3/5/2006 - BLOG ON THE MOVE - CHECK ME OUT

SO I'VE MOVED MY BLOG.  I DECIDED THAT I LIKE THE OPTIONS AT THIS NEW PLACE BETTER.  SO IF ANYONE IS ACTUALLY READING THESE ENTRIES, THEN YOU'LL FIND THE NEW ONES (AND I'VE MOVED THE OLD ONES TOO) AT THE NEW ADDRESS LISTED BELOW.  I WON'T BE POSTING ANYMORE BLOGS HERE ON JOURNAL HOME.

HTTP://TOXICDREAMER.BLOGSPOT.COM

HUGS & KISSES
~*~MARIAH~*~

2/1/2006 - because you are a man ... thank god you are a man ... what would i do without a man ???

1/31/2006 - 2 sad 2 cry

i am so confused.  numb.  sore.  i have come to realization recently that i'm too old and too tired to keep living my life the way i have been ... in hiding and scared.  so once i made the decision to change things, i actually felt better - a little boosted.  and then i decided that i'd that i'd have a talk with my husband about my decision to move on - based mostly on his actions and decidions of the last year.  and then i waited until pooh was at school to talk to him, b/c i know him well enough to know that the talk will turn into a yelling, cussing, namecalling invitation for him.  so, i waited, for a moment alone with him, and for courage.  but he must know that i've ocme to this conclusion, b/c since friday - after he spent the night at a "friend's" house - a friend thqat he's never mentioned ever! - he hasn't been alone with me.  he has been on vacation and been out of the house as soon as pooh goes out to meet the bus, and comes home in time to take a nap - he just goes straight to sleep.  the thing is that i want to have a civilized conversation with him and let him know what i want ... what i need ... for my life.  and i want to talk stuff out while we can.  without pooh being home to witness it again.  she's seen enough.  but how am i supposed to talk to someone who litterally won't talk to me or be in the same room with me without our daughter there too.  he knows that i won't start anything with her home, so he's safe.  wish the same could be said for him.  i still love him, and always will - b/c of pooh and the fact that we've shared a lot over the last 12 years, and we were a family, but i love or not, i can't live like this anymore.  i ca't keep faking my life.  and even if i could, i don't want to anymore.  i don't like who i've become ... or who i am when i'm around him.  it's not entirely his fault.  i let him treat me this way for so long, how can he that i don't deserve this.  that i don't like this kind of treatment.  i've always forgiven the cheating - with the women and men - and the lying and the harrassment, and the putdowns, and the ignoring, and dismissals, and just the lack of love he shows toward me.  used to be the only time he ever considered my feelings and tried to be nice to me was when he wanted to get laid, but now that we don'e even do that, well, i never get any consideration from him.  you'd think that since i'm the one who cooks his meals that he'd be a little more sensitive to me.    i keep job hunting and am disheartened that there is nothing but "job opprotunities" out there that are shady to say the least.  and i know that i can't make a move yet without beind able to support pooh and me.  it's not fair to her if i can't.  my brother and his wife have offered to let us stay with them as long as we need, but that'd mean moving pooh away from her friends and 3 hrs away from her dad - and no matter how unloving, inattentive, and neglectful of a husband he's been - he's basically been a good dad to her moslty.  and i wouldn't keep her away from him (not for his benefit) but b/c i know what it's like to want to see your dad and not be able to, and i won't be responsible for making my child feel that way.  so i have to stay here in town.  and that means that i'm on my own ... which scares me.  not the alone part - anymore - but the no support.  which is crazy b/c i've been without any emotional, mental, and physical support from my significant other for years now.  i mean seriously - he left this marriage a long time agao when he stopped hugging me, loving me, touching me, talking to me, having sex with me, kissing me, cherishing me, respecting me, trusting in me, supporting me, standing up for me against his family and friends who put me down, and just plain believing in me.  he's been gone for a long time now but just doesn't have th eguts to actually leave!  well, i'm done pretending like that makes a marriage.  i'm done faking it to myself and the world.  hell, he "lost" his wedding band 2 years ago and hasn't had "enough money" to buy a new one.  ok!  but he's had money to go to the drag race weekends and to buy beer and to go out with his friends, and go to hockey games and to go to monster truck rallies, and stuff like that.  but oh no, don't have any money to go out and but even a crappy $50 band from wal-mart, just to show the world that you're married. oh no!!!!!  he didn't even have his band for 9 months in the first place!!!  i just don't have the energy to give a fuck anymore.  i'm tired.  i'm lonely.  and i'm done.  he won't be loving to me, but won't let me get loved by anyone else either.  well, he doesn't have a choice anymore.  it's my life that i'm missing out on.  i can't even have friends - in "real life" - b/c i can't go visit them, or go out with them, or talk to them - b/c he get's all jelous.  just like everytime i'm chatting with a friend on yahoo or here, he's all looking over my shoulder, and all of a sudden he wants to come over and give me a kiss in the head ... so he can see over my head to the montior.  i was talking with a guy friend of mine on yahoo last nite when he woke up and came out into the living room and noticed what i was doin adn all of a sudden he wasn't tired.  he set up the playstation right behind me and aimed his chair so he could see the montior of the computer.  i'm sure it was just a conincedence.  yeah, right.  and the fact is that the guy i was talking to ... i'd actually prefer to talk to him.  at least he makes me feel wanted - like he give a shit that i'm talking to him.  he actually seems to enjoy talking to me.  which is strange to me ... feeling appreciated for  ......... hell, anything about myself.  one of my girlfriends has inspired me though.  she and i seem to have several similar experiences and she has made it thru hers, and it now in the light at the other side of the tunnel.  she is newly inlove and happy and feeling positive about her life.  used to be i would have been jelous, b/c i never had the strength to do it too.  but now that i've made my decision, i fell motivated to action by her actions and their outcomes.  ok, so i may never love a man who loves me  in return or be "loved" again by a man that i love, but at least there' sthe possiblity again that i'll feel it again.  instead of just resigning myself to living a lie and having a life devoid of love.  that's something at least.  that's hope. and it's scary and exciting and liberating and did i mention scary.  but i'm hopeful that something changing will make things better in my life and more importantly in pooh's life and how she learns to serach for love and what kind of man she chooses to love and let love her.  and frankly, that's more improtant to me than any possible love life i'll have and damn sure more important than ANY MAN ON EARTH EVER!!!!!

