1/18/2006 - finding an old friend

so it seems that along with the rain falling in my life of late, there is also some sun.  in the last month i have gotten back in touch with a long lost friend from h.s. - hi joy!

 
and my best friend, bobby, who moved to florida - haven't talked to him in a month, which is strange for us.  we usually talk several times a week, and for a long time.  so we talked for 2 hours last night.  which is about the usual amount of time that we talk.  i've missed him, and even though we spent the whole time talking about his latest boyfriend and what a jerk he's been, it was still good to hear his voice and his comfort to me. 

and then later my big brother, traive, calls and tells me that his first baby is due 2 days after mom's birthday in may.  i am so excited for him.  and i haven't talked to him in over a year due to phone issues he has.  miss him so much too.

and then, another long lost friend of mine from college, chris, messengered me.  and we blabbed for hours until 4am.  it was especially nice to hear from chris b/c he made me laugh so hard last nite that i was in tears and actually talking back at the coumpter.  weird, i know.  you see, the thing is that in college i had kind of a crush on him.  he is just such a sweet guy, he's smart, he's cute in that "shy guy" kinda way, he's got a dry sense of humor that just gets to me, and he is so shy and blushes all the time.  or maybe i am just so loud and abrasive that i just embarrass him so much.  which is totally not what i intend to do, but it's kinda who i am.  some people just have a "low mariah tollerance level", and i'm well aware of that since my dad was one of those people. i'm the comic relief, b/c god forbid that i let anyone see that i have any weaknesses.  as open as i am here i am just as closed in real life.  i can feel free here b/c i just believe that no one reads my stuff, so it free's me to be honest with no fear that anyone will hurt me, or use my fears against me. but in the "real world" i use my humor to defend myself.  ya know, make fun of myself before anyone else can do it.  but anyway, i had such fun with chris last nite talking about nothing ... everything.  music, movies, the cops.  it was always easy for me to talk to him.  which doesn't happen very often with me.  usually i keep things pretty superficial b/c i have trust issues.  i know ... you're shocked.  and the weird thing is that he had some nice things to say about me and he also said i was too self depricating - well, yeah, but that's also actually how i see myself - and pretty much how others in my life seem me - or at least that's what i hear them say - but it's truly how i feel, i just disguise it as self depricating humor - i must be doing a good job at it.  jeez, talk about self pity and no confidence.  ok, so i'm still working on that.  but it was nice to hear that i have something positive to offer others.  even if it is only once in a while and even if it is hard for me to believe it's still nice to hear it.  you'd think that the people in my life who "love" me would tell me things like that more often ... well, i'll let ya know when it actually happens.  but don't hold your breath.  i don't .  i live so much of my life behind a mask, that it was nice to be able to take it off for a while.  it's confusing to me that i can be so much more myself with these friends of mine, but not have the courage to be this way all the time.  guess i just trust them not to use any of that agaist me to hurt me.  oh wow!  i trust them!  cool.  see what happens when i stop thinking and just express how i'm feeling ... i actually make revelations about myself.  screw thereapy.  who needs it!?!  i can just blog !  ;-)) 

anyway i'm gald to have joy, bobby, travie, and chris back in my life.  it's brought some much needed sunshine into my rainy days.  they have bouyed me above the flood line that is my life these last few days, and i am more grateful than they surely will ever know. 

 hugs & kisses
 ~m~