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Well here I am again, it's been one year and five monthts since I last visited this site. I'm an official resident of the new shire and I'm so far from the ocean and my home! The only good thing that came out of my captivity was this silly machine! I have a bike that doesn't run right and if I thought I could get away with stepping in front of a speeding semi I'd do it in a heartbeat! Enough whining |
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On Friday March 19th I finally made it here to my Darling Daughters' house! I was supposed to go back to Somerville but my ride never showed up. Call it devine provedence or whatever you like but here I sit in my kids' living room writing this blog once again. Upon my arrival the depression melted away and all felt right with the world. I have never been happier and neither has my kid as near as I can tell. We got drunk together my second night here, no actually it was the third night here. I got here on Friday and my daughter had her little brother (my ex-wife's third kid) over for a visit it was a bit of a pain in the ass but I got through it ok. So on Sunday night (the 21st.) we both got a sixer of Jack Daniel's Country Cocktails, Downhome Punch to be exact. My kid got a little more trashed than me but in the long run I stayed more sober than she did although she did sober up quickly. I'm sleeping on an oversized easy chair but even so I've been sleeping better here than I have been sleeping of late. Being gone from the village has done me a world of good! I'm so happy to be free from my captors and I swear I will contact them only when I need too. My captors wanted me to stay in touch but I refuse to there was just too much bad blood to go around for me! But I'm here and I couldn't be happier about it. Nighty nite for now, more later! |
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Today was the single most fucked up day yet. But for a change instead of it turning out bad it turned out good! Yesterday my PCP out here decided in his infinite wisdom that I deserved a script of 80; 60Mg MS Contin tablets. So today much to my chargin I decided to fill the script. I came back here to my cell and took two of them. The rest of the day I was in a constant panic thinking that I was going to be screwed later on because my captor would no doubt try to take the script from me and then count them out to see if I'd been dipping. Well as it turned out not only was I not asked to stand and deliver, but I was given back that which was taken from me earlier in the month! So now I'm sitting on 108 MS Contin 60Mg tablets! It is now 30 minutes into Wednesday and I can't wait for Friday! My rescuers' will be here soon and I will load the car and be on my way baby! Somerville, wonderful Somerville MA. the town that I grew up in. the only place on the face of the planet where I feel safe and welcome! My girl will be getting a fistful of Percocet 10's a week after I get home so we'll see what happens with that I know for a fact that by Friday night I won't be able to walk most likely due to being oversexed! I know my prick is in for a hell of a ride when I get back and I will no doubt have a headache from listening to her whine all the way home! That's pretty much all she's good for being a 43 year old baby and a drug mule! But if it wasn't for her I never would have met Dr. Miekrantz and gotten on all these wonderful pain-killers in the first place! Well it looks as if I've written enough for one night I guess it's time to hit the sack! Nighty Nite! |
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Well once again The Capitan Of The Guard has flipped out on me! I was originally slated to leave here on the 1st of April but now things have changed just last week I was told that my presence here can no longer be tollerated and I must leave by March 21st. So I have contacted my girl-friend Gina and told her she needs to come get me. She has done nothing but text and call me 20 times each per day since I got here. And to think I almost told her to go take a flying leap. But it was another mistake I didn't make thank the powers that be! The only thing now is if she ever messes with this computer I will destroy her in place! She won't even get the chance to scream she will be dead before she hits the floor! This machine is far too precious to me now it's my life's blood. I can't get over how attached to this thing I am I just hope I'm able to get some kind of signal when I get back to my home town! I wonder if I'm going to be able to handle living with this broad? All she ever does is whine I'll put up with it for as long as I can then perhaps some day I will bail on her and go live with my kid. I wanted to do that in the first place but these people decided to throw my ass out before I could get my shit together. I'm so sick of being bounced from place to place it's like I can't seem to find someplace stable to stay for any length of time! As it turns out the room I had back on Flint Street is still available and I wouldn't be surprised if I could get my old job at Autozone back. I've got my disability for the next three years though so I don't have to worry too much about income for now. Well I guess I'm going to end this entry I can't wait to get back home and jam with Mikey Brogna, my best friend from Jr. High! Later people I can't wait to go home! |
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Another banner day here! The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife! Sitting down to a meal with these people is the worst kind of torture imaginable! Just when I thought the problems were over and done with The Capitan Of The Guard starts up again! "The Warden wants to know when you are leaving, and where your going, and what you're going to do when you get there." "You simply must tell us everything, omit nothing!" I wish somebody read this stuff I'm writing down so I could maybe gain some insight on what to do about it. I'm going to wind up breaking Gina's heart but after what she did to me I guess it can't be helped. I want to go back to where I came from but if I do I'll be breaking my kids' heart and I can't have that. I'm so mixed up things here are as bad as they can get for the time being I'm certainly not going to challange worse here because I've learned that things can always get worse! So here I sit waiting for my favorite ex to mount a rescue and I continue to pray that all is going to work out. This one is going to be short tonight I'm too spent to write any further. |
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Why, along with If, two of the biggest little words in the English language. I want to put a bullet in my head! I'm so sick of feeling like shit every day. Crying in my sleep waking up to a soaking wet pillow and a friggin migrane headache, 2 months ago I watched a 22 year old college boy die right in front of me, the kid broadsided a Dodge pick-up in a Honda Civic, all his bones were powder, what I don't understand is how someone with a lust for life and so many years to live could wind up dead and a guy like me who prays for death everyday continues to live! I still can't believe I made it this far, I should have been dead back in 1990, I was right there, I could feel the Grim Reaper breathing in my ear with his death rattle and I lived. I really wanted to die but for some reason the brain took over and decided we wanted to live, another big mistake in the endless line of mistakes I've made! Why I just don't understand why. We can put down animals but a person who wants to be put down gets put away instead of put down. I just wish I could walk into a hospital and sign a piece of paper and have them put me to sleep permanently! My captors have taken my will to live completely. I don't want to be on the face of this planet anymore because of what they have done to me in the name of love what shitty deal! When I leave here it will be a minor miracle if I can keep myself from suing these people and teach them a damn fine lesson! Why, why can't I find happiness? All I ever wanted was to be left alone in peace but I haven't found it yet. I came close once, I had a great job and a nice place to live and a really nice motorcycle, I tried to keep it all together but once again God conspired to dump me in the shit and a little while later I was back in the shit again! I have never recovered, I don't thinl I ever will. My captors don't understand my deathwish, all my life has been a pile of shit and I don't ever see it getting any better. |
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Well here we go more bitching about The Capitan Of The Guard! I have been pushed these last two days almost to the breaking point! It snowed out here the heavy wet stuff and it continues to rain now so if the temprature drops it's all going to freeze solid so you have to get rid of it post-haste! So I've had my balls broken 2 days in a row now out shoveling with The Warden! The Warden never stops! Ever! And I thought I was anal-retentive. I am but not to the same extent. Every part of me aches and The Capitan Of The Guard is to blame! By talking to my doctor and getting my morphine draged down from 200Mgs. a day to 120Mgs. and it's supposed to be 180Mgs. I just can't wait to get out of here! I'm not only going to burn this bridge behind me I'm going to anihilate the whole area around the damn bridge as well so there is nothing to come back to let alone a bridge to cross! If I could nuke this part of the planet right off the map I would! I would just love to turn this podunk little town into a giant crater 4 square miles in diamater! Nothing would please me more just wipe this place out and all the people who live here as well! The Capitan Of The Guard came to me 3 nights ago and dumped a urine test on me for drugs! I'm not even in a goddamn program and ths person has the balls to lay a drug screening on me! Like I said in earlier posts I'm going to decimate my relationship with these people in one letter! Everyone here is going to hate me and that's just the way I want it so that this never happens again! And my old man had better have protection in the after-life cuz when I die if I ever get my hands on him I will beat him to death for eternity! I will make it my mission from here until I die and after to kick his ass all over heaven or hell or wherever he is when I catch up with him! It's because of him that I'm in this position! I would love nothing more than to go for a walk and have a smoke right now but I can't even do that! I almost wound up with another full blown lecture this morning but thank whoever is up there that I had the good sense to leave my light on this morning so The Capitan could send me out behind The Warden to clean up the holidays. April is coming, and I hope for the sake of my rescuers that they can make it here to get me cuz if they can't I'm going back to where I came from with only a handfull of my things. I don't even know what to leave and what to take except for the obvious like my lappy and my DS Lite. and my Charger Daytona too. I will take all my Hot Wheels, I left too much diecast behind my planes and other things I wish I had taken! I had a full set of Matcbox Dinky 1:43 Scale cars and I left them behind if I ever get back to that part of the world I'll have to check up on my old friends' and see if they saved anything for me I should have answered the phone when they called me to make sure that they were going to save everything for me but like the dolt I am I didn't and now it's something I am once again regretting! April just simply can't come quick enough! |
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3:13 a.m. Jesus I don't know if it's a lack of drugs or if I just have a bad case of insomnia. I wouldn't be surprised if it's because I'm so damned uncomfortable in this place I had to deal with a one hour lecture yesterday morning, it was Hell! I simply can not wait until April when I can finally thumb my nose at these people I knew I shouldn't have come here in the first place I really wish it haden't have happened this way now there are things that were in place that are gone that I may never be able to get back unless I go back east. But I want to go north! I no longer wonder why people in my position choose suicide, it's starting to look like a grand alternitave indeed! I would love nothing more than to pull the trigger on myself right in front of these people and leave behind a note stating "You did this to me weither you choose to believe it or not! I'm gone because of you!" I just can't stand to be humiliated over and over again! I really hope I don't have to listen to another lecture again I don't think I'll be able to handle it Hell I just might call my ex and have her come get me if this shit keeps up! I have to get out of here I can't take being around these people anymore it's getting to be way too much to deal with! I just wish and I keep saying this that someone would please tell me what it was that I did that was so wrong as to warrant my life being a continuous living Hell? Would someone please, PLEASE tell me, so I can make ammends! Whoever I hurt whatever I did I'm sorry God do you hear me? Please stop torturing me! I'm sorry, so sorry PLEASE Just stop I'm begging you I need a break I really can't take much more it's becomming to much to bear! PLEASE GOD! I'M BEGGING YOU TO STOP THIS! |
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I finally figured out what I was doing wrong and I corrected the problem! As for the home life however, that continues to go down the tubes rapidly! The Capitan Of The Guard came to me today and suggested that I go into a drug treatment program, I responded that I would think about it. That closed the subject for now but we will no doubt get back to it before my parole date I'm sure. And at that time whenever it may be I will refuse for sure! There is no way I'm going to flush my life and self esteem any further down the toilet than it already is! I'd rather be a turd floating in the bowl than a turd floating in the sewer! Ahh! I wish I had given consideration to my nose a lot sonner! Such sweet bliss and more to come on Tuesday for sure! I love being vague everybody thinks I'm talking about one thing when it is quite the opposite you see I'm addicted to Afrin Nasil Spray, there is nothing quite as pleasurable as being able to drag a lung full of air through a freely flowing nose! I want to go home! I left a message for my ex-wife and another for my kid begging them both to come rescue me from this living hell! I can't take much more of this it's not enough that these people want me off the Morphine but they want to lock me up as well this is taking things too damn far I'm not going to be pushed into something that's going to trash my life even further! Another red flag is the last damn thing I need right now it was hard enough for me to get what I had when I got here and now these people want to take all that away from me permanently.... I don't think so! My God what did I do that was so wrong that I need to be put through all this hell day after day and year after year? I would give damn near anything besides this computer that is to find the answer to that question, because if I knew what it was that I did then maybe I could do something about it. Make amends to the right people and remove whatever curse that's been placed upon me! I would give damn near anything like I said I'm that desperate! Somebody Please Help Me! |
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It's 1:30 in the morning at the time of this writing. The rest of the world is in bed at this hour (at least those in the eastern time zone) and I'm wide awake. The Clonodine is just starting to kick in and I wish I still had my Oxycodone! Coming here was the worst mistake I ever made in my life! I can't believe how much Hell one person can inflict on another. My main problem is I keep forgetting that no matter how much a person tells you they love you if there isn't a blood tie you'll always be a second class citizen in their world. I have never felt so alone in my whole life! Everybody who ever mattered to me is dead or gone from my life because of something I said or because of some other force but regradless of ther reason I'm still alone! I can't believe how much Hell I've already been through in my life and it still continues to this day! I want out! April can not come quickly enough! |
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I've contacted my ex-wife and she has offered to come get me on the first of April, my parole date from this living hell! I just pray that it all goes smoothly! I hate it here I hate my captors too! These were people that were once near and dear to my heart but NO MORE! I can't stand either of them they have said things to me that no human being should ever have to hear especially with what I've been through! I want to unload on the both of them tell them exactly what they have done to me in the few short months that I have been here. The best way for me to explain it is to quote Daffy Duck from the Chuck Jones cartoon Duck Amuck: "And I have never been so humiliated in all my life!" I was never asked to shovel snow, and one day I overslept, I tried to apologise and what was said in return made my blood run cold: "Well you don't seem to have any trouble making your seven a.m. drug meeting." Would someone please tell me why a man who is legally prescribed pain medication and is not abusing it should be treated like a drug addict? I just don't get it I really don't! I just want to get the hell away from this place as fast as I can and as far as I can! and never look back! I want to tell these people to go to hell in a handbasket they are both being cremated in death I want to piss in their ashes! I used to love these people I really did and now I hate them with a passion! I don't usually hold a grudge against anyone hell my exgirlfriend robbed me and I don't hate her but what these people have done to me is inexcusable! I will hate the both of them beyond my dying day! I have to close now it's late and I must sleep! |
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I am going home soon very soon in fact! My parole date is set for April 1st. I can not wait to be out of this hell hole no moe arguing with The Capitan Of The Guard and if my captors expect me to stay in touch after all this is over these people have their heads so far up their asses they may as well never see the light of day ever again! The Warden will not be effected by my decision but The Capitan of the Guard will! Good there will be a lesson to be learned by that party! I should have gone back to the bottle for a goof but it's harder to hide than what I'm presently messing myself up with. I want to go home and get back under my old PCP's care but I also want to go north as well and be with my children! I miss my children even though they are grown I still miss them Hell, I miss them that much more now that they are grown. There's not much more to bitch about tonight so I'm going to make this a short one. Goodnight cruel world! |
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A new day, I hope for my sake that it's better than yesterday, but all things considered it will most likely be another disaster! It seems lately that one day is worse than the previous. And every day thereafter gets progressivly worse! I tried to tell The Capitan that my being here was a bad idea but what the hell do I know and now relations are wearing razor thin which is very bad for me! I'm going to end up homeless again and lose everything again! I pray it doesn't happen that way! I will give or do almost anything to prevent that from happening except to admit to something I am not guilty of! Or something that is suspect. I will not be drawn in by that trick! Someone evedently says "We know what you told that person so why not just admit to it!" That's the biggest con game in the history of man! The Capitan tried to lure me into that one earlier and I would not fall into it no way no how! I may make big mistakes from time to time but mostly even though