1/30/2006 - masquerade day

so i've had some "days like that" these last few days.  actually the last month.  i keep thinking that things have gotten pretty bad and so they must get better soon, and then BANG - BOOM another bomb drops.  so i've posted a few more poems - my way of coping and trying not to give in.  sometimes when i'm feeling a certian way and i have a poem that expresses it better or if i just don't feel like writing about it and getting too in depth, then i just post a poem (one of mine or someone else's - poe, cummings, rilkee, etc.) or a song or a picture or something. 

so as with the picture above, i'm feeling the need to hide in a safe place today.  really feeling a little fragile - like if i think about things too hard today, i may just shatter.  it's one of those days that i just feel like i need to be held - how cliche` - i know, but precisely how i feel.  just need to have someone put their arms around me and rock me and tell me that everythings gonna be alright - even if they have no proof that it will.  just have someone to give me the beautiful lie - and hold me when i cry.  it just feels so much worse to cry alone.  not to have anyone to comfortme, someone to hold me and let me know that they actually care about me and care that i'm in their life and that they will be there for me like i am for them.  feel like i'm just spinning my wheels in the mud and can't gat any traction.  so when does the bogged down feeling pass?  guess i'll just have to sit and wait for it to pass ... and try not to do anything stupid and "cope".

have to go out in the world ... and put the mask on now ...

1/30/2006 - nobody knows

Weapon of choice eacH line a tear repeAted moTions revealing my fear a Heart of gold And shin of stone such perfect loVe i'm never alonE don't keep sIlent let it all go bleeD On the iNsidE ...and nobody knows....

1/29/2006 - CUTTER'S FORGIVNESS

Looking down at my arms and wrists
The scars so ugly and jagged
Wondering how it came to this
How my sanity became so ragged

I don't remember what exactly transpired
The night I so dearly regret
I know for sure I nearly expired
Though the details I try to forget

The last thing I remember before waking up
Is holding a blade in my hand
Shaking like a scolded pup
Ready to enter the Promised Land

Ever since, I've been burdened by shame
The darkness that surrounds me is what I've made
Can't take too much emotional strain 
Before I relieve it with my arm and a blade

One night in a dream my father came to me
And spoke in a voice so pure
"Come, my dear, and follow me,
I know how to find a cure."

But I was reluctant to follow him
I didn't want him to see my scars
I tried to cover them so they wouldn't show
But he smiled and pointed up at the stars

"How much more I love you than the stars in the sky,
And yet each one has a name.
You know you're forgiven in your father's eyes
Just because I died; you're not to blame."

"But Daddy," I cried, "I caused these wounds!
They are what I chose to do!"
Extending a comforting hand he whispered,
"I know my dear, but I caused them too."

1/28/2006 - THE CUTTER'S SALVATION

sick of living ...

1/27/2006 - UNCONTROLLABLY

On the outside,
She seems secure, satisfied, and lively.
Her eyes light up with every peal of laughter,
Her mind scabs over the cuts made the night before.
She does not dwell on the darkness...
She can focus,
And learn,
And love.

Behind the mask,
She cannot see past her own world,
A world shrouded in darkness,
Seething with pain.
She is alone, yet not alone enough
To disappear completely.
She wallows in her fear that someone will see her,
Therefore, not she isn't herself even here.

Within the body,
The walls of tissue and matter,
She is afraid, lost, angry.
Loathing everything about herself,
She cuts openings from the body to the mask,
So that her fear may bleed out onto her shirt.
She knows it will seep back,
The fear just won't melt with one try...
And her frustration makes the cut all the deeper.

Within the mind,
The parts you can never see,
She is hopeless, distorted, diseased.
Lost within the maze, she has given up on it all...
She just curls up, crying and scared;
She closes her eyes and dreams;
Tortured, twisted, haunted scenes;
But in the very back of her mind,
In the very depths of her psyche,
She hopes she will wake up and be
The fabulous woman they want her to be,
And what she fears most, above all else,
Is that she will be what they want.
Uncontrollably.

1/26/2006 - CUTTER'S WITHDRAWAL

The pain arrives once again
And this time I am ready
Blood in my veins yearns to flow
But now I hold steady

I lock up the knives
When the urge starts to come
Temptations are strong
But I refuse to succumb

The pain sharpens quickly
Thoughts of bloody blades in my mind
Heart screams for physical pain
To numb the emotional kind

I look around for a blade
But there are none in sight
I run quickly to my bedroom
On the bed I curl up tight

Quivering and shaking violently
Trying to forget about the pain
To escape, to go to sleep
To erase it from my brain

The next morning I wake up
Put on a happy mask
 And pretend I'm not haunted by
The pain of my troubled past

1/25/2006 - CUTTER'S TORMENT

1/24/2006 - CUTTER ... YOU'LL NEVER BE FREE

A scar
scar
a story to tell
outwarly healing
inwardly bleeding
seemingly stronger
actually weaker-

The pain
pain
takes so much out of me
I'll never be rid of it,
I will never be free.

A scar 
scar
always to see
everyday a  reminder
and a part of me

The people
people
they'll never know
I can hide it but
if they find out
they won't let me go.

These scars
scars
everyday speak to me
they boast and condem
...you'll never be free.

1/23/2006 - SCARRED

1/22/2006 - STAINS THAT WON'T FADE

Old pangs of guilt
Have got me feeling
These strange neuroses
That has left me reeling

The Circling Vultures
Surround my mind
And pick at its remains
That were left behind

The ground opens up
And swallows me whole
Engulfed by the darkness
I´m now black as coal

I scrub and scrub
But the stains won´t fade
And as long as I am alive
More marks will be made

1/21/2006 - SWEET AND TAINTED

Romance the blender
sweet deathless girl
Its blade is sweet
and tainted mild

With alluring sense
of weaves of charm
Chunks of flesh fall
from your arm

Remind me please
of your knowing source
As my last wish
before deaths course

Kiss the blender
sweet tasteless girl
Your blood is sweet
and tainted mild

Swoon for the razor
let lust come forth
With tricks to trick a
girl with no self worth

