uses, are the same exact phrases and words that i used.  and this has been going on for 1 1/2 to 2 years.    it breaks my heart that she had to go thru that.  i promised that i was going to break the cycle of molestation in my family.  i was molested from 7-10 yo and my mom was molseted as a girl too.  and it probley went back farther than that.  it just pisses me off that men, and now boys just see girls as targets.  pieces of flesh for them to satisfy them selves with, and screw what the girl is feeling and screw the fact that it changes her forever.  it changes the very core of who she is and who she will become.  this little boy just cared about his dick.  and it infuriates me tha the even said - when we confronted him - that he didn't care if she wanted to be made to do these things, but he wanted it.  they both agree that he'd bring it up and keep "bugging" her until she gave in and just submitted.  and she thinks that just b/c she wasn't "hurt" - like hit or slapped - that that means that she agreed.  it's aamazing how at the age of 8 this boy has already learned how to make her feel like it was not only her idea too, but also her fault.  just by the fact that she has a female body and he gained access to her.  i hate myself that i allowed this boy to get to her and frankly i want to hurt him.  i want to pound him and make him bleed.  i have never felt this way about a child.  i spent my 20's as a preschool teacher and believed that there were no bad kids, just bad situations.  but now i thin ki have to alter that to there my not be bad kids, but there are definately broken kids and my child needs protection from those kind.  my brain keep telling me that this child is broken and out of control of his urges - having been molested himself by his cousin's (on his dad's side) since he was a baby until he was 6 - so i know that his thought process and his reasoning is flawed.  but in my heart, that doesn't change the fact that i want to break him.  i am afraid that when i see him again, that i will loose all control and haul off and just begin beating him.  it was all i could do not to throttle him last week.  i actually came across the room at him and had fists clinched, and raised.  then i remembered that he was 8 - and my sister's youngest son - and that at one point i loved him.

my entire family is broken.  things like this make me question that whole god issue again. where the fuck was god when my baby's innocence and trust and vitality were being murdered?  where the fuck was god when an old man started finding me at 7 yo "sexy"?  where the fuck was god when my mom was biineg tortured too?  i guess he had better things to do.  something was more improtant that a childs innocence.  or wait, maybe we were supposed to "learn" something.  i am so sick and tired of when bad shit happend, bible thumpers are always there telling everyone that "god has his reasons" and "it's all a part of god's plan".  what about my mom's plan.  what about my plan.  what aobut my daughter's plan.  were thay not good anough for this precious god??   if there is s god, and people say that things happen for a reason, i'd like to ask - what fucked up reasoning is there for damaging innocent children like this?  huh?  what possible fucking end could this be serving?  not a fucking thing, that's what. 

to say the least i am enraged ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !