1/28/2006 - THE CUTTER'S SALVATION

sick of living ...

12/29/2005 - BLOODY TEARS

12/28/2005 - A GOOD NIGHT POEM BY RILKEE

i'd like to sing someone to sleep,

by someone sit, and be still.

i'd like to rock you and murmur a song,

be with you on the fringes of sleep.

be the one and only awake in  the house,

who would know that the night is cold.

i'd like to listen both inside and out,

into you, and the world, and the woods.

the clocks call out with their toiling bells,

and you can see to the bottom of time.

down in the street a stranger goes by,

and bothers a passing dog.

behind come silence, i've laid my eyes

on you like an open hand.

and they hold you lightly and let you go,

when something moves in the dark.

12/27/2005 - NO ONE SEES ME

Sometimes when I cry ...
No one sees my tears.

Sometimes when I'm in pain ...
No one sees I'm hurt.

Sometimes when I'm worried ...
No one sees my stress.

Sometimes when I'm happy ...
No one sees my smile.

But Always, when I screw up ...
Everyone sees a Loser,
Instead of ME.

12/27/2005 - SEEKING

night after night on my bed,

i have sought my true love.

i have sought him,

but not found him.

i have called him,

but he has not answered.

12/26/2005 - JUDGE ME

why can't you judge me for my love,

and not the mistakes i've made?

i swear by who i am,

and not by yesterday.

in between the black and white,

i disappear.

i'm done dying for my past

. . . for the last time.

12/24/2005 - LABELED

LABELED

     ~     MARIAH     ~     
     ~     MOTHER     ~     
     ~     DAUGHTER     ~     
     ~     WIFE     ~     
     ~     SISTER     ~     
     ~     FRIEND     ~     
     ~     IRISH     ~     
     ~     CHEROKEE     ~     
     ~     CREATIVE     ~     
     ~     COLORFUL     ~     
     ~     UNEPMPLOYED     ~     
     ~     ROOM MOTHER     ~     
     ~     TEACHER     ~     
     ~     GENIUS     ~     
     ~     RED HEAD     ~    

     ~     PET OWNER     ~     
     ~     GENIUS     ~     
     ~     DITSY     ~     
     ~     GOOFY     ~     
     ~     HILARIOUS     ~     
     ~     COMIC     ~     
     ~     GODDESS     ~     
     ~     DREAMER     ~     
     ~     BI-POLAR     ~     
     ~     BORDERLINE     ~     
     ~     POST-TRAUMATIC     ~     
     ~     NUTS     ~     
     ~     CRAZY     ~     

     ~     PSYCHO BABY     ~     
     ~     LOCA WEDA     ~     
     ~     LOONEY     ~     
     ~     MAD     ~     
     ~     OFF     ~     
     ~     CHECKED OUT     ~     
     ~     MENTALLY ILL     ~     
     ~     INSANE     ~     
     ~     CRACKERS     ~     
     ~     BANANAS     ~     
     ~     SHELL SHOCKED     ~     
     ~     AROUND THE BEND     ~     
     ~     UNLOVED     ~    

     ~     ADDICT     ~    

     ~     MANIAC     ~    

     ~     PSYCHOTIC     ~    

     ~     NEUROTIC     ~    

     ~     LIFER     ~    

     ~     INSTITUTIONALIZED     ~    

     ~     DRUNK     ~    

     ~     JUNKIE     ~    

     ~     SCARY     ~    

     ~     MISUNDERSTOOD     ~    

     ~     LONELY     ~    

     ~     ENRAGED     ~    

     ~     MEAN     ~    

     ~     BITCH     ~     
     ~     SHREW     ~    

     ~     LAZY     ~    

     ~     SHAMEFUL     ~    

     ~     ANGRY     ~    

     ~     IMMATURE     ~    

     ~     FAT     ~    

     ~     UGLY     ~    

     ~     SHORT     ~    

     ~     UNDESIRABLE     ~    

     ~     ABUSED     ~    

     ~     MOLESTED     ~    

     ~     WARPED     ~    

     ~     BEATEN DOWN     ~    

     ~     CUTTER     ~    

     ~     POWERLESS     ~    

     ~     LOST     ~    

     ~     HEART BROKEN     ~    

     ~     WOUNDED     ~    

     ~     FALLEN     ~    

     ~     VICTIM     ~    

       ~      ...   ...      ~      

     ~     SURVIVOR     ~    

     ~     ...   ...     ~      

12/24/2005 - GONE 4EVER

closing the door, he paused to stand, taking the ring from her hand.  although watching, he could not speak, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

memories of their fun life, young beneath the summer sun.  all he knew was that she was free, he was hurt - she could not see.  her deep blue eyes had grown so cold, and he no longer had her hand to hold.

he was so close. she was so dear.  he whispers "i love you" in her ear.  he said his good-byes, then left a kiss to the girl whom he would always miss.  the door was closed.  his head hung low.  as they carried her casket through the snow.

12/23/2005 - FIGHTER

She's a fighter.

Too scared to let anyone in.

Too afraid of what they'll find.

She keeps fighting.

But she's reached That Point.

The Point where

Pain of the Past meets

Fear of the Future.

That's where most Fighters

Give Up   ...  

Too tired to fight anymore.

12/23/2005 - just this hour

i got up this morning and got down on my knees,

and asked my higher power, "would you help me please?"

you see, i have this addiction ,and it won't go away.

will you help me higher power, not to use just for today?

yes, i know to stay clean and sober i must go to any length,

but when i start to think, it seems i loose my strength.

so i'm calling on you now higher power, please help me, if you can hear.

please take away this urge i have to drink more everclear.

i did all 12 steps, in just one day, so with them i would be done.

but still each day with my obsession, also comes the sun.

"keep coming back", and "easy does it", i hear at meetings,

but my guilt and my resentments keep giving me these beatings.

lately my life is especially unmanageable, and i'm not sure how to cope.

one thing i know is that i can't fix anything by smoking up more dope.

now i've saved up all of my problems, and i've piled them into a mass.

then i call my smart ass sponser and she said, "this too shall pass."

so here i am, on my knees again, begging "please help me higher power,"

and if i find TODAY too long, please help me just this HOUR!!

12/21/2005 - BEAUTIFUL INSIDE

she's got a loving heart,
she's also very kind,
she's got a great personality,
she shouldn't have to hide.

she likes to sing with the radio,
and make people laugh.
she has many hopes and dreams,
trying to choose the right path.

she wants to be happy,
but wishes she could fly,
away from all her problems,
high up in the sky.

what's outside shouldn't matter,
it should be known the world wide.
that no matter what she looks like,
she's beautiful inside.

12/21/2005 - Just for today

just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery,
living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

just for today i will have faith in someone in recovery
who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

just for today i wil have a program. 
i will try to follow it to the best of my ability.

just for today, through my program,
i will try to get a better perspective on my life.

just for today i will be unafraid ...
my thoughts will be on my new associations,
people who are not using and who have found a new way of life.

so long as i follow that way, i have nothing to fear.

and if i find today too long, please help me just this hour.

12/20/2005 - 2 lovers

Two lovers were set apart by the Gods envy. They trapped the boy for eternity in the misty forest. Lead by delusional hope, the girl begged the Gods to let her into the forest to find her beloved. For the girl's sadness and desperair were so overwhelming, the Royal Spirits agreed.
Without sleep or rest she searched for him throughout day and night. As the months passed by, out of loneliness and obsession, the girl began to lose her mind. She began speaking with trees and flowers, hearing her lover's voice in the nightingale's song, and seeing his shape in blades of grass. Her once great love turned into hatred, as in her madness, she blamed her love for the misery she was going through. She therefore began hunting him, seeking revenge for her disastrous fate.