1/21/2006 - baptism by men

1/20/2006 - i wish i could gather all the tears you've made me cry, SO I CAN FUCKING DROWN YOU IN THEM

i can't even believe what a bad night i had last night.  one minute i was talking to my friend joy, and the next minute i'm getting a plate thrown at me.  apparently jethro had a bad day at work and when he came over to talk to me about it i said the wrong thing.  still not sure what it was, probley won't ever know.  but between him being drunk and the cops showing up and then him driving thru the gate, i'm just tired.  i cried so much last night that i actually don't have any tears left.  my eyes are so dry from so much crying.  i didn't know that was possible.  i look great.  eyes all puffy and red and swollen and they feel like they're gonna pop out of my head if i sneeze.  i am just so tired of playing this game.  acting like we are together when we so are not.  we don't talk, we don't touch, we don't even stay in the same room with each other.  so what am i waiting for?  last time i left him, my whole family cut me off and took his side.  and after a few months i just gave up ... gave in and let him back and began on the next "act" of the play that has become my life.  no, not play ... tragedy.  thru come miracle pooh slept thru all of this last nite.  thanks for small favors, huh. it's just that i'm at the point that i don't even care any more.  i truly just don't give a shit what anyone else thinks, cuz no one else has to live my life.  i do damn it.  and it pretty much sucks right now.  i know that i said i'd try to work on our relationship, but in the last 2 years, since we got back together, i have been spinning my tires in the mud and he's been doin nothing.  it's like he went, "ok, i'm back in so the hard part's over"  well, guess again jerk.  i'm tired of being treated like i don't matter. like i don't exist.  i am here.  i have  a right to be happy ... i must ... everyone else does.  he won't love me and treat me right, but he won't leave me alone and let me find anyone else who wants to love me either.  and being the loyal person that i am, i can't just start up with someone else without wrapping up loose ends here first.  so, i'm wrapping.  even if there is no one right now who wants to apply for the position, i know that there will be.  i want someone who's like the song say's  "aint' a pretty boy toy" and who'll  "rock me steady"   and until then, i think i'd like to be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong reasons.  and being with some one just so tha ti'm not alone, is the wrong reason.  i can do bad by  my damn self, i don't need to be dodging plates at 9 at night and pretend that he loves me.  so here i am ... the morning after.  where do i go from here?  i'll find my way.  and in the process, i'll show my daughter that she won't need some man to make her complete and hopefully she won't end up confusing attention for love.

1/20/2006 - fallen angel

You found hope, you found faith

Found how fast she could take it away

Found true love lost your heart

Now you dont know who you are

She made it easy made it free

Made you hurt till you couldn't see

Sometimes it stops some times it flows

Baby that is how love goes

You will fly and you will crawl

God knows even angels fall

No such thing as you lost it all

God knows even angels fall

And it's a secret that no one tells

One day it's heaven one day its hell

It's no fairy tale take it from me

That's the way it's supposed to be

You will fly and you will crawl

God knows even angels fall

No such thing as you lost it all

God knows even angels fall

You laugh you cry no one knows why

But ohh the thrill of it all

You're on the ride

You might as well open your eyes

You will fly and you will crawl

God knows even angels fall

No such thing as you lost it all

God knows even angels fall

Even angels fall

Even angels fall

1/19/2006 - Motley Crue gets Star on Walk of Fame

1/19/2006 - i want to suck your lips ... i want to melt in your arms

1/18/2006 - Am I Pretty Enough Now ? ? ? ? ?

got this from a friend.  it touched me and i thought i'd post it with this picture to remind those who read it - vanity kills - no matter if we are vain and it kills us, or if we impose our vain standards on others nad it kills them.  show some love to those in your life. 

~*~mariah~*~

Girl: Hi.

Boy: Umm... hi.

Girl: I have to tell you something...

Boy: What?

Girl: I really like you. And I... I think I'm falling in love with you.

Boy: Ok...

Girl: What do you mean "ok"?

Boy: I don't like you like that...

Girl: Why not?

Boy: I can't tell you... maybe another time...

From then on, the girl kept asking the boy "Why not?" whenever she saw him, and he kept answering the same answer of "I'll tell you later." Finally the girl got fed up.

Girl: I'm tired of this! Tell me why you don't like me!

Boy: Do you really wanna know why?

Girl: Yes!

Boy: It's because you're not pretty! What's the point of going out with someone when they're not pretty?!

Girl: But... I...

Boy: Just shut up and leave me alone!

The boy leaves and the girl is sitting there alone, crying her heart out. Then her cell phone rings.

Girl: Hello?

Mom: Sweetheart? I want you to go home, ok? I'll be home from work in a few hours.

Girl: Alright Mom.

Mom: I love you.

Girl: I love you too, Mom.

Mom: Bye Bye.

Girl: Bye

The girl heads home and once she got there, she went in the bathroom and looked at herself in the miror.

Girl: I'm not pretty enough...

She set to work, knwoing fully well what she was going to do. 2 hours later, her Mom came home and heard the bath water running. She went upstairs to find the hallway flooded so she knocked on the door.

Mom: Honey? Are you alright?

She opened the door and was shocked at the sight. The bath was overflowing onto the floor and the water was tinted red. She walked over to see what was inside and screamed. There, her little girl was lying with cuts all over her face and wrists. Her Mom backed away and was going to run to call the police when something caught her eye. On the miror, a piece of paper was taped up.

"Am I Pretty Enough Now?"....


No one deserves to be told off like that by someone they love, even if that person doesn't love them in return. 
A person's appearance shouldn't matter. What counts is their heart, their actions, their intentions, and their personality.
No one wants to be told they're not good enough...
Do you????

1/18/2006 - finding an old friend

so it seems that along with the rain falling in my life of late, there is also some sun.  in the last month i have gotten back in touch with a long lost friend from h.s. - hi joy!

 
and my best friend, bobby, who moved to florida - haven't talked to him in a month, which is strange for us.  we usually talk several times a week, and for a long time.  so we talked for 2 hours last night.  which is about the usual amount of time that we talk.  i've missed him, and even though we spent the whole time talking about his latest boyfriend and what a jerk he's been, it was still good to hear his voice and his comfort to me. 

and then later my big brother, traive, calls and tells me that his first baby is due 2 days after mom's birthday in may.  i am so excited for him.  and i haven't talked to him in over a year due to phone issues he has.  miss him so much too.

