Why, along with If, two of the biggest little words in the English language. I want to put a bullet in my head! I'm so sick of feeling like shit every day. Crying in my sleep waking up to a soaking wet pillow and a friggin migrane headache, 2 months ago I watched a 22 year old college boy die right in front of me, the kid broadsided a Dodge pick-up in a Honda Civic, all his bones were powder, what I don't understand is how someone with a lust for life and so many years to live could wind up dead and a guy like me who prays for death everyday continues to live! I still can't believe I made it this far, I should have been dead back in 1990, I was right there, I could feel the Grim Reaper breathing in my ear with his death rattle and I lived. I really wanted to die but for some reason the brain took over and decided we wanted to live, another big mistake in the endless line of mistakes I've made! Why I just don't understand why. We can put down animals but a person who wants to be put down gets put away instead of put down. I just wish I could walk into a hospital and sign a piece of paper and have them put me to sleep permanently! My captors have taken my will to live completely. I don't want to be on the face of this planet anymore because of what they have done to me in the name of love what shitty deal! When I leave here it will be a minor miracle if I can keep myself from suing these people and teach them a damn fine lesson! Why, why can't I find happiness? All I ever wanted was to be left alone in peace but I haven't found it yet. I came close once, I had a great job and a nice place to live and a really nice motorcycle, I tried to keep it all together but once again God conspired to dump me in the shit and a little while later I was back in the shit again! I have never recovered, I don't thinl I ever will. My captors don't understand my deathwish, all my life has been a pile of shit and I don't ever see it getting any better.