1/11/2006 - ONE EYED CAT - POOR BABY

By TERRENCE PETTY, Associated Press Writer Tue Jan 10, 11:58 PM ET

PORTLAND, Ore. - A photo of a one-eyed kitten named Cy drew more

 than a little skepticism when it turned up on various Web sites, but

 medical authorities have a name for the bizarre condition.

"Holoprosencephaly" causes facial deformities, according to the National

 Institute for Neurological Disorders and Stroke, part of the

National Institutes of Health. In the worst cases, a single eye is located

 where the nose should be, according to the institute's Web site.

Traci Allen says the kitten she named Cy, short for Cyclops, was born the

 night of Dec. 28 with the single eye and no nose.

"You don't expect to see something like that," the 35-year-old Allen said

 by telephone from her home in Redmond in central Oregon.

Allen said she stayed up all night with the deformed kitten on her recliner,

 feeding Cy a liquid formula through a syringe. She says she cared for the

 kitten the next day as well, until it died that evening.

Allen had taken digital pictures that she provided to The Associated

 Press. Some bloggers have questioned the authenticity of the photo

 distributed on Jan. 6.

AP regional photo editor Tom Stathis said he took extensive steps to

 confirm the one-eyed cat was not a hoax. Stathis had Allen ship him the

 memory card that was in her camera. On the card were a number of

 pictures - including holiday snapshots, and four pictures of a one-eyed

 kitten. The kitten pictures showed the animal from different perspectives.

Fabricating those images in sequence and in the camera's original picture

 format, from the varying perspectives, would have been virtually

 impossible, Stathis said.

Meanwhile, Cy the one-eyed cat may be dead, but it has not left the

 building.

Allen said she's keeping the cat's corpse in her freezer for now, in case

 scientists would like it for research.

She said one thing's for certain: "I'm not going to put it on eBay."

1/10/2006 - where the fuck was this god then?

last week was such a bad week, that it seems that i'm hung over this week just from the extreme emotional effort that i used up just trying to keep sane.  how stupid is that?? i know.  actually something good did happen last week, i found and old (ok not old like old but old like from long ago) friend of mine from hs.  actually i re-found her.  we lost touch for like a year and then low and behold, i found her - and after such a bad week, it gave me such a smile to hear from her.  gave me somewhere else to put my mind for a few minutes.

ya see, last week i found out that my 9 yo daughter, pooh, had been being sexually abused and molested.  it was by another boy, and she was so afraid that she was wrong that she just didn't tell anyone.  it goes beyond "playing house" or "playing doctor" - this boy had her acting out scenes from his "daddy's movie" and he persued her relentlessly until she gave in and (in her words) "just got it over with".  the way she describes feeling and the words that she uses, are the same exact phrases and words that i used.  and this has been going on for 1 1/2 to 2 years.    it breaks my heart that she had to go thru that.  i promised that i was going to break the cycle of molestation in my family.  i was molested from 7-10 yo and my mom was molseted as a girl too.  and it probley went back farther than that.  it just pisses me off that men, and now boys just see girls as targets.  pieces of flesh for them to satisfy them selves with, and screw what the girl is feeling and screw the fact that it changes her forever.  it changes the very core of who she is and who she will become.  this little boy just cared about his dick.  and it infuriates me tha the even said - when we confronted him - that he didn't care if she wanted to be made to do these things, but he wanted it.  they both agree that he'd bring it up and keep "bugging" her until she gave in and just submitted.  and she thinks that just b/c she wasn't "hurt" - like hit or slapped - that that means that she agreed.  it's aamazing how at the age of 8 this boy has already learned how to make her feel like it was not only her idea too, but also her fault.  just by the fact that she has a female body and he gained access to her.  i hate myself that i allowed this boy to get to her and frankly i want to hurt him.  i want to pound him and make him bleed.  i have never felt this way about a child.  i spent my 20's as a preschool teacher and believed that there were no bad kids, just bad situations.  but now i thin ki have to alter that to there my not be bad kids, but there are definately broken kids and my child needs protection from those kind.  my brain keep telling me that this child is broken and out of control of his urges - having been molested himself by his cousin's (on his dad's side) since he was a baby until he was 6 - so i know that his thought process and his reasoning is flawed.  but in my heart, that doesn't change the fact that i want to break him.  i am afraid that when i see him again, that i will loose all control and haul off and just begin beating him.  it was all i could do not to throttle him last week.  i actually came across the room at him and had fists clinched, and raised.  then i remembered that he was 8 - and my sister's youngest son - and that at one point i loved him.

my entire family is broken.  things like this make me question that whole god issue again. where the fuck was god when my baby's innocence and trust and vitality were being murdered?  where the fuck was god when an old man started finding me at 7 yo "sexy"?  where the fuck was god when my mom was biineg tortured too?  i guess he had better things to do.  something was more improtant that a childs innocence.  or wait, maybe we were supposed to "learn" something.  i am so sick and tired of when bad shit happend, bible thumpers are always there telling everyone that "god has his reasons" and "it's all a part of god's plan".  what about my mom's plan.  what about my plan.  what aobut my daughter's plan.  were thay not good anough for this precious god??   if there is s god, and people say that things happen for a reason, i'd like to ask - what fucked up reasoning is there for damaging innocent children like this?  huh?  what possible fucking end could this be serving?  not a fucking thing, that's what. 

to say the least i am enraged ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

12/26/2005 - i could be my own worst enemy

="swapImg('image10','image102');window.status='Pixie Tricks Home Page';return true;" ="swapImg('image10','image101');window.status='';return true;" href="http://www.pixietricks.com/">it's funny, but i just looked in the mirror and saw the same person i was yesterday.  i often wonder what kind of woman i will become or i guess i have already become.  people have told me that i shine in their eyes.  they see me and they see someone who has accomplished many things despite severe obsitcales.  i tell them thank you and offer a little smile.  but i have a confession: mostly the smiles are forced and fake.  how could they all be genuine when there has always been someone telling me that i just wasn't good enough?  that "someone" was a beast that has existed inside of me for so long, feeding on my doubts and fears.  i guess it's true that we are at times our own worst enemy.  everyday i struggle to love myself, to smile at the imperfect image i see in the mirror and even to laugh at the ditsyness that is second nature to me by now.  i try to remember that i am intelligent, and that people say i am kind and loyal, and funny.  i strive to accept me ... a woman who has her full share of flaws.  but at times i want to curse that mirror for sending back the reflection of someone i thought would never mesmerize anyone again with her beauty or have admiring eyes cast upon her anymore when she walked into a room.  now here i am, longing to blossom into a "phenomenal woman".  deep inside i know that i will never truly be phenominal if this beast continues to live within me.  that's why today i will murder that monster inside with the only weapon that could ever do the job - self love.  there is nothing more powerful.  it can not fail me.  so on this morning, i want to declare that i am beautiful, i am charming, i am intelligent, i am talented, i am hilarious, and as long as i believe it, then i will go places.  it's in the glimmer in my mind's eye, the smoothness of my voice, the shine of my hair, the depth of my thinking.  

now if only i can keep this up after i leave my room!!

12/22/2005 - IT'S A KILT THING !!!!!! CRY FREEDOM !!!!!!

WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IS WHEN I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL (86-93) EVERY YEAR THERE WAS A HUGE GROUP OF JOCKS WHO DRESSED UP AS GIRLS FOR HALLOWEEN.  THEY WORE THEIR MOTHERS, AND SISTERS DRESSES TO SCHOOL AND SOME DRESSED UP AS DOLLY PARTON AND OTHER FAMOUS WOMEN.  NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.  EVEN WHEN THESE GUYS WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO WERE DRESSED UP.  AND THEY ALSO DID IT ON DARES AND AFTER A LOST BET ON GAMES.  NOW THESE IDIOTS GOT AWAY WITH THIS AND THIS SENIOR IN MO. CAN'T WEAR A KILT TO A DANCE!!! WHAT THE HELL????  I'D UNDERSTAND IF HE WAS MAKING FUN OR BEING RACIALLY INSENSITIVE, BUT IT WAS IN FACT THE EXACT OPPOSITE.  I MEAN JEEZ, HE IS JUST WANTING TO SHOW HIS PRIDE IN HIS HERITAGE.  THIS IS JUST ONE MORE WAY THAT SO MANY IN THIS COUNTRY - ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDWEST WHERE I LIVE AND THIS INCIDENT TOOK PLACE - ARE FEELING FREE TO BE ACTIVILY AND PROUDLY BIGGOTED AND OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE WHO THEY SEE AS A MINORITY OR AS BEING - IN THEIR MINDS - "DIFFERENT".  IT SEEMS LIKE THE WHOLE DAMN COUNTRY IS TAKING THEIR LEAD FROM THE HEAD BIGGOT IN WASHINGTON D.C. WHO OPENLY FLAUNTS HIS DISCRIMINITORY ATTITUDE TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN AND ENCOURAGES THEM TO DO THE SAME.  AND THE SCHOOL SITES THEIR DRESS CODE!!  HA!!!  THAT'S BULLSHIT, B/C I CAN GURANTEE THAT THEY ARE LIKE THE REST OF THE COUNTRY AND THEY HAVE GIRLS WALKING THE HALLS RIGHT NOW WITH THEIR LOW RIDER JEANS SHOWING THEIR ASSES, BELLY, AND G-STRINGS HANGING OUT WHEN THEY'RE WALKING AND HAVE THE CRACKS OF THEIR ASSES SHOWING WORSE THAN ANY PLUMBER WHEN THEY SIT AND BEND OVER. THEN THEY WEAR THEIR LOW-CUT-CROP-TOP-BABY-DOLL SHIRTS WHERE THEY HAVE THEIR BOOBS FALLING OUT OF THE BOTTOM OR POPPING OUT OF THE TOP, IF NOT BOTH.  THESE HOOTCHIE GIRLS ARE WALKING AROUND THE SCHOOL AND SCHOOL FUNCTIONS LOOKING LIKE HOOKERS AND THERE IS NO WAY THE SCHOOL CAN SEND THEM ALL HOME, CUZ THEN 3/4 OF THE GIRLS WOULD BE ABSENT.  I MEAN LET'S GET REAL FOLKS.  IF PRINCE CHARLES CAN WEAR A KILT WITH THE WAY HE LOOKS, THEN WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS KID SHOWING PRIDE IN HIS HERITAGE?  GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!  JUST IN CASE YOU ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH THE STORY, JUST FOLLOW THE LINKS TO THE ONLINE PETITION FOR THE PRINCIPAL TO APPOLOGIZE AND A LINK TO THE SCHOOL DISTRICT.

On the Net:

12/20/2005 - HOLIDAY HOEDOWN

SO LAST NIGHT WAS POOH BEAR'S SCHOOL XMAS PROGRAM.  IT WAS CALLED "HOLIDAY HOEDOWN", WHERE SANTA AND THE ELVES DECIDED TO OPEN A THEATRE IN BRANSON, MO WITH DOLLY AND ELVIS AS OPENING ACTS.  POOH WAS SO CUTE!!!  SHE WAS DRESSED AS AN ELF - POINTY HAT, ELF EARS, LITTLE WREATH EARRINGS, SILVER BELLS ON SHOES, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS.  SHE HAD A PART IN THE PLAY WERE ELIVS SHOWS UP AND SHE HAS TO RUN TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE AND SWOON FOR ELVIS AND FAINT TO THE GROUND.  IT WAS SO CUTE AND SHE WAS SO EXCITED.  SHE LOVES ELVIS ANYWAY, AND MY DAD WAS A DEAD RINGER (NO PUN) FOR ELVIS.  IT'S STRANGE, WHEN DAD WAS YOUNG, HE LOOKED LIKE YOUNG ELIVS, AND AS DAD AGED, HE LOOKED MORE LIKE OLD ELVIS.  THEY BOTH KINDA SPREAD AS THEY AGED, AND BOTH OF THEM WERE SOUTHERN BORN - MY DAD FROM CHATTANOOGA - AND BOTH OF THEM DIED SUDDENLY AT THE AGE OF 42. 

BUT ANYWAY, POOH WAS SO CUTE IN HER PLAY LAST NIGHT AND MOM CAME TO WATCH IT AND BROUGHT MY NEPHEWS - MOM'S RAISING MY LITTLE SISTER'S BOYS - MUNCH 11, AND SHUG 8 - MY SISTER IS SUCH A LOSER. 

THE CONCERT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF THE PARENTS BEHIND US WEREN'T DRUNK.  I WAS GETTING BUZZED JUST SMELLING THE BEER FROM THEIR LAUGHS.  AND OH MY GOSH THEY WERE LOUD.  I MEAN SERIOUSLY, HOW WHITE TRASHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BE DRUNK BEFORE 6PM AND THEN COME TO YOUR KIDS XMAS PROGRAMLOADED?  I KNOW I'M NOT ONE TO JUDGE ANYONE ELSE'S ADDICTIONS, BUT THE ONE THING I CAN SAY IS THAT AT LEAST I NEVER HAD ANY KIDS TO DRAG ALONG THROUGH HELL WITH ME AND MY ADDICTIONS.  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO HARD FOR ME TO FORGIVE OF MYSELF, SO MUCH MORE THAN ALL THE OTHER STUFF THAT I DID.  I FELT SO BAD FOR THE DAUGHTERS OF THE PEOPLE BEHIND US, AND THEIR OLDEST DAUGHTER IN 6TH GRADE TRIED TO SHUFFLE THEM OUT THE DOOR AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AFTER THE SHOW.  SHE LOOKED SO ASHAMED.  I JUST WANTED TO HUG HER, B/C SHE'S SUCH A SWEET GIRL, IN SPITE OF HER PARENTS.  SHE PRACTICALLY RAISES HER LITTLE SISTER IN 2ND GRADE. 

