You are 13 today. You had me worried for a long time. You've overcome so many obstacles. Straight As, even in MATH!! Surviving and thriving in Jr. High, a school that I heard had a serious bullying problem. You did things your way and it sure is working for you!

All My Love,

Mom

"I'm not ashamed."

I keep telling myself that. I'm not ashamed to ask for help. But I am. I plan on applying for HEAP to help. Being the sold household income for a family of 4, I just need help. Its temporary, and I'm under the income eligibility... and I know sometimes, if you need help-it's okay to ask for it. But, I thought I was past all that. Apparently, I still need something.

I'm not too proud to ask, because I'm obviously applying. But at the same time, I don't feel exactly good about it because it means I can't really support my family. Makes me wonder if the other 'party' feels that way. Had a talk with him yesterday about laundry-which he did 3 loads on a day since it's been sitting there for wks. I do dishes-well, I load the dishwasher every other day-he doesn't even do that. He's home with the kids all day. I know they're young, and a handful. and i understand that once you clean up the toys, they destroy the living room again. But nothing else gets done. Well, not exactly true-he cooks dinner every night-unless I call him to tell him I'm picking something up. he needs to get out of the house every now and again. he's here all the time with the kids. something free-or inexpensive. Or-oh I know, he has a gym membership he can start using.

well, this'll hafta bee a short 1. wow, what kind of sentence was that? i can't capitalize anymore either apparently. too early to care. i've been up for 2 hrs already-haven't even ran to the DSS or gone to work yet. it'll be a long day. ugh.

I have never carried  a self-defense weapons. I'm not at high risk for one reason. I don't go to the mall at night (or ever if I can avoid it). I don't work downtown at night (or go downtown ever, darn it), and I don't live in a high crime neighborhood (thank God!)

It all started on Ebay. Somebody outbid or raised my bid on something so I did what I called "spite bidding" and raised their bid on something. They never raised the bid and I was stuck with a box of Dick Francis books. I figured it was a calculated risk; the guy seems to have written many books, so he must be good. I like mysteries. I was a bit concerned that the horse racing theme would get kind of boring. I went on a trip to my work and over the course of a couple days, saw two people reading Dick Francis novels. It was time for me to start on them.
It started slow, but I ended up loving it! In fact, Francis' description of a self-defense device called the kiyoga, or a spring-loaded batton, actually prompted me to buy "the fearsome thing".

Now I have to remember to carry it with me any time that I could be at risk, which is pretty much any time (except when I'm walking our three wild, over-protective, somewhat pitbull-appearing dogs). I had to laugh when I caught myself considering to bring it on our walks.

It didn't come with instructions. You swing it at the perp and it expands as the business end pops out. I think I know which end is which. Another plus is that I figured there was a low likelyhood of it hurting me by mistake. I'm not so sure about that anymore....what if I swung it while holding the wrong end? I think I should ask my karate instructor because he knows everything about self-defense. Yes, although I train in martial arts, I don't rely on that for protection. Even the  people I know who COULD rely on their martial arts for protection are armed to the teeth! They don't want to leave anything to chance, so they carry a blade strapped somewhere on their body. I'm not sure if they carry it 100% of the time. I also know that my instructor says that if we carry a knife, we should take a lesson or two to know how to use it.

When I carry it, I find myself much more suspcious. That man wearing the coveralls coming toward me in the cemetery...crazed madman or nice worker who wants to help me 'find-a-grave'? The footsteps behind me after my piano lesson....crazed killer or fellow student or parent? Who knows? I better be prepared!!!