they are big they are honest mistakes I do very little out of malice in my life. I try not to hurt people needlessly who have not hurt me in some way shape or form first. in fact I believe it to be counter productive to talk about someone behind their backs it usually blows up in your face at some point. I refuse to believe that the person I confided in betrayed me considering I have dirt on that person as well even though they don't believe me to be a threat I was under the impression that we had a mutual agreement concerning The Capitan. Perhaps I could be wrong I'll try to find out next Tuesday if I can. $200.00 will buy me a way out I just have to get there with the cash I'm hoping that I'll be able to accomplish that next month for sure I want to be out of here soon my mind and emotional center are dangerously overloaded at this point and I'm really close to snapping again. I can feel my cheese sliding off my cracker again! I need to go before I really screw up and get myself into some hardcore legal trouble! I must call my exwife tomorrow and see what she can do for me it's beyond time to move on I wish I had been more firm in my refusal to come here all of this wouldn't be happening right now and I'd be reasonably happy of course I'd still be bangging away on my IBM most likely or perhaps I would have bought something a little newer. In any case I have my Gateway Lappy now and I plan on holdong on to it for dear life this one is not going to go the way my Solo 5300 went no sir no way! Enough for now good thing nobody reads this slop! |
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The Capitan of The Guard took me to the doctors' today and then after telling th' "Doc" about my sore shoulder he went and told The Capitan to take it easy on me, BIG MISTAKE! The Capitan is now pissed with me and has confered with The Warden to parlay my even earlier release from this hell hole! I want to call my squeeze to come get me! My mind is slipping it's moorings, I really don't know how much more of this I can take I just talked to my PCP that's all I did and I get thrown out on my ass for it I don't know what to do anymore I just don't I'm going to have to call my ex-wife soon and get her to come get me I'm not going to make it here until May! Are you happy Father? You are the one who put me in this position if you had just kept your mouth shut concerning me I'd be dead and happy right now! I hope you're up there and that you are satisfied with what you've wrought! You should have kept it in your pants I don't deserve this! I've seen and been through too much to have to cope with this any longer! And I swear if I ever make it back east I'm going to Revere and I'm going to piss all over your grave! I hate you Father you left me down here all alone and the one person you leave to take care of me turns out to be a friggin' tyrant I HATE YOU! Even though you are dead I hate you and your friggin' wife too the both of you should have been shot dead just for getting married! I didn't ask to be born! in fact I didn't want to be born! And now thanx to you my life is even more of a living hell than it has ever been I hope your happy Father I really hope you're happy if I thought for one minute that I could take revenge on you for what you have done to me by commiting suicide I'd be half way to your door right now! Someday perhaps we'll meet again and I should warn you that you should pray that someday I forgive you in this life because if not I will find a way to revenge myself upon you for putting me in this position! I hope you and Mother are happy I HATE YOU BOTH! |
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It's finally happened! A meeting between The Capitan Of The Guard and my Primary Care Physician has resulted in a decrease in my Morphine daily dosage. The doctor has cut me back from 200 Mgs. a day to 120 Mgs. I'm going to punish the shit out of The Capitan when I get out of here! I've been stripped of my dignity and robbed of everything I held dear, my self-esteem and my will to live! I no longer wish to participate in this thing called life! I want out but I had to be a sucker and let my ex-wife talk me into having a kid! Now my whole life is ruined! But this is ok and too shall pass my Captor's heart is going to be broken when I sever all ties but hey that person should have thought ahead instead of trying total domination! This has gone too far I've let people walk all over me for far too long from now on I will allow noone to dominate me I'm far too old to be treated like a child and controlled it's gone way too far! I will make my mind known come April and May it's going to be good getting everything off my chest and back certian people have taken far too many liberties and I'm the fool for having allowed it to happen I feel like causing myself great physical harm for being so stupid but that thought is stupid too so I sit here in a wallow of self-loathing! NO MORE! I will never allow another to do this to me again for the rest of my life I swear this creed no other shall