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT XMAS IS ONLY 5 DAYS AWAY.  I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT THIS YEAR.  I AM GOING GIFT SHOPPING WITH CRISSY TOMORROW AND THEN FINISHING MY SHOPPING ON FIRDAY, SO I HOPE THAT WILL GET ME INTO THE SPIRIT.  I'M SO TIRED OF HAVING TO FAKE IT.  I'M TIRED OF HAVING TO FAKE MY LIFE.  LAST NIGHT I WASN'T FAKING THOUGH.  I WAS ACTUALLY HAPPY.  IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE FELT GENUINE HAPPINESS, THAT IT WAS LIKE BEING DRUNK.  WEIRD, HUH. GOOD WEIRD THOUGH.

12/17/2005 - murderer and rapist

so earlier this week 2 guys that i went to h.s. with were finally convicted of attempted murder after 4 years.  they robbed and shot and paralized a resturant manager.  the heavy thing for me is that i could have put them away 15 years ago.  well, maybe i could have.  these 2 brothers ran with the same crowd that i did, which was a bad and rough crowd.  anyway, i gave them a ride home one day and they invited me in to some a joint, which i was doing back then, when i was 16.  so we went in their house and lit up.  after an hour so so, they decided that i should have sex with both of them. since i'd done several of their cousins and friends at this point, this did not seem like a strange request to them.  and honestly if i had been in the least bit attracted to them, i probley would have done them.  but i was so unattracted to them both that the thought of them even thinking that i would consent was so absurd to me that i began to laugh histarically.  needless to say, this pissed them off.  they decided that they were going to take it if i wouldn't give it to them.  and being the kinds of guys that they are, they pulled out the gun hidden in a backpack and told me not to fight.  so, having been in this situation before, b/c like i said, these were the kind of peeople that i hung with, and the situations that i put myself in, i didn't fight for long.  so one held the gun while the other took his turn and then they swapped, the gun at my head just in case the fight arose in me again.  after i left i tried to decide if i should tell me dad, who was a leutenitant police officer at this time.  my dad was deffinately a big fish in a little pond at the time and i knew that if i told anyone then not only would i be under the microscope, then dad and the rest of the family would be too. and since everyone knew my reputation - i was the bad daughter , drinking, drugs, sex, etc. and not giving a shit who knew about it - i doubted that anyone would believe it.  it bascially would be my word against theirs.  and i was considered a slut junkie.  and as everyone knows you can't rape a slut - at least that's what my 16 year old mind told me.  so i told no one.  well, a few days later dad came home so mad that i can't find a word appropriate enough to describe it accurately.  he said that he'd gotten a call at work from a father who had read in his daughters diary.  she had written that she had heard her 3 brothers talking.  her brothers were takling about a girl that 2 of them had had sex with, while the younger one watched.  and the girl had my name.  apparently the younger brother was watching from the hall - b/c this took palce on the living room couch - and afterwards the 2 of them educated the younger brother on just how to do it.  but they all just referred to it as sex.  like i was just servicing them and there was no mention of the gun.  so the father of them was pissed that i had sex with his 2 sons in front of his other son and now his daughter knew about it too.  and he wanted my dad to know just what a slut i was and how dare i expose his precious children to this and that i should be punished.  well, of course dad came home and jumped on me about it and yelling at me wanting to know how i could do this to him and embarass him and bring more shame to the family and now even more people are going to know how i am.  so then i decided that if he wasn't even going to ask me if it was true or what my side of the story was then i wasn't going to tell him.  so i just saat there and didn't say anything.  i let him believe that things happened just as he'd heard they did - that i had had consentual sex with 2 brothers while their little brother looked on and that i was to blame.  b/c like who was going to believe that i had actually been raped - again - not with my repuation in that town.  so once again, just like the 2 times before, i said nothing.  b/c the first time i told my mom, she couldn't believe me b/c i lied so much that she couldn't take the chance to ruin a man's life on just my word.  then these 2 brothers commit this robbery, after years of law breaking in between, and almost kill the manager, who didn't die but ended up paralized.  they committed this robbery whil a 1st grade class was touring the kithcen of the resturant at that very moment.  so this couragous manager gave them the cash and was helping them leave, when they shot him anyway.  and i just can't help but think that these 1st grades and employees, and manager could have all been spared this horror if i had just spoken up all those years ago.  i feel that i share the responsibility for their actions from that day so long ago to this day.  i hope to be forgiven, but by who?  i can't begin to feel forgiveness for my lack of action after they did that to me, to try to prevent them from hurting anyone else.  i will carry this forever.