and then, another long lost friend of mine from college, chris, messengered me.  and we blabbed for hours until 4am.  it was especially nice to hear from chris b/c he made me laugh so hard last nite that i was in tears and actually talking back at the coumpter.  weird, i know.  you see, the thing is that in college i had kind of a crush on him.  he is just such a sweet guy, he's smart, he's cute in that "shy guy" kinda way, he's got a dry sense of humor that just gets to me, and he is so shy and blushes all the time.  or maybe i am just so loud and abrasive that i just embarrass him so much.  which is totally not what i intend to do, but it's kinda who i am.  some people just have a "low mariah tollerance level", and i'm well aware of that since my dad was one of those people. i'm the comic relief, b/c god forbid that i let anyone see that i have any weaknesses.  as open as i am here i am just as closed in real life.  i can feel free here b/c i just believe that no one reads my stuff, so it free's me to be honest with no fear that anyone will hurt me, or use my fears against me. but in the "real world" i use my humor to defend myself.  ya know, make fun of myself before anyone else can do it.  but anyway, i had such fun with chris last nite talking about nothing ... everything.  music, movies, the cops.  it was always easy for me to talk to him.  which doesn't happen very often with me.  usually i keep things pretty superficial b/c i have trust issues.  i know ... you're shocked.  and the weird thing is that he had some nice things to say about me and he also said i was too self depricating - well, yeah, but that's also actually how i see myself - and pretty much how others in my life seem me - or at least that's what i hear them say - but it's truly how i feel, i just disguise it as self depricating humor - i must be doing a good job at it.  jeez, talk about self pity and no confidence.  ok, so i'm still working on that.  but it was nice to hear that i have something positive to offer others.  even if it is only once in a while and even if it is hard for me to believe it's still nice to hear it.  you'd think that the people in my life who "love" me would tell me things like that more often ... well, i'll let ya know when it actually happens.  but don't hold your breath.  i don't .  i live so much of my life behind a mask, that it was nice to be able to take it off for a while.  it's confusing to me that i can be so much more myself with these friends of mine, but not have the courage to be this way all the time.  guess i just trust them not to use any of that agaist me to hurt me.  oh wow!  i trust them!  cool.  see what happens when i stop thinking and just express how i'm feeling ... i actually make revelations about myself.  screw thereapy.  who needs it!?!  i can just blog !  ;-)) 

anyway i'm gald to have joy, bobby, travie, and chris back in my life.  it's brought some much needed sunshine into my rainy days.  they have bouyed me above the flood line that is my life these last few days, and i am more grateful than they surely will ever know. 

 hugs & kisses
 ~m~

1/17/2006 - THERE'S NOT MUCH A NEW PUPPY CAN'T FIX

SO 2 DAYS AGO I BOUGHT POOH A NEW PUPPY - THE ONE WITH THE HEART AROUND HIM - HE'S A RAT TERRIER AND OMG HE IS A HYPER PUPPY!!!  HE IS SO NAUGHTY !  :-)  SHE STILL HASN'T DECIDED ON A NAME.  SHE IS MULLING OVER A FEW - PEANUT, TATER, B.B. (BABY BOY), D.D.(DAMN DOG - THAT'S MINE ;-] ) SKIPPY, OR WIDGET (MINE TOO).  SHE KEEPS NAMING THE ANIMALS AFTER FOOD.  MY 2 BASSET HOUNDS  - BISCUIT (BOY) AND JELLY (GIRL), AND A FORMER DOG OF OURS - JAVA, AND A CAT - BUTTERSCOTCH AND ANOTHER FORMER DOG - CRACKER ... GUESS KIDS REALLY DO COME UP WITH THE BEST ANIMAL NAMES. 

IT'S BEEN SUCH A BAD LAST FEW WEEKS - BOTH FOR SHE AND I - AND THIS LITTLE GUY IS JUST MAKING US BOTH HAPPY. I ACTUALLY WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND WAS LAUGHING.  HIS TINY LITTLE KISSES ON MY NECK - ALL WET AND TICKLY - I COULDN'T HELP BUT GIGGLE.  I AM HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME WITH HIM AND HE'S DRIVING ME A LITTLE LOCO, BUT IN A GOOD WAY.  IT'S NICE.  I LIKE SMILING AGAIN.   I DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN FOR A LONG TIME.  MAYBE WE SHOULD NAME HIM MIRACLE.

1/16/2006 - THE SIN WAS ALL MINE

The doves should not be white, my love,
No more than your lonely tears.

And yet, white they remain,
Pure like your innocence,
Even in the face of sin.

The doves should not be white, my love,
Forgive me for tainting them black.

Forgive me, my love, the sin was all mine."

1/15/2006 - the road to the throne

I give you Hehsebamon.
He began his life as a slave... a tormented, mistreated slave... with a kind, loving heart in spite of his poor situation. As the years went by, however, he found a way to work himself upwards in society.
But every step he took, meant actions that he would once never have considered, and as he progressed his way upwards in society, his heart grow darker, more vicious, by the day... 'til the day he faced the royal family in their throne room, and slaughtered them. All of them. Children, parents, all of them.
He is king, now, and a vicious one. His heart is black with the blood of others, and he has little mercy left in his bones. He treats the slaves as he was treated. If not crueller.

~
The road to the throne, is littered with corpses.
With each step,
Their blood stains your heels.

Closer to salvation, and yet,
Deeper in sin -
The road to freedom comes at
A cost of the same.

The road to the throne, is littered with corpses,
And one of these corpses,
Is of your heart.

Old, black, rotten -
Festering.

Closer to salvation, and yet,
Never have you been
So far

Away.
~

1/15/2006 - WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND

1/14/2006 - LOSING YOUR INNOCENCE . . .

1/14/2006 - A CURSED FORREST

1/13/2006 - bride of the damned

1/12/2006 - she's grown accustomed to darkness

1/11/2006 - ONE EYED CAT - POOR BABY

By TERRENCE PETTY, Associated Press Writer Tue Jan 10, 11:58 PM ET

PORTLAND, Ore. - A photo of a one-eyed kitten named Cy drew more

 than a little skepticism when it turned up on various Web sites, but

 medical authorities have a name for the bizarre condition.

"Holoprosencephaly" causes facial deformities, according to the National

 Institute for Neurological Disorders and Stroke, part of the

National Institutes of Health. In the worst cases, a single eye is located

 where the nose should be, according to the institute's Web site.

Traci Allen says the kitten she named Cy, short for Cyclops, was born the

 night of Dec. 28 with the single eye and no nose.

"You don't expect to see something like that," the 35-year-old Allen said

 by telephone from her home in Redmond in central Oregon.

Allen said she stayed up all night with the deformed kitten on her recliner,

 feeding Cy a liquid formula through a syringe. She says she cared for the

 kitten the next day as well, until it died that evening.

Allen had taken digital pictures that she provided to The Associated

 Press. Some bloggers have questioned the authenticity of the photo

 distributed on Jan. 6.

AP regional photo editor Tom Stathis said he took extensive steps to

 confirm the one-eyed cat was not a hoax. Stathis had Allen ship him the

 memory card that was in her camera. On the card were a number of

 pictures - including holiday snapshots, and four pictures of a one-eyed

 kitten. The kitten pictures showed the animal from different perspectives.