ever dominate me again! My ex-wife has agreed to come get me in May and take me far away from this hell hole and I can't wait I have enough in my medical records to get another doctor to titrate my pain level as long as I don't abuse I will not not this time not ever again! I want to go back to Boston and get back under Dr. Bill's care he was taking good care of me and I want him back as my Primary care doctor at least he understood the situation! The Capitan oOf The Guard will fail in the quest to change me I will not allow it to happen! I will not be changed I like where I'm at and always will! There will be better times ahead for me. I will get far away from this place and be with my true family not these adopted people who want only to control and dominate me! As I said earlier NO MORE! The Capitan Of The Guard has invested much time in trying to change me and it will be with great pleasure when I hand The Capitan the agony of defeat! I will hurt you yes you deserve it for what you have done to me! No physical pain no emotional it's far more dibilitating to the soul. The body heals but the soul remains scarred. This I know first hand for my soul has deep rifts yes quite deep indeed and The Capitan has only managed to rend them deeper! I will get out I will escape I will go far away and I will sever all ties this will hurt The Capitan yes it will! But hopefully it will serve a lesson that it should never happen again to anyone! I will close now with profound sadness I will lay my head upon the pillow this night. But I will not pray for a better tomorrow, for I know my prayers will never be answered! I hope you are happy father! You have ruined my life from beyond the grave and if I should ever meet you in the next realm should there be one I hope for the chance at vengence! |
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Another night in Hell. The depression is heavy tonight! I want to kill my ex-wife for tricking me into becoming a father if it weren't for my kid I'd be dead already and none of this would be relevent! But as it stands I have both a daughter and a granddaughter and that seems to be enough to keep me alive right now. hell forever it seems! I just can't be that selfish I lost my parents when I was young they were both gone by the time I was 12 I just can't do that to my kid she'd follow me and I can't have that! Plus I just don't know what's beyond this if anything it's so hard to go when you don't know where you'll end up. With my luck I'd wind up walking the earth for eternity or haunting this house! I don't want to spend another minute here nevermind eternity! Why can't someone come rescue me? I want Hell, NEED someone to come spirit me away! I'd gladly give almost anything (except my computer) to be happy for the rest of my life, but that I think I can handle the thing that scares me the most is that there's not going to be anybody waiting for me when I die to take me to the other side! I can feel it to be true. That's the thing that makes me cry the most! I'm 43 and I cry all the time like a spoiled rotten child who's been denied everything he loves! It's pathetic! And people wonder why I want to die so bad! I just can't handle being here anymore! I WANT TO GO HOME! IF YOU'RE UP THERE MOTHER I'M BEGGING YOU PLEASE HELP ME! The thing I fail to understand is why people feel the need to be so damn cruel to each other, The person that I'm staying with used to be my best friend and now I call this person my captor even Capitan Of The Guard because this place is so much like a prison to me! I've tried explaining myself so many times and I keep getting the same response so I've just given up! It seems the only good thing that has come from all of this so far is this machine in which I'm using to write this blog! It is a Gateway NV series and oh my Jesus is it fast compared to the dinosaur I was working on even though my IBM was state of the art and fully upgraded to it's capacity 8x DVD ROM 14 Gb. HDD. 320 Mb. RAM 14" LCD TFT Display @ 32 bit color by 1024 x 768 max res. 2 PCMCIA slots and 1 USB 2.0 slot built in 10/100 network card and a 56K modem as well but like I said it's nothing compared to this baby! BluRay DVD/CDRW 4Gb RAM 320 Gb. HDD HDMI Output 56K modem 10/100/1000 network card 4 USB 2.0 2.13 Ghz. Dual Core Processor 15.6" LCD HD display 256 Mb. VRAM I could go on all night and I still haven't mentioned the WiFi B+G+N connectivity either! So that's going to do it for this entry it's bed time I gotta get up tomorrow or I'll catch Hell from The Capitan Of The Guard! I find it funny that The Warden leaves me alone! Good thing nobody reads this slop! |