12/13/2005 - xmas decorations and insanity

12/13/2005 - my baby boy

so tomorrow will be 6 years since i lost my baby boy - Dakota.  ya know, god could have given me a break and not put dad and dakota's exits in the same week.  i just try to sleep thru this week every year, but life just keeps going on.  the sun rises and the birds sing and life goes on.  makes me want to hurt someone as much as i'm hurting.  but i end up cutting up on me instead.  i know one day that i may cut too deeply or get in trouble with it, but in my fucked up mind it seems better than getting drunk or loaded.  most of the time one cut will do ... but right now my thighs are just thrashed.  jethro and mom keep telling me to "talk to someone" and get back into counseling.  yeah right!  everytime i tell people the truth, they lock me up and force "help" on me.  ya know, if they really wanted to help me, then maybe they could try to understand the warpped way i think and explain it to me.  then maybe i could get over all of this and be normal.  maybe i could NOT have these dreams of daddy and dakota and days that will never come.  how wrong is that to have to dream about my daddy and my son together, daddy died years before any of my kids were even here.  i try to wake up and then when i do it just feels so real that it's like i can hear my dad talking to me.  which is wierd cuz we rarely takled, we mostly yelled at the end, but jeez i was just a teen and if god would have just left him alone then we would have had a chance to work it out.  i would have exited the teen years and then we could have become friends just the way momm and i are now.  it just pisses me off at god, and then that brings me back to my shaky faith.  as with most adults that were raised catholic, i have serious confusion about the whole god issue.  i have more of what i feel is spirituality than religion.  i just think that the good things about spirituality get all mucked up in the religious dogma and then get jammed down throats and it's take it all or leave it all, and oh by the way, we're right and everyone else is wrong and going to hell.  i just don't believe that my kind of god would be so cruel.  we're supposed to be god's children, and i know that as a parent myself, there is nothing that my daughter can ever do that will make me forsake her and abandon her ... even if she forsakes and abandons me.  and i believe that about god as a parent too.  but it still pisses me off that he has to take so much from me.  i just don't get it.  i know that i've done bad things and hurt people, but really - have i been that bad.  see, that's the catholic in me believeing that i'm being punished.  i'd really just love to be loaded right now.  i know.  bad idea.  i think.  no, bad. 

12/10/2005 - THE FIRST WORD

so the first thing you should know about the contents here is that i write like i talk.  when i'm mad, i cuss.  when i'm feeling snippy, i get a little sarcastic, ok, so i get borderline bitchy.  so if you read anything here that offends you, than let me know.  i may give a shit.  jk  seriously, though, please feel free to comment on anything, b/c i'm kinda looking forward to that.  but mostly i'd say that if you read anything here that truly offends you, remember one thing - IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY OPINION THEN DON'T READ MY FUCKING JOURNAL.  some day's i'm damn near normal, but most days i'm pretty messed up.  in my teen years i was labeled as a bipolar, obsessive compulsive, borderline personality, addict.  well, jeez, who isn't somedays!!  ;-p  i'll expand on that later when i'm in the mood. 

on a different note, i guess i'll fill in some of the blanks on who i am ... not that i'm qualified to comment on the subject, but here goes.  i have a 9 year old daughter - Pooh- she's the best thing i've ever done.  i have a husband - Jethro- i've been with him since i was 18, but don't let that fool ya, i did some pretty harsh living before then.  i have 2 step sons - Jr. 17 and Nellon 15 - and the drama that goes with that.   hell, i'm only 12 years older than them.  i have 2 basset hounds - Biscuit (male) & Jelly (fem) - and they entertain me. 

and let's not forget that this is the 13th anniversary of my dad's death.  yea.  that's how much today sucks.  you'd think that after 13 years, i'd be done shedding tears.  i'd think so anyway.  but you'd be wrong.  and so was i.