Or at least taken a step in the right direction. I'm just a bundle of overjoyed emotions right now. I sure hope he doesn't let us down. I delved into my presidential voting history and this is only the second winner I've voted for. I can't even remember if I even voted in the first two elections for which I was eligible to vote. I remember walking into the school gym next to my nursing school dorm/apt. I probably voted just because I could, to see what it was like. I may have voted for someone for a silly reason; maybe I had seen Bush the first when he was a v.p. candidate. There was a rally in our neighborhood, maybe because there were steel mills? It was such a small corner of Chicago. A dad said, "Kids, you may be looking at a future president". Then he said, "What about the band!?"  A natural politician, he had us eating out of our hands. I may have wanted to be able to say that I saw a u.s. president. I really liked Bush the first. I was disappointed when he lost to Clinton. It took a tragedy like the Oklahoma bombing to get my to like Bill Clinton. I know one person who started liking Bush the second after 911. Not me. Not ever.

Please do not use this space to leave vague, anonymous political messages. Spammers, begone!

Screentek, it just won't go away...although technically it has.

Who knew way back when Ma Screentek burst through the school doors, arms waving, legs marching, mouth proclaiming the superiority of her company...who knew that when my husband and I exchanged annoyed glances and dropped her business cards into the garbage, that she would be forever in my hair. Whether she will be in my hair 'forever' has yet to be determined, but it sure seems likely.

Funny how I'm updating a story I never really told. Suffice it to say that Ma did something that I considered dirty and underhanded enough to make me her enemy for life. Suffice it say that you don't want me for an enemy. Last spring my greatest dream was realized. My husband drove by their so-called business and found it empty. No signs, nothing. Just a few boxes with junk. Trust me, I do not wish misfortune on others unless they have done something horrible to me or someone else. This was bliss. I even found an old website of theirs, complete with misspellings and centering issues. I will post it. I saved a copy before they took it down.  I was so happy that I declared it Haiku week on my website, amidst other celebrations. On that Friday, my husband received a creepy call at work from a very gruff individual who was trying to find me. When he was finally convinced that I did not work there, the guy hung up. Ma had threatened to sue me before, but this hardly seemed like someone from "A Professional Corporation". The lawyer's envelope actually calls his firm that to remove all doubt I guess! Well FightingFemale does not like suspicious, gruff men trying to track her down so she put up a 'coming soon' message on her site. People have had rivals* hurt or killed for even less reason than making fun of a defunct business.

*To be a rival, one must be at or near equal grounds, which we never were.

On the same day that Mr. Hired Henchman called, I re-checked their site. It too had a 'coming soon' sign that proclaimed they had moved their website (can't imagine why) and their business. The sign is still there. Imagine trying to pretend that a business still exists. So sad! My response was to put a link to www.notfoolinganybody.com on my site. My husband also has not seen any activity from them in the area. He thinks that if they are doing any printing, they maybe housing what's left of their equipment in some warehouse. The 2009 telephone book arrived last week and they aren't listed. This village is not friendly to new businesses either; the codes are ridiculous and the taxes/fees are exorbitant.

All the while, Ma kept showing up at my Market Day sale. Honestly, if I threatened to sue somebody and then went down in crushing defeat, I would frequent the other sale site or go without. Why would someone repeatedly go where they aren't wanted? One time that I saw she had ordered, I wore a t-shirt from a major client that we stole from her. My husband printed me up a couple as a trophy. The b**** actually did a double take!  It's one thing to show up to annoy someone when you are *rivals*, but after you've failed? Cluess? No pride? In fact, often times she or her husband (aka Flanders from the Simpsons) shows up late. Right after we found out that their business closed, they didn't show up at all. I put her order in the freezer. When the school called me to find out if they were going to pick up their order, "I heard they've fallen on hard times. I understand they've had a business go belly up".  So last month, she showed up as a volunteer! She does have extra time on her hands. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em? Our paths did not cross because I did the paperwork while she schleped boxes--not how she envisioned things turning out, I'm sure! I did my best to look queenly. (I did and continue to do plenty of schlepping myself .)
My husband's theories as to why she showed up are as follows:
1. She thinks I'm getting free stuff.  He thinks everybody thinks that I am getting free stuff because of his self-professed southwest side attitude. I rarely get free stuff. Last month there was a box of carrot cakes and a box of trail mix cookies that the rep told me to take. The cakes disappeared and the cookies are on top of my freezer in the basement. They have about a thousand calories each and probably taste like straw. One time I ended up with two bags of a pasta vegetable blend that we never ate. That's it.

