I guess I pissed off my friends once again with my mood swings. Can't fucken help it people! Try living in this body. I'm emotionally drained, physically ill, and contant torture. Everybody is different yet I have to remind them of this everytime we talk.  I think this will be a good thing to not talk or chat for awhile. I have to deal with somethings and well I can't be dealing with this right now. I'm gonna continue to write here so if these to friends want know how things are fine but don't leave crap ass comments.

  I have been dreaming of my mother lately but it all seems so real. When I'm awake I can't remember a damn thing about her. Its like I never had a mother to being with and this all one big joke. Yet in my dreams I seem to connect with her. I don't know maybe I'm just disassociating when this occurs. I don't know anymore!

        Anyways on to other shit. My grandfather might have an infection in his right leg but not sure until doc visit this week. Now my grandparents are also going for that aw poor me shit by now blaming thierselves for my mother's death. Its not their fault! 

       I'm thinking about going back to school once I can afford it. I'll probably just do online classes. That and I want to get back into starting that rescue center that I always dreamed about. I just have to take it one day at a time! 

My pdoc is an ass! I can't stand him. I went today and he spent a whole ten minutes with me. Didn't hardly listen but hey what do you expect from a free psych center. Fuck it! I have to go to this other place and sign up once again for a therapist but there is a 6 week wait just to get one. So what the hell am I suppose to do? I'm moving next month so what's the damn point? I did talk to him about SSD and thinks it would be a great idea for me cause according to him I'm not going to be stable anytime soon. So I guess I'm glad I got that already going. Oh and does think I have bipolar now but does think I need a mood stablizer. Huh? I don't know anymore! Oh and I also have a new diagnoses if you haven't seen its called bpd borderline personality disorder. So now I have to deal with one more thing joy!

      I had a breakdown today. I don't what cause it but whatever. I guess it could be a numerous of things. Oh well life goes on!

      I have been talking alot lately and it seems that no one wants us to move. Well frankly besides my two best friends and my mother's family there is truely nothing here for me. My mother's family totally not a family. Sure they say they'll be there but when you need them their nowhere to be found. Find me a reason and I might reconsider it but I doubt it. Later...................

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

This older couple was sitting around their apartment; she was clipping coupons while he was reading the bible.

The old man said to his wife, "You know honey, everything you ever wanted to know about life is in here."

She returned, "Well, maybe not EVERYTHING, dear."

He replied back, "Sure, just name one thing I can't find in here."

She said, "PMS-you won't find anything about it in there."

He began flipping through the pages, going from one chapter to another, pausing for a few seconds only before going on to the next page. After about 10 minutes, he looked up at his wife and said, "Aha! Here it is, I told you everything was in here."

Then he proceeded to begin reading the script "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass..."

DANGEROUS: "What's for dinner?"
SAFER: "Can I help you with dinner?"
SAFEST: "Where would you like to go for dinner?"

DANGEROUS: "Are you wearing THAT?"
SAFER: "Gee, you look good in brown."
SAFEST: "Wow! Look at you!"

DANGEROUS: "What are you so worked up about?"
SAFER: "Could we be overreacting?"
SAFEST: "Here's fifty dollars."

DANGEROUS: "Should you be eating that?"
SAFER: "You know, there are a lot of apples left."
SAFEST: "Can I get you a glass of wine with that?"

DANGEROUS: "What did you DO all day?"
SAFER: "I hope you didn't overdo today."
SAFEST: "I've always loved you in that robe."

Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........

          Anyways um last nite I had a memory and speech problem. My memory is not very good these days and I'm kinda scared one day I'll wake up and not remember anything about my mother. My speech issue is kinda hard to explain. I can talk normal sometimes and then again like last night I have to focus to utter just one word. Could this be my medicine or another issue on top of everything else?

          Well that is all for now...........

Its becoming more clear that adding Kathy into the the family again will be a nice. She is sort of becoming more of a motherly figure yet only going so far. Our relationship is more of a friendship though. I don't need a mother replacement but its kinda nice to have someone who understands women things. 

       Well anyways we are putting the house up for sale next week. We put the down payment on the house in alabama. We have to pick up boxes this week to do more packing. OMG so exciting yet terrifying. This will be a fresh start for us down there and I think that is what we need right now.

LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT IN LIFE!!

       I think my meds are causing some weird ass side effects too. My legs and feet are swollen. Fun! Now what? More meds to the fucken rescue..........why won't this idiot doctor listen to me.

       Well that is all for now.......

       I don't know what's wrong with me. All I feel like doing balling my eyes out. Why you might ask well I have no idea anymore as why my moods shift so fast. Well it has passed so I guess I won't flippen cry. Its not like it  like I care.

       Moving is getting closer. We have to put a down payment on the house next week and start packing this week. We are just waiting for someone to call my father for a job and we are set to move. We found a lovely little house. Its 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths, laundry room, big kitchen, great room, family room, 3 acres of land, stocked pond, and my favorite 2 dog fences. It seems like a good place.

        Sinful life..........what is sin anyways? Sin is just a word. I think someone just came up with that word back in the day just to scare the fuck out of them. Don't get me wrong I know the whole catholic thing but I reknowenced my faith along time ago cause this whole bible crap does make sense. I'm not religious but I'm totally spiritual.  Some people just push this whole bible crap a little to far. Fine and dandy if you want to share your opinion but don't jam it down someones throat because they won't convert. Is this what God ask you to do? I think not. God is about forgiveness and hope, God is not about badgering people into his beliefs. I'll probably get a lot of shit for those who think this is the way of God but frankly I don't give a DAMN!

     Why grandmother was bitching? Well that is quite simple she is nosy and annoying. This is what happened basically she starts up on my sister and myself about not working. Point blankly my sister hasn't found a job and I am currently applying for SSD so I need to wait.  Then she starts on my animals. That really pissed me off! Tear my soul to shreds but mess with my fucking animals and I'll go off on you. She said some other shit but I'm not going to upset myself again.

      My father has to take his driving test this wednesday. I really hope he passes. If he doesn't my father will lose his job and will be forced to move sooner. So everything is depending on this wednesday, literally. Its really scary about the whole thing. This has been putting alot of stress on my father.

      Kathy and my father have decided that she will be moving in as soon as possible. I have my doubts but she's ok I mean she use to be my father's ex so she can't be all that bad can she. This means our family is growing right? Oh and on top of it my father mentioned something about adopting a child so they could have a child of their own. I find it very funny that they are both fixed hmmmm that should tell ya something.  Oh well as long as I don't have to babysit the little twerp I don't care.

       Yesterday morning I woke up in horror and screaming "mom, mom , mom where are you I need you" it took me awhile to calm down and realize that my mother is dead. She can't help me any longer, no one can I have to survive on my own. I just don't know what's going on inside my head and that scares me. I'm so terrified I'm going to do something stupid. I need a safety zone or something. So was this a sign? Was my mother trying to tell me something?

       Well later all cause I can't think of anymore shit that has happened.

     We are also in the process of packing up what we don't need and so we don't have to much to packup later. I have to pick up boxes this week. Its going to be fun! I need to pick up more carriers for the animals and look up moving truck prices.

      Later all........