2/3/2010 - Latest Bullspit!
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My captor contiues the bull, I'm being treated worse than ever! I was on 200mgs. of morphine and 180mgs. of Oxycodone a day. My captor started destroying my Oxycodone scripts after a month here and now my captor is trying to take me off my Morphine. I'm almost at the end of my rope! Very soon I will leave here and before I do my captor is going to get a piece of my mind hardcore! The only thing I have keeping me happy right now is the fact that I'm writing this on the sweetest machine I have ever owned! I bought a Gateway NV series laptop and oh my Goddess Green what a machine! This thing is the fastest thing I have ever seen! I had a horror just last night though! I tried to retrieve some information from my old machine and I screwed up the AC adapter! I shorted it out I don't know how the damn plug fit fine! But thankfully my oldest machine an intel Pentium 200Mhz. CTX Easy Book saved the day with a compatable (just barely) AC adapter. So now I've spent the better part of the day editing my stories in MS Word 2007. It won't be long before I have a manuscript ready for submission! Who knows perhaps I can spend the rest of my life on SSDI and just write on the side for a little extra money. I miss my girlfriend I hope she's ok, my kid can't stand her and this may make things difficult later on. But we'll burn that bridge when we cross it! I guess I'm going to have to leave her, I just hope that some day I don't wind up being dragged off for rape! She did this to me right before I left I was due to leave on Saturday the 5th of October on the 4th the Somerville Police Major Case Squad showed up at my door to tell me that my Gina had said I raped her at gunpoint but I think I already told you about this in an earlier post so I'm going to let it go for now. So let's get back to bitching about my captor I guess it's good that nobody reads this slop! I have to get out of here I want to go home actually I want to go live with my kid! I'm sure I can find another doctor to perscribe the drugs that I need to keep me happy. I just have to try to hold on until I can get a car and get the hell out of here I wish I could get my hands on a 1981 Chevy Malibu Classic something with a 305 V8 would be nice or perhaps a MonteCarlo. I'm really a Dodge guy I'd love to get my hands on a '70's Dart or a Plymouth Valliant from the same decade. Maybe some day! I cried myself to sleep last night I just got damned emotional that I couldn't hold back the tears any more. That's something like the fifth time I've broken down since I've been here. It's amazing how a simple computer can help keep a person sane! I'm still on the ragged edge I've lost touch with some of the people I used to call friends. no one calls me any more except for the woman who accused me of rape she calls me every day and cries in my ear begging me to come back to the area where I grew up and I keep telling her that I need time to get my act all tight. And then my love I will be back for you but the truth is that I want to go to live with my kid and forget all about her! I must remember to get in contact with the people who run this site and thank them for helping to keep me sane! To you people at Journal Home I love you all! TTFN People, good thing nobody reads this slop! |
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12/25/2009 - Christmas, JOY!
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"Today is Christmas, chapel will comence at 09:30 God was here before the Marines so you can give your heart to Jesus, BUT YOUR ASS BELONGS TO THE CORP.!" I WANT TO GO HOME! I don't feel safe here my aunt is stripping me of all my dignity! She destroyed a scrip of painkillers right in front of me, I wanted to knock her cold on her ass! That in my book was wrong on so many levels! I want to go home I'm tired of being treated like a child! Oh Hell, all I can do right now is bitch! My disability has been approved and soon I will walk out of this house a free man, then it's back to the Boston area, I long to see the big water again and smell the salt in the air! Soon My Love! We will be back together! I don't care if it costs me my relationship with my aunt I need to be free from this hell hole I can't drink I can't smoke and I am in constant chronic pain! I wake up in tears and go to bed in tears! The only thing that has been good is that I have started two new stories and I have finished a third. Dispair is in the can I have started The Coven and The House On The Edge Of Hell. Maybe someday I'll be a published writer (right Bob keep dreaming!) now I wait for the sun to come up again. Tomorrow perhaps will be a better day I have ordered some new software, I await it's arival with bated breath, it's sad when something as simple as a game is the only thing to look forward too! I'm fighting to hold back the tears right now, in less than a week I'll be 43 and I cry every day like a 5 year old who is refused a special toy! I'm so alone! My lover and my friends tried to tell me I was making a mistake but I didn't listen, mostly because my lover was a bitch! She treated me like shit! When she did for me it was not to be forgetten. When I did for her it was expected and never thanked and when I was wrong it was never to be lived down! And now I miss her more than anything in the world I just wish God would take me tonight in my sleep I deserve a peaceful death but I won't have one, this I know for sure. I'm shitting Blood now every day! What's next I wonder. More of the same I imagine. Good thing no one reads this slop! |
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11/30/2009 - Colon Cancer
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Got the word today that now on top of the liver and all my other issues it's possible that I may have colon cancer! JOY! I HOPE I DO! although I have found a new passion that has been around a little while but that I have rediscoverd. The Nintendo DS Lite what a wonderful little invention I had no idea that it was possible to do so many things with this little console. Between all the games and the internet connectivity it's almost as useful as a laptop but only 100x more portable. (got to be able to take it with you!) something to be burried with perhaps? I don't know all I do is that I have been off the oxycodone for a month now I miss it like hell and even though I'm feeling better and in alot more control I still miss getting high! But I still can all