2. She wants to de-thrown me. Well I wish she would! You would not believe the hours that I put in. I'm constantly afraid that I will ruin my legs by schlepping too much if we don't have enough volunteers, which we rarely do. Just the other day, on the way to visit my mother, I had to call my son while I was driving. I forgot to place an order at another sale for two customers whose orders were turned in late, and the deadline was 45 min. away. I was frantically screaming for him to find the orders and navigating him around the website while I was having a horrible sneezing fit from an allergy attack. I think it would have been easier to talk someone through landing an airplane or delivering a baby. So on Thurs. I will pick up the orders and deliver them. Pie bonus days are coming so I have to pick up the orders from the three schools, enter them, make sure the payments are correct, etc. The day before the last sale, I had to place 72 reminder calls. The day after the sale, the phone rings nonstop:"Why do the forms list the old location?" "We need more forms", "I forgot to pick up my order", etc. Oh yes, such a glamorous life. Need I remind you that I don't make a cent?

3.She heard my husband was helping out last month and wants to ask him for a job. Seems strange that someone would do something horrible, threaten to sue and then go asking for a job. She does have a habit of showing up where she's not wanted, though. Remember: Clueless and no pride.

It's good to be queen! Good triumped over evil for once.

It's me again, summarizing my summer.

I am still passionate about visiting cemeteries (so far just one) to take pictures for www.findagrave.com   I go there before I visit my mother in a nursing home not far from there. She is on a unit for patients with advanced alzheimers. I swear that going to the cemetery keeps me sane. Yesterday, a lady was actively hallucinating about being on a boat, or at least near water. She was calling to some fishermen.  My 81-year-old father visits her 6-7 days a week. I am touched by his love and loyalty, but I am glad that he only stays for a short time. It drains the life out you, really. As a student nurse, I worked on a psych unit 20+ years ago. It wasn't really the 'snake pit', but it was before they had the new drugs that they have now.  As heartbreaking and frightening as it was to see people in that state, the alzheimer's unit is worse because these were people who probably functioned normally their entire lives. These are people who were lucky enough to live to old age and be mostly mobile, but yet were cheated.

Our new dog, Oreo (also known as Puppy, Little One, Oreo Puchini) is doing well. She still needs work with her housebreaking now that it is colder and I can't just leave the door open. She is fighting less with Juice. She is not chewing things that don't belong to her as much. She is very affectionate! Unfortunately, something went wrong with her socialization. She treats us like she treats other dogs: She greets us by sinking her teeth into us. There is no aggression, only tail-wagging, so I know she means well. We are working on it. Adopting dogs from shelters is so rewarding. There might be another whippet in our future, though.

Which means that I can no longer neglect this poor, neglected blog!!

Dear Blog, dear NEGLECTED Blog: Here is what went down this summer...

I have been working like never before. I am torn between being territorial about our new paperless system, "Mine, all mine!" and expressing my need for help, "HELP!!"  It's become a way of  life. With the paper system, I was down to a few hours in front of the t.v. or in the yard. I did not try to cheat my company. I always made it clear that I could handle more work. I volunteered for "special projects". I did not cut corners to finish early.  Now,  when I'm home, I'm working. I don't really mind because I have bad legs from an old running injury, so lots of housework is out of the question. I am obsessed with getting work done. See, I work by the 'item' and there are hundreds of items, sometimes up to 2000+. If I slack, more work just piles up on top of the old work. It's still up to me to complete it.....Good thing I've adjusted. Me, the team player. Me, putting the company first. Me, work obsessed! Wow!

We lost our 15 1/2 yr. old dog Arie. He was the first dog we ever owned; neither of us had a dog as a child either. It was harder than I thought it would be for me because I had been pressuring my husband for months that we should have him put to sleep. My husband is actually taking it better than I thought he would.

bit-bit

Seems as though my updates even on my external blog have been monthly. Even so they are a long time coming. I don't have time to even process my thoughts lately. I'm harboring a lot of anger, no place to relieve it.