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I'm searching for you - where are you my dear?
Is it your warmth I felt in the wind's morning breath?
And if this torchered thunder was your cry of fear,
Was it me you were calling, in the face of death?

I'm waiting for you - where are you my dear?
I loved you so badly, and  you tore me apart!
But did you see my bitter tears,
when with starlit madness you shattered my heart?

I cannot find you - where are you my dear?
You whipped me with sin and shattered my life!
But my soul's sanity will find you here,
and my rusted cry will burn in your ears
a howling lullaby.

12/19/2005 - KING HERION

king herion is my shepard, i shall always want.

he maketh me lie down in the gutters.

he leadeth me beside the troubled waters.

he destroys my soul.

he leads me in the paths of wickedness.

yea, i shall walk in the valley of poverty.

and i will fear all evil; for thou herion art with me.

thy rod and thy spoon comfort me.

thou strips the table of groceries in the presence of my family.

thou robbeth my head of reason.

my cup of sorrow runneth over.

surely my addiction shall stalk me all the days of my life,

and i will dwell in the House Of The Damned ... Forever!!

12/19/2005 - I'M AFRAID

"come to the edge," they said.

"no. i'm afraid." i cried

"come to the edge."

"no . . . i'm afraid.  i'll fall."

"come to the edge," they said again.

and i came.

and they pushed me.

and i flew.

12/18/2005 - One Art by Bishop

the art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

lose something everyday. accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

the art of losing isn't hard to master.

then practice losing farther. losing faster.

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. none of these will bring disaster.

i lost my mother's watch. and look! my last,

or next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

the art of losing isn't hard to master.

i lost two cities, lovely ones. and, vaster,

some realms i owned, two rivers, and a continent.

i miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

even losing you - the joking voice,

a gesture i love - i shan't have lied,

it's evident the art of losing's not

too hard to master though it may

look like disaster.

12/17/2005 - ALCOHOL SPEAKING

so once again you want to come and dance with me?

well, let me remind you of how it will be,

for i will seduce you and make you my slave.

i've put people much stronger than you in early graves.

you'll promise yourself that you'll leave me alone,

but i'll make you ache, clear down to your bones.

that jangling nerves, the depression, unable to think,

your body screaming for just one more drink.

you'll desperately run to your source and then,

you'll welcome me back into your arms once again,

and when you're returned, just as i've foretold,

you will give me your mind, body and soul.

you'll give up your conscience, your morals, your heart,

and you will be mine ... until death do us part!!!

12/16/2005 - NOT EXACTLY BROTHERLY LOVE

Introduction:
Samael and Eleanzel, both sons of the Night Spirit, were loving brothers, fully comitted to each other as children. Samael had a lover, a wind goddess Echo, whom he had a son with. Led by envy and secret desire towards his brother's love, Eleanzel has led Samael's suspicions, as the child was not his. Samael full of faith, believing in his brother, filled with anger has killed his son and his beloved. Soon after has he discovered Eleanzel's lies. Again led by anger and bitterness he lost his sanity, and to kill his own pain, as a revenge to all the men kind, he is now killing all born children, letting everyone suffer as he once did.

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When the lifeless night forms a black winged wave
And scars my tainted heart with a bleeding mark,
Mountain's sharpened beaks dig my ethereal grave
And I'm spreading my arms, I become it's slave,
I welcome the dark

Frozen phantoms awake from the blazing skies
Piercing their claws through my moldered heart
I'm trying to see them with my riven eyes
But I creep into darkness, where your nations rise
Tearing me apart

Scream's howling neck blinds my vicious brain
I'm a trapped locust with a broken wing
I wield my sceptre of everlasting pain
I sit on a throne marked with lethal stain
As a crownless king

And when I finally spread my anger's disease
Frozen orbits' ashes will perish destroyed
I already feel the end's deadly breeze
And dreaming of the heavenly decease
I'll cry into the void

