1/31/2006 - 2 sad 2 cry

i am so confused.  numb.  sore.  i have come to realization recently that i'm too old and too tired to keep living my life the way i have been ... in hiding and scared.  so once i made the decision to change things, i actually felt better - a little boosted.  and then i decided that i'd that i'd have a talk with my husband about my decision to move on - based mostly on his actions and decidions of the last year.  and then i waited until pooh was at school to talk to him, b/c i know him well enough to know that the talk will turn into a yelling, cussing, namecalling invitation for him.  so, i waited, for a moment alone with him, and for courage.  but he must know that i've ocme to this conclusion, b/c since friday - after he spent the night at a "friend's" house - a friend thqat he's never mentioned ever! - he hasn't been alone with me.  he has been on vacation and been out of the house as soon as pooh goes out to meet the bus, and comes home in time to take a nap - he just goes straight to sleep.  the thing is that i want to have a civilized conversation with him and let him know what i want ... what i need ... for my life.  and i want to talk stuff out while we can.  without pooh being home to witness it again.  she's seen enough.  but how am i supposed to talk to someone who litterally won't talk to me or be in the same room with me without our daughter there too.  he knows that i won't start anything with her home, so he's safe.  wish the same could be said for him.  i still love him, and always will - b/c of pooh and the fact that we've shared a lot over the last 12 years, and we were a family, but i love or not, i can't live like this anymore.  i ca't keep faking my life.  and even if i could, i don't want to anymore.  i don't like who i've become ... or who i am when i'm around him.  it's not entirely his fault.  i let him treat me this way for so long, how can he that i don't deserve this.  that i don't like this kind of treatment.  i've always forgiven the cheating - with the women and men - and the lying and the harrassment, and the putdowns, and the ignoring, and dismissals, and just the lack of love he shows toward me.  used to be the only time he ever considered my feelings and tried to be nice to me was when he wanted to get laid, but now that we don'e even do that, well, i never get any consideration from him.  you'd think that since i'm the one who cooks his meals that he'd be a little more sensitive to me.    i keep job hunting and am disheartened that there is nothing but "job opprotunities" out there that are shady to say the least.  and i know that i can't make a move yet without beind able to support pooh and me.  it's not fair to her if i can't.  my brother and his wife have offered to let us stay with them as long as we need, but that'd mean moving pooh away from her friends and 3 hrs away from her dad - and no matter how unloving, inattentive, and neglectful of a husband he's been - he's basically been a good dad to her moslty.  and i wouldn't keep her away from him (not for his benefit) but b/c i know what it's like to want to see your dad and not be able to, and i won't be responsible for making my child feel that way.  so i have to stay here in town.  and that means that i'm on my own ... which scares me.  not the alone part - anymore - but the no support.  which is crazy b/c i've been without any emotional, mental, and physical support from my significant other for years now.  i mean seriously - he left this marriage a long time agao when he stopped hugging me, loving me, touching me, talking to me, having sex with me, kissing me, cherishing me, respecting me, trusting in me, supporting me, standing up for me against his family and friends who put me down, and just plain believing in me.  he's been gone for a long time now but just doesn't have th eguts to actually leave!  well, i'm done pretending like that makes a marriage.  i'm done faking it to myself and the world.  hell, he "lost" his wedding band 2 years ago and hasn't had "enough money" to buy a new one.  ok!  but he's had money to go to the drag race weekends and to buy beer and to go out with his friends, and go to hockey games and to go to monster truck rallies, and stuff like that.  but oh no, don't have any money to go out and but even a crappy $50 band from wal-mart, just to show the world that you're married. oh no!!!!!  he didn't even have his band for 9 months in the first place!!!  i just don't have the energy to give a fuck anymore.  i'm tired.  i'm lonely.  and i'm done.  he won't be loving to me, but won't let me get loved by anyone else either.  well, he doesn't have a choice anymore.  it's my life that i'm missing out on.  i can't even have friends - in "real life" - b/c i can't go visit them, or go out with them, or talk to them - b/c he get's all jelous.  just like everytime i'm chatting with a friend on yahoo or here, he's all looking over my shoulder, and all of a sudden he wants to come over and give me a kiss in the head ... so he can see over my head to the montior.  i was talking with a guy friend of mine on yahoo last nite when he woke up and came out into the living room and noticed what i was doin adn all of a sudden he wasn't tired.  he set up the playstation right behind me and aimed his chair so he could see the montior of the computer.  i'm sure it was just a conincedence.  yeah, right.  and the fact is that the guy i was talking to ... i'd actually prefer to talk to him.  at least he makes me feel wanted - like he give a shit that i'm talking to him.  he actually seems to enjoy talking to me.  which is strange to me ... feeling appreciated for  ......... hell, anything about myself.  one of my girlfriends has inspired me though.  she and i seem to have several similar experiences and she has made it thru hers, and it now in the light at the other side of the tunnel.  she is newly inlove and happy and feeling positive about her life.  used to be i would have been jelous, b/c i never had the strength to do it too.  but now that i've made my decision, i fell motivated to action by her actions and their outcomes.  ok, so i may never love a man who loves me  in return or be "loved" again by a man that i love, but at least there' sthe possiblity again that i'll feel it again.  instead of just resigning myself to living a lie and having a life devoid of love.  that's something at least.  that's hope. and it's scary and exciting and liberating and did i mention scary.  but i'm hopeful that something changing will make things better in my life and more importantly in pooh's life and how she learns to serach for love and what kind of man she chooses to love and let love her.  and frankly, that's more improtant to me than any possible love life i'll have and damn sure more important than ANY MAN ON EARTH EVER!!!!!