1/20/2006 - i wish i could gather all the tears you've made me cry, SO I CAN FUCKING DROWN YOU IN THEM

i can't even believe what a bad night i had last night.  one minute i was talking to my friend joy, and the next minute i'm getting a plate thrown at me.  apparently jethro had a bad day at work and when he came over to talk to me about it i said the wrong thing.  still not sure what it was, probley won't ever know.  but between him being drunk and the cops showing up and then him driving thru the gate, i'm just tired.  i cried so much last night that i actually don't have any tears left.  my eyes are so dry from so much crying.  i didn't know that was possible.  i look great.  eyes all puffy and red and swollen and they feel like they're gonna pop out of my head if i sneeze.  i am just so tired of playing this game.  acting like we are together when we so are not.  we don't talk, we don't touch, we don't even stay in the same room with each other.  so what am i waiting for?  last time i left him, my whole family cut me off and took his side.  and after a few months i just gave up ... gave in and let him back and began on the next "act" of the play that has become my life.  no, not play ... tragedy.  thru come miracle pooh slept thru all of this last nite.  thanks for small favors, huh. it's just that i'm at the point that i don't even care any more.  i truly just don't give a shit what anyone else thinks, cuz no one else has to live my life.  i do damn it.  and it pretty much sucks right now.  i know that i said i'd try to work on our relationship, but in the last 2 years, since we got back together, i have been spinning my tires in the mud and he's been doin nothing.  it's like he went, "ok, i'm back in so the hard part's over"  well, guess again jerk.  i'm tired of being treated like i don't matter. like i don't exist.  i am here.  i have  a right to be happy ... i must ... everyone else does.  he won't love me and treat me right, but he won't leave me alone and let me find anyone else who wants to love me either.  and being the loyal person that i am, i can't just start up with someone else without wrapping up loose ends here first.  so, i'm wrapping.  even if there is no one right now who wants to apply for the position, i know that there will be.  i want someone who's like the song say's  "aint' a pretty boy toy" and who'll  "rock me steady"   and until then, i think i'd like to be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong reasons.  and being with some one just so tha ti'm not alone, is the wrong reason.  i can do bad by  my damn self, i don't need to be dodging plates at 9 at night and pretend that he loves me.  so here i am ... the morning after.  where do i go from here?  i'll find my way.  and in the process, i'll show my daughter that she won't need some man to make her complete and hopefully she won't end up confusing attention for love.