Fabricating those images in sequence and in the camera's original picture

 format, from the varying perspectives, would have been virtually

 impossible, Stathis said.

Meanwhile, Cy the one-eyed cat may be dead, but it has not left the

 building.

Allen said she's keeping the cat's corpse in her freezer for now, in case

 scientists would like it for research.

She said one thing's for certain: "I'm not going to put it on eBay."

1/10/2006 - where the fuck was this god then?

last week was such a bad week, that it seems that i'm hung over this week just from the extreme emotional effort that i used up just trying to keep sane.  how stupid is that?? i know.  actually something good did happen last week, i found and old (ok not old like old but old like from long ago) friend of mine from hs.  actually i re-found her.  we lost touch for like a year and then low and behold, i found her - and after such a bad week, it gave me such a smile to hear from her.  gave me somewhere else to put my mind for a few minutes.

ya see, last week i found out that my 9 yo daughter, pooh, had been being sexually abused and molested.  it was by another boy, and she was so afraid that she was wrong that she just didn't tell anyone.  it goes beyond "playing house" or "playing doctor" - this boy had her acting out scenes from his "daddy's movie" and he persued her relentlessly until she gave in and (in her words) "just got it over with".  the way she describes feeling and the words that she uses, are the same exact phrases and words that i used.  and this has been going on for 1 1/2 to 2 years.    it breaks my heart that she had to go thru that.  i promised that i was going to break the cycle of molestation in my family.  i was molested from 7-10 yo and my mom was molseted as a girl too.  and it probley went back farther than that.  it just pisses me off that men, and now boys just see girls as targets.  pieces of flesh for them to satisfy them selves with, and screw what the girl is feeling and screw the fact that it changes her forever.  it changes the very core of who she is and who she will become.  this little boy just cared about his dick.  and it infuriates me tha the even said - when we confronted him - that he didn't care if she wanted to be made to do these things, but he wanted it.  they both agree that he'd bring it up and keep "bugging" her until she gave in and just submitted.  and she thinks that just b/c she wasn't "hurt" - like hit or slapped - that that means that she agreed.  it's aamazing how at the age of 8 this boy has already learned how to make her feel like it was not only her idea too, but also her fault.  just by the fact that she has a female body and he gained access to her.  i hate myself that i allowed this boy to get to her and frankly i want to hurt him.  i want to pound him and make him bleed.  i have never felt this way about a child.  i spent my 20's as a preschool teacher and believed that there were no bad kids, just bad situations.  but now i thin ki have to alter that to there my not be bad kids, but there are definately broken kids and my child needs protection from those kind.  my brain keep telling me that this child is broken and out of control of his urges - having been molested himself by his cousin's (on his dad's side) since he was a baby until he was 6 - so i know that his thought process and his reasoning is flawed.  but in my heart, that doesn't change the fact that i want to break him.  i am afraid that when i see him again, that i will loose all control and haul off and just begin beating him.  it was all i could do not to throttle him last week.  i actually came across the room at him and had fists clinched, and raised.  then i remembered that he was 8 - and my sister's youngest son - and that at one point i loved him.

my entire family is broken.  things like this make me question that whole god issue again. where the fuck was god when my baby's innocence and trust and vitality were being murdered?  where the fuck was god when an old man started finding me at 7 yo "sexy"?  where the fuck was god when my mom was biineg tortured too?  i guess he had better things to do.  something was more improtant that a childs innocence.  or wait, maybe we were supposed to "learn" something.  i am so sick and tired of when bad shit happend, bible thumpers are always there telling everyone that "god has his reasons" and "it's all a part of god's plan".  what about my mom's plan.  what about my plan.  what aobut my daughter's plan.  were thay not good anough for this precious god??   if there is s god, and people say that things happen for a reason, i'd like to ask - what fucked up reasoning is there for damaging innocent children like this?  huh?  what possible fucking end could this be serving?  not a fucking thing, that's what. 

to say the least i am enraged ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

1/9/2006 - Personality Tests & Nurse Ratchett

ok, so i posted a bunch of "test" and "quiz" results here on my blog and 4 or 5 on my profile page.  i was bored and decided to paly around with some of these and the results were so accurate in most cases, that i thought it'd be fun to put them up for others to see, so anyone can follow the links and take the tests for themselves.  i was suprised with some of the results, but when i read the explinations for the results, then i realized that "OH YEAH ... THAT'S TOTALLY ME."  felt a little like winona ryder in girl, interrupted when she read her file and was like, yep, can't deny it, that's me in all my psycho glory!!  ;-)  hell most of that book was my life from age 17 to 19 anyway, what with all of the hospital commitments and substance abuse treatment centers that i was in and out of those years, and i'm telling ya that those places exist and they vary from being like that book, to being the "cuckoo's nest" and the staff vary from whoppi to "nurse ratchet" - who i think is the most sinister & underrated villian in cinima history.  of course you'd have to have been locked up in a nuthouse to truly appreciate her kind of sadism.  so anyway, have fun reading these and go try them out for yourself.  there are over 100 different tests (scientific and playful) on this site.  it was fun.

XOXOXOXO
~*~mariah~*~

1/8/2006 - Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	||||||||||||||||||||	86%	49%
Schizoid	||||||||||	38%	53%
Schizotypal	||||||||||||||||	62%	53%
Antisocial	||||||||||||||||||	74%	47%
Borderline	||||||||||||||||||||	82%	47%
Histrionic	||||||||||||||	58%	43%
Narcissistic	||||||||||||	42%	41%
Avoidant	||||||||||||||||	66%	39%
Dependent	||||||||||||||||	66%	37%
Obsessive-Compulsive	||||||||||||||	54%	40%
*scores in gray are the average web score
Test Note: Read the descriptions below to avoid misinterpreting test results (for example, the Antisocial classification does not mean you are a loner, it means you tend to be insensitive towards others). General Note: the validity and reliability of DSM personality disorders are still lacking in strong statistical evidence and clear agreement in the scientific and medical community. They are determined by the American Psychiatric Association and will likely be revised in the future. Author Note:I don't think Schizoid personality is a valid disorder (read), some of the smartest people in history were schizoid because they occupied a remote end of the intelligence bell curve. Schizotypal personality can encompass highly original thinkers as well as totally insane people so I think it's a flawed type. I think the remaining eight disorders are generally valid. Disorder Info
Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal
Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar. Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.
Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic
Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness. Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others. Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness. Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered. Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.
Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive
Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful. Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior. Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