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I'm losing my mind slowly. I thought for sure The Capitan Of The Guard was messing with my meds. I was given a whole tab this morning and a half a tab this evening. I almost made a phonecall concerning this development but it turned out to just be an oversite on my part a simple sceduling error. Let's hope for the sake of peace that this doesn't continue. I'm so unhappy I can't believe how much of a mistake I made in coming here so far the only good thing that has come out of this is my new toy Blackie. A laptop with top of the line performance! Microsoft makes a wireless rat that fits this machines dacor to a "T" I love everything abot this machine! now all I need is to get my DS Lite repaired and get my S-10 and then get the hell out of here! I'm glad that I listened to The Capitan Of The Guard when the suggestion to give up control of my money was made. Otherwise this machine never would have made it into my possetion! I saw an ad for a Dell Inspiron 1545 today $399.00 I think it was comperably equiped to my machine, but Gateway has my loyalty. I had a Solo 5300 years ago it was a PIII 750 with something like 256 Mb. of RAM an 80 Gb. HDD. and a DVD Rom with a hot swap CD/RW it got ripped off one night while I was driving a cab. I cried! But now I have Blackie! All is well for the time being! I guess I'm going to call it a night now! Good thing nobody reads this slop! |
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Captivity Day: 133, I'm beginning to miss collecting comic books. I miss my monthly book trips. I lost all my latest Ghost Rider books in my last break-in. Actually it was an inside job the bitch robbed me or her husband did. Doesn't matter now all my shit is long gone now! My liver is killing me. Even though I'm as high as a kite SKYWARD HO! I'm still in pain. The Capitan Of The Guard thought it was best to take my pills away from me but little does The Capitan know that as soon as I have my own vehicle I'm gone quicker than shit through a goose! I will not be dominated any longer than I have to. I was talking with my ex-wife earlier and she has a line on a sympathetic doctor. That was all I needed to hear! This facility will hold me no longer! And when I do break free like I stated in past Blog entries I am going to let both The Capitan and The Warden know just how I feel about how I was treated while I was at this facility. Am I actually incarcarated? No, but I may-as-well be. It is for all the world a prison without bars on the windows. It is an emotional prison. I'm being taken advantage of to some degree, everyday! Today was no different. I went to the market to get cranberry juice and was bitched at for accepting money from The Warden. I fear The Warden but it is The Capitan Of The Guard that I fear the most. Quick to anger are the both of them but The Capitan knows how to cut in different ways, benign ways. With just a flick of the tounge, ZAP! and the blood flows freely! Emotional bleeding is the worse, it takes a long time to stem the tide. And anybody who has ever had to deal with such a thing knows exactly what I mean! Robert Fulghum once quoted: "Sticks and stones my break our bones.... But words will break our hearts." I would much rather be beaten half to death than to put up with another day on this rock! I'm in a hard nod for once and must go to bed before I hurt Blackie here it'sy ownly link to sanity right now. If not for this machine it would be too late for me! We shall see what the summer brings hopefully it will bring black powder cap and ball .44 caliber! Good thing nobody reads this slop! |
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Well, here I sit in my cell blogging again. I finally got up the balls and layed into my long distance girl-friend. She sent me 34 text messages last week. 34 TEXT MESSAGES! What kind of freak sends someone 34 text messages in one day! Jesus why do I always have to get stuck with the psychos? All I ever wanted out of this life was a little stability and someone to share life with someone I could get along with but all I ever wind up with are psychos' druggies' and whores' I'm so sick of it! I consider going gay but I fail to see the difference in it all! So I'm just going to stay single and ride it out! I'm bombed and gotta go now. |
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Well here we are at 1:45 in the a.m. on the 5th of February and nothing has changed! I get more out of writing on this site than I do in an hour at my shrink! I have had enough of this place and this machine is the only thing keeping me sane! I went and opened my mouth to the wrong people and now I'm stuck doing something I don't want to do tomorrow! oh hell whatever we'll get through it just like everything else! I had a nice chat with my ex-wife earlier it was nice she still cares about me and shit which I enjoy so I've made my decision to go north finally. Everybody was telling me to move to NH. and now I'm finally going to go. I just wish I could take Gina with me but I don't think I'm going to. Hell wake up moron what do you want that headache for? Jesus sometimes I scare myself badly! I think this is going to be a short entry tonight as it's very early and I must turn in I've been up way to late again. This machine, this damn machine! Blackie I love you even though you keep me up all night! Ok, TTFN gotta go to bed! |
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