2/14/2010 - The Depression is heavy with this one!
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Another night in Hell. The depression is heavy tonight! I want to kill my ex-wife for tricking me into becoming a father if it weren't for my kid I'd be dead already and none of this would be relevent! But as it stands I have both a daughter and a granddaughter and that seems to be enough to keep me alive right now. hell forever it seems! I just can't be that selfish I lost my parents when I was young they were both gone by the time I was 12 I just can't do that to my kid she'd follow me and I can't have that! Plus I just don't know what's beyond this if anything it's so hard to go when you don't know where you'll end up. With my luck I'd wind up walking the earth for eternity or haunting this house! I don't want to spend another minute here nevermind eternity! Why can't someone come rescue me? I want Hell, NEED someone to come spirit me away! I'd gladly give almost anything (except my computer) to be happy for the rest of my life, but that I think I can handle the thing that scares me the most is that there's not going to be anybody waiting for me when I die to take me to the other side! I can feel it to be true. That's the thing that makes me cry the most! I'm 43 and I cry all the time like a spoiled rotten child who's been denied everything he loves! It's pathetic! And people wonder why I want to die so bad! I just can't handle being here anymore! I WANT TO GO HOME! IF YOU'RE UP THERE MOTHER I'M BEGGING YOU PLEASE HELP ME! The thing I fail to understand is why people feel the need to be so damn cruel to each other, The person that I'm staying with used to be my best friend and now I call this person my captor even Capitan Of The Guard because this place is so much like a prison to me! I've tried explaining myself so many times and I keep getting the same response so I've just given up! It seems the only good thing that has come from all of this so far is this machine in which I'm using to write this blog! It is a Gateway NV series and oh my Jesus is it fast compared to the dinosaur I was working on even though my IBM was state of the art and fully upgraded to it's capacity 8x DVD ROM 14 Gb. HDD. 320 Mb. RAM 14" LCD TFT Display @ 32 bit color by 1024 x 768 max res. 2 PCMCIA slots and 1 USB 2.0 slot built in 10/100 network card and a 56K modem as well but like I said it's nothing compared to this baby! BluRay DVD/CDRW 4Gb RAM 320 Gb. HDD HDMI Output 56K modem 10/100/1000 network card 4 USB 2.0 2.13 Ghz. Dual Core Processor 15.6" LCD HD display 256 Mb. VRAM I could go on all night and I still haven't mentioned the WiFi B+G+N connectivity either! So that's going to do it for this entry it's bed time I gotta get up tomorrow or I'll catch Hell from The Capitan Of The Guard! I find it funny that The Warden leaves me alone! Good thing nobody reads this slop! |
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