 OH YEAH ... THAT'S TOTALLY ME

1/7/2006 - Brain Lateralization Test Results

1/7/2006 - Visual Pattern Fluid Intelligence Test Results

Sir Francis Galton, the cousin of Charles Darwin, first popularized the notion of measurable intelligence in the late 1800s. Charles Spearman later discovered that all mental abilities tend to correlate together when statistically analyzed. He called this G. Modern researchers tend to agree that there are two kinds of intelligence, crystallized intelligence (learned knowledge) and fluid intelligence (abstract processing ability). Most non-verbal intelligence tests measure the latter. Some research suggests that fluid intelligence may correlate best to G. Your overall percentile is 87% which means you scored higher than 87% of the people who have taken this test. The internet population tends to be more intelligent so your percentile might be higher if the test taking sample was perfectly random. Keep in mind, taking this test more than once will render your percentile score inaccurate because the percentile score assumes these questions were fresh to the test taker. The point of this test is to challenge you and show you how you compare to other test takers on a set of novel questions. Consequently, I need to keep the answers secret to protect the integrity of the test.

1/6/2006 - ADVANCED ENNEAGRAM TEST

1/6/2006 - JUNG WORD TEST

1/6/2006 - JUNG + ENNEAGRAM TEST

Main type	Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

1/5/2006 - GLOBAL PERSONALITY TEST

1/4/2006 - hermitage

So you caught me in this reverie,
There at home where I could stay for hours.
You thought I was trapped from within.

I won't blame you, if you couldn't notice
That my aloneness was filled
Richer than all the madnesses and frenzies
You all live in.

The austere discomfort I am coiled in
Beneath that hole on the ceiling
Is a whole universe of fancies
And the sweetest haven for heart and soul.

1/3/2006 - HE SAID TOYS DON'T FIGHT BACK

She inquired of him - Why do you play such
Cruel games with dolls that have lost their stuffing
Dolls with their button eyes plucked out and
Their stitching slowly writhed away across the floor
Dolls that are small, broken, hopeless and lifeless
Dolls that no longer matter. No longer move and sing;
No longer play games or laugh joyously as they run through the woods
His repled flatly; simply - Toys are quiet. Toys don't fight back; talk back.

1/2/2006 - eap poem

1/1/2006 - my knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

i am sooooo irritated. i really just want to kick my husbands ass.  i don't know what his malfunction is, but if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass soon, i'm just going to give up.  i am tired of having to beg my own husband for sex, and still not get any.  i've only had sex twice since i turned 30 july 4th, and both of those were in the same week, and frankly didn't do much for me.  it takes longer than 5 minutes.  hell i got more sex than this when i was single!!!  i don't know if he's just decided that i'm too fat for him or that it's just too much energy to put in to actually have sex with a person, or if he is having sex, just not with me.  and when i ask about it, he thinks i'm just being sarcastic!!  i mean, i'm looking at him, telling him that he can skip forplay and just get to it, and he still doesn't move.  what man gives up sex with a woman, even if it is his wife?  ya know, if he's just not interested anymore, he needs to just tell me and get it over with, cuz this is getting really fucking frustrating.  i know me - and if i don't get sex from my man for 6 months then i'll go get it some where else - hell i've never gone 6 months without since i lost my virginity!!!!!!!!!!!!  i keep asking him what's up and he just insists that he's "tired"  - ok he was tired for 6 months !!!!  whatever!!  this is bullshit.  ya know how they say "women know when their men are cheating" - well hell yeah we know, b/c the dumb asses quit having sex altogether with their wives.  i'm just not sure who it is yet - yet.  cuz i know him and if he's not fucking me, he's fucking someone else, bu ti know he's not going without, that's for damn sure.  i can't even stand to look at him most days.  i've got enough drama going on, i don't need this too.  and he has the nerve to kiss me on the cheek and tell me he loves me.  seriously!!!  i can't even remember when the last time was that i had a deep long kiss.  yes, actually i can.  it was when we split up 2 years ago and the guys that i dated then kissed me.  they at least put in the time and energy to make out with me.  how stupid is that.  i am so fed up with having to put on a mask and live everyday of my life as a lie, with everyone in my life.  this is just one aspect of the lie, but all of the masks that i wear everyday with everyone are getting pretty fucking tight and recent events in my life have made me even less tollerant of the bullshit things in my life.  damn i need to get laid!!  :-s

12/29/2005 - i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,

my dear; and whatever is done by

only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you, whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing, is you.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher and higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

12/29/2005 - BLOODY TEARS

12/28/2005 - A GOOD NIGHT POEM BY RILKEE

i'd like to sing someone to sleep,

by someone sit, and be still.

i'd like to rock you and murmur a song,

be with you on the fringes of sleep.

be the one and only awake in  the house,

who would know that the night is cold.

i'd like to listen both inside and out,

into you, and the world, and the woods.

the clocks call out with their toiling bells,

and you can see to the bottom of time.

down in the street a stranger goes by,

and bothers a passing dog.

behind come silence, i've laid my eyes

on you like an open hand.

and they hold you lightly and let you go,

when something moves in the dark.

12/27/2005 - NO ONE SEES ME

Sometimes when I cry ...
No one sees my tears.

Sometimes when I'm in pain ...
No one sees I'm hurt.

Sometimes when I'm worried ...
No one sees my stress.

Sometimes when I'm happy ...
No one sees my smile.

But Always, when I screw up ...
Everyone sees a Loser,
Instead of ME.

12/27/2005 - SEEKING

night after night on my bed,

i have sought my true love.

i have sought him,

but not found him.

i have called him,

but he has not answered.

12/26/2005 - i could be my own worst enemy

="swapImg('image10','image102');window.status='Pixie Tricks Home Page';return true;" ="swapImg('image10','image101');window.status='';return true;" href="http://www.pixietricks.com/">it's funny, but i just looked in the mirror and saw the same person i was yesterday.  i often wonder what kind of woman i will become or i guess i have already become.  people have told me that i shine in their eyes.  they see me and they see someone who has accomplished many things despite severe obsitcales.  i tell them thank you and offer a little smile.  but i have a confession: mostly the smiles are forced and fake.  how could they all be genuine when there has always been someone telling me that i just wasn't good enough?  that "someone" was a beast that has existed inside of me for so long, feeding on my doubts and fears.  i guess it's true that we are at times our own worst enemy.  everyday i struggle to love myself, to smile at the imperfect image i see in the mirror and even to laugh at the ditsyness that is second nature to me by now.  i try to remember that i am intelligent, and that people say i am kind and loyal, and funny.  i strive to accept me ... a woman who has her full share of flaws.  but at times i want to curse that mirror for sending back the reflection of someone i thought would never mesmerize anyone again with her beauty or have admiring eyes cast upon her anymore when she walked into a room.  now here i am, longing to blossom into a "phenomenal woman".  deep inside i know that i will never truly be phenominal if this beast continues to live within me.  that's why today i will murder that monster inside with the only weapon that could ever do the job - self love.  there is nothing more powerful.  it can not fail me.  so on this morning, i want to declare that i am beautiful, i am charming, i am intelligent, i am talented, i am hilarious, and as long as i believe it, then i will go places.  it's in the glimmer in my mind's eye, the smoothness of my voice, the shine of my hair, the depth of my thinking.  

now if only i can keep this up after i leave my room!!

12/26/2005 - to those in hell

the people on the edge of Hell are most afraid of the Devil ...

for those of us  already in Hell,
the Devil is only another resident and therefore no one in particular.

12/26/2005 - JUDGE ME

why can't you judge me for my love,

and not the mistakes i've made?

i swear by who i am,

and not by yesterday.

in between the black and white,

i disappear.

i'm done dying for my past

. . . for the last time.

12/26/2005 - I WISH

AS I WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS

I SAW A MAN WHO WASN'T THERE

HE WASN'T THERE AGAIN TODAY

I WISH, I WISH, HE'D GO AWAY

12/25/2005 - much love

 888888                         8888888    
8888888                    88888888  
888888888               888888888  
8888    8888          8888   8888  
8888       8888    8888       8888  
8888         88888888        8888  
8888          888888            8888  
8888             8888              8888  
8888               88                8888  
8888                                   8888  
8888                                   8888  

                 8888888888                                                    
           888888888888888                                           
        888888822222228888                                         
   88888822222222288888                                     
888888222222222228888822228888               
888882222222222222288222222222888       
8888822222222222222222222222222288     
   8888822222222222222222222222222   88   
     88888222222222222222222222222    888
       888822222222222222222222222      888
          8888222222222222222222222        888
            8888222222222222222222             888  
               8882222222222222222              8888     
                 888822222222222            888888       
                     8888882222            88888888              
                     888888         888888888                 
                        88888888888888                            
                            888888888                                        

 

12/24/2005 - LABELED

LABELED

     ~     MARIAH     ~     
     ~     MOTHER     ~     
     ~     DAUGHTER     ~     
     ~     WIFE     ~     
     ~     SISTER     ~     
     ~     FRIEND     ~     
     ~     IRISH     ~     
     ~     CHEROKEE     ~     
     ~     CREATIVE     ~     
     ~     COLORFUL     ~     
     ~     UNEPMPLOYED     ~     
     ~     ROOM MOTHER     ~     
     ~     TEACHER     ~     
     ~     GENIUS     ~     
     ~     RED HEAD     ~    

     ~     PET OWNER     ~     
     ~     GENIUS     ~     
     ~     DITSY     ~     
     ~     GOOFY     ~     
     ~     HILARIOUS     ~     
     ~     COMIC     ~     
     ~     GODDESS     ~     
     ~     DREAMER     ~     
     ~     BI-POLAR     ~     
     ~     BORDERLINE     ~     
     ~     POST-TRAUMATIC     ~     
     ~     NUTS     ~     
     ~     CRAZY     ~     

     ~     PSYCHO BABY     ~     
     ~     LOCA WEDA     ~     
     ~     LOONEY     ~     
     ~     MAD     ~     
     ~     OFF     ~     
     ~     CHECKED OUT     ~     
     ~     MENTALLY ILL     ~     
     ~     INSANE     ~     
     ~     CRACKERS     ~     
     ~     BANANAS     ~     
     ~     SHELL SHOCKED     ~     
     ~     AROUND THE BEND     ~     
     ~     UNLOVED     ~    

     ~     ADDICT     ~    

     ~     MANIAC     ~    

     ~     PSYCHOTIC     ~    

     ~     NEUROTIC     ~    

     ~     LIFER     ~    

     ~     INSTITUTIONALIZED     ~    

     ~     DRUNK     ~    

     ~     JUNKIE     ~    

     ~     SCARY     ~    

     ~     MISUNDERSTOOD     ~    

     ~     LONELY     ~    

     ~     ENRAGED     ~    

     ~     MEAN     ~    

     ~     BITCH     ~     
     ~     SHREW     ~    

     ~     LAZY     ~    

     ~     SHAMEFUL     ~    

     ~     ANGRY     ~    

     ~     IMMATURE     ~    

     ~     FAT     ~    

     ~     UGLY     ~    

     ~     SHORT     ~    

     ~     UNDESIRABLE     ~    

     ~     ABUSED     ~    

     ~     MOLESTED     ~    

     ~     WARPED     ~    

     ~     BEATEN DOWN     ~    

     ~     CUTTER     ~    

     ~     POWERLESS     ~    

     ~     LOST     ~    

     ~     HEART BROKEN     ~    

     ~     WOUNDED     ~    

     ~     FALLEN     ~    

     ~     VICTIM     ~    

       ~      ...   ...      ~      

     ~     SURVIVOR     ~    

     ~     ...   ...     ~      

12/24/2005 - the lost dream

In Secret,

In Silence,

In Sleep,

The damned cry for their lost dream . . .

Sanity

12/24/2005 - GONE 4EVER

closing the door, he paused to stand, taking the ring from her hand.  although watching, he could not speak, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

memories of their fun life, young beneath the summer sun.  all he knew was that she was free, he was hurt - she could not see.  her deep blue eyes had grown so cold, and he no longer had her hand to hold.

he was so close. she was so dear.  he whispers "i love you" in her ear.  he said his good-byes, then left a kiss to the girl whom he would always miss.  the door was closed.  his head hung low.  as they carried her casket through the snow.

12/23/2005 - FIGHTER

She's a fighter.

Too scared to let anyone in.

Too afraid of what they'll find.

She keeps fighting.

But she's reached That Point.

The Point where

Pain of the Past meets

Fear of the Future.

That's where most Fighters

Give Up   ...  

Too tired to fight anymore.

12/23/2005 - just this hour

i got up this morning and got down on my knees,

and asked my higher power, "would you help me please?"

you see, i have this addiction ,and it won't go away.

will you help me higher power, not to use just for today?

yes, i know to stay clean and sober i must go to any length,

but when i start to think, it seems i loose my strength.

so i'm calling on you now higher power, please help me, if you can hear.

please take away this urge i have to drink more everclear.

i did all 12 steps, in just one day, so with them i would be done.

but still each day with my obsession, also comes the sun.