Poor Jim has been suffering otherwise as well.

Yes, I'm up at 2:53am. Have been up since midnight actually. Kara was crying, tended to her, and can't sleep. Too much going through my mind. So little time, so much to do... I had the clutter.

The hardwood floors-ha, what an idea. Jim's side was awesome. My carpotunnel was bothering me-so much scraping-bought the chemicals to take off the remaining carpet adhesive from the finished floors under the carpet-but it didn't work. rented a sander-followed instructions-floor is a multicolored mess. Even with the graded sandpaper-that'll be a project coming. At least the carpet is up. The room isn't perfect, but it is better than it was. Less of a bug problem with the hardwood-unlike the carpet-and the flea infestation... guess we also had carpenter ants and spider issues when Terminix came. Even so, not all the fleas were gone when they finished spraying. The cat's'll get treated again in a few days. They have frontline and a flea color.

I'm trying not to cry. I need to find some time to see a therapist-I need some new meds. probably why i'm feeling so overwhelmed. anti-depressant issues. i can't sleep-can't take a sleeping pill because i have a baby that needs me attentive at night, Jim can sleep through a train. Kara's down by 7:30-8 most nights, up by 5:30-7. and up 1-2x during the night. I take Liv up for her nightly moving about 9:30, if she doesn't get up 3x during the moving complaining she's thirsty or hungry. And yes, the kid eats. lol.

My girls are growing so fast.  Tomorrow is Tuesday... I have so much on my agenda this week-probably won't even get it all done and I have a week off work. I want to relax, but there's no time. Lol. Well, since I can't sleep-I wish I could stop my head from going 100mph so I can at least enjoy the jazz music and breathe. Even with all the time in the world, I can admit, there probably wouldn't be enough time. Always seems to be like that. I need to try a little more Taoism and just go with the flow. Flow with the river.

well, cats are going crazy-nocturnal creatures. take care.

Currently listening : ="window.status=unescape('Italia');return true;" ="window.status='';return true;" href="http://www.amazon.com/Italia-Chris-Botti/dp/B000U788RK?SubscriptionId=10YFNG2YAAQ0VTNNR4R2&tag=myspace08-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B000U788RK" target=_blank>Italia By Chris Botti Release date: 2007-09-25

* Mi Hermana Major, my neice and nephew came to visit yesterday for Kara's 1st birthday. Had Ribs and rice. It was nice. Poor cha-chi was being a Mamma's girl. Whenever I'm around she 'needs' her Mama. These types of actions make me want to look more and more into daycare for the socialization.

* I was just venting because it seems like just as something around the house gets fixed, something else goes wrong. Part of home ownership. And balancing work and kids is part of being a mother. It took almost a month to take care of the bug infestation, took 3 months for Jim to finish the back roof-which still isn't completely finished, and we still didn't clear out the storage room. I had wanted to actually go on vaca during this week I have off work, but i'm spending the time doing the donation bags, cleaning the house, doing the laundry-as everything in the home needs to be rewashed because of the bugs + treatment, but we've got a limited number of clothes we've been working with for a while.

* I'm feeling guilty b/c Big Sis' been trying to help me around the house, but has a lot going on at home and I feel like an extra burden to her. I hadn't seen her kids in ages until pretty much yesterday and today. I'm going to visit Grams tomorrow, but even that is a long time coming. I just spoke with Lil Sis last night after not speaking to her in over a month-and she only called because of issues with her personal life. At least I got to talk with her, hope all bodes well... Speaking of Lil Sis though, visit this link: BKD...Don't tell her I shared it. lol.

I've just not felt up to par lately with all the issues at home. I'm beating myself over things here feeling like a bad mom-and it seems as though everything else has gone to the way-side. I'm neglecting every other aspect of my life.