12/16/2005 - MY NAME IS COCAINE

my name is cocaine - call me "coke" for short.

i entered this country without a passport.

ever since then, i've made lots of scum rich,

some have been murdered and found in a ditch.

i'm more valued than diamonds, more treasured than gold.

use me just one time, and you too will be sold.

i'll make a schoolboy forget his books.

i'll make a beauty queen loose her looks.

i'll take a renowned speaker and make him a bore.

i'll take you mother and make her a whore.

i'll make a school teacher not want to teach.

i'll make a preacher not be able to preach.

i'll take all your rent money and you'll be evicted.

i'll murder your babies, or they'll be born addicted.

i'll make you rob, and steal, and kill.

when you're under my spell, you will have no will.

remember my friend, my name is "big c",

if you try me one time, you may never be free.

i've destroyed actors, politicians, and many a hero.

i've decreased bank accounts from millions to zero.

i make shooting and stabbing a common affair.

once i take charge, you won't have a prayer.

now that you know me, what will you do?

you'll have to choose, it's all up to you.

the day you decide to sit in my saddle,

the decision is one that no one can straddle.

listen to me, and please listen well,

when you ride with cocaine, you are heading for HELL.

12/15/2005 - PLAYA' - 3/93

i'm a player,

not able to love ...

or care for someone,

for i have no heart ...

i'm a player

not able to trust

but i do well in a relationship

that's just full of lust ...

i'm a player

so don't fuck with me ...

i'll tear up your emotions

worse than you can see  ...

i'm a player,

guys can't you see ...

i'll play you

just like you'll try to play me ...

for i was with a man

i loved him so much,

but he did me wrong

from the very first touch ...

i loved him so much,

he tore me apart,

he fucked up my world,

and then broke my heart ...

then he took the pieces

and threw them in my face.

i'm a player, for my feelings

were put in the wrong place ...

i'm a player,

can't you see?

i loved you,

but you didn't love me.

you won't tell me why or even say,

but i knew deep down

that you thought

you'd be played.

but when it came to you,

i was willing to care.

all you did was listen to your friends

that told you "beware"...

so for all you guys,

that think you can cope ...

just wake up and realize,

that there is no hope.

i'm a player,

with a sad story to end ...

but i'll find real love one day,

i promise, my friend.

12/10/2005 - IN MEMORY OF ROBO COP (DADDY)

IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY DADDY, LT. C.D.G. (AKA ROBO COP)  #209 I.P.D.

10-18-50 TO 12-10-92

WRITTEN ONE YEAR AFTER DAD'S DEATH - 12-10-93

IT'S BEEN A YEAR SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU MY FATHER.

YOU DEDICATED YOU LIFE TO HELPING OTHERS.

I SEE A PATROL CRUISER AND THINK OF YOU. 

YOU'RE STANDING TALL AND PROUD, ALL DRESSED IN BLUE.

WE KNEW EACH OTHER JUST 17 SHORT YEARS,

AND YOU SHARED WITH MOM YOUR THOUGHTS AND YOUR FEARS.

THE BARBEQUES, THE HOLIDAY'S, THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD,

ARE NOW MIXED MEMORIES, BOTH HAPPY AND SAD.

THEY SAY IT WAS STRESS, IN PART, THAT TOOK YOUR LIFE.

THAT TOOK YOU AWAY FROM YOUR DAUGHTERS AND YOUR WIFE.

IT WAS REALLY REVENGE AND POLITICS THAT GOT IN THE WAY.

THAT TOOK YOUR HAPPINESS, YOUR CAREER, YOUR LIFE AWAY.

IT'S BEEN A YEAR SINCE I SAW YOU MY DEAR FATHER,

YOU DEDICATED YOUR LIFE TO HELPING OTHERS.

INDEPENDENCE FELT SAFE, ESPECIALLY ME,

WHEN "209" WENT "10-8" AS "ONE PAUL THREE".