"keep coming back", and "easy does it", i hear at meetings,

but my guilt and my resentments keep giving me these beatings.

lately my life is especially unmanageable, and i'm not sure how to cope.

one thing i know is that i can't fix anything by smoking up more dope.

now i've saved up all of my problems, and i've piled them into a mass.

then i call my smart ass sponser and she said, "this too shall pass."

so here i am, on my knees again, begging "please help me higher power,"

and if i find TODAY too long, please help me just this HOUR!!

12/23/2005 - reality check out

your Soul is going through the

Darkness and Pains and Hard Fear and Mindlessness,

and yet because your keepers are Sadists;

your Pulse still makes you a part of the census.

12/22/2005 - IT'S A KILT THING !!!!!! CRY FREEDOM !!!!!!

WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IS WHEN I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL (86-93) EVERY YEAR THERE WAS A HUGE GROUP OF JOCKS WHO DRESSED UP AS GIRLS FOR HALLOWEEN.  THEY WORE THEIR MOTHERS, AND SISTERS DRESSES TO SCHOOL AND SOME DRESSED UP AS DOLLY PARTON AND OTHER FAMOUS WOMEN.  NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.  EVEN WHEN THESE GUYS WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO WERE DRESSED UP.  AND THEY ALSO DID IT ON DARES AND AFTER A LOST BET ON GAMES.  NOW THESE IDIOTS GOT AWAY WITH THIS AND THIS SENIOR IN MO. CAN'T WEAR A KILT TO A DANCE!!! WHAT THE HELL????  I'D UNDERSTAND IF HE WAS MAKING FUN OR BEING RACIALLY INSENSITIVE, BUT IT WAS IN FACT THE EXACT OPPOSITE.  I MEAN JEEZ, HE IS JUST WANTING TO SHOW HIS PRIDE IN HIS HERITAGE.  THIS IS JUST ONE MORE WAY THAT SO MANY IN THIS COUNTRY - ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDWEST WHERE I LIVE AND THIS INCIDENT TOOK PLACE - ARE FEELING FREE TO BE ACTIVILY AND PROUDLY BIGGOTED AND OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE WHO THEY SEE AS A MINORITY OR AS BEING - IN THEIR MINDS - "DIFFERENT".  IT SEEMS LIKE THE WHOLE DAMN COUNTRY IS TAKING THEIR LEAD FROM THE HEAD BIGGOT IN WASHINGTON D.C. WHO OPENLY FLAUNTS HIS DISCRIMINITORY ATTITUDE TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN AND ENCOURAGES THEM TO DO THE SAME.  AND THE SCHOOL SITES THEIR DRESS CODE!!  HA!!!  THAT'S BULLSHIT, B/C I CAN GURANTEE THAT THEY ARE LIKE THE REST OF THE COUNTRY AND THEY HAVE GIRLS WALKING THE HALLS RIGHT NOW WITH THEIR LOW RIDER JEANS SHOWING THEIR ASSES, BELLY, AND G-STRINGS HANGING OUT WHEN THEY'RE WALKING AND HAVE THE CRACKS OF THEIR ASSES SHOWING WORSE THAN ANY PLUMBER WHEN THEY SIT AND BEND OVER. THEN THEY WEAR THEIR LOW-CUT-CROP-TOP-BABY-DOLL SHIRTS WHERE THEY HAVE THEIR BOOBS FALLING OUT OF THE BOTTOM OR POPPING OUT OF THE TOP, IF NOT BOTH.  THESE HOOTCHIE GIRLS ARE WALKING AROUND THE SCHOOL AND SCHOOL FUNCTIONS LOOKING LIKE HOOKERS AND THERE IS NO WAY THE SCHOOL CAN SEND THEM ALL HOME, CUZ THEN 3/4 OF THE GIRLS WOULD BE ABSENT.  I MEAN LET'S GET REAL FOLKS.  IF PRINCE CHARLES CAN WEAR A KILT WITH THE WAY HE LOOKS, THEN WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS KID SHOWING PRIDE IN HIS HERITAGE?  GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!  JUST IN CASE YOU ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH THE STORY, JUST FOLLOW THE LINKS TO THE ONLINE PETITION FOR THE PRINCIPAL TO APPOLOGIZE AND A LINK TO THE SCHOOL DISTRICT.

On the Net:

12/21/2005 - BEAUTIFUL INSIDE

she's got a loving heart,
she's also very kind,
she's got a great personality,
she shouldn't have to hide.

she likes to sing with the radio,
and make people laugh.
she has many hopes and dreams,
trying to choose the right path.

she wants to be happy,
but wishes she could fly,
away from all her problems,
high up in the sky.

what's outside shouldn't matter,
it should be known the world wide.
that no matter what she looks like,
she's beautiful inside.

12/21/2005 - Just for today

just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery,
living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

just for today i will have faith in someone in recovery
who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

just for today i wil have a program. 
i will try to follow it to the best of my ability.

just for today, through my program,
i will try to get a better perspective on my life.

just for today i will be unafraid ...
my thoughts will be on my new associations,
people who are not using and who have found a new way of life.

so long as i follow that way, i have nothing to fear.

and if i find today too long, please help me just this hour.

12/20/2005 - 2 lovers

Two lovers were set apart by the Gods envy. They trapped the boy for eternity in the misty forest. Lead by delusional hope, the girl begged the Gods to let her into the forest to find her beloved. For the girl's sadness and desperair were so overwhelming, the Royal Spirits agreed.
Without sleep or rest she searched for him throughout day and night. As the months passed by, out of loneliness and obsession, the girl began to lose her mind. She began speaking with trees and flowers, hearing her lover's voice in the nightingale's song, and seeing his shape in blades of grass. Her once great love turned into hatred, as in her madness, she blamed her love for the misery she was going through. She therefore began hunting him, seeking revenge for her disastrous fate.

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I'm searching for you - where are you my dear?
Is it your warmth I felt in the wind's morning breath?
And if this torchered thunder was your cry of fear,
Was it me you were calling, in the face of death?

I'm waiting for you - where are you my dear?
I loved you so badly, and  you tore me apart!
But did you see my bitter tears,
when with starlit madness you shattered my heart?

I cannot find you - where are you my dear?
You whipped me with sin and shattered my life!
But my soul's sanity will find you here,
and my rusted cry will burn in your ears
a howling lullaby.

12/20/2005 - you are within me

Within my dreams

I see your face.

Within my soul

I feel your love.

Within my heart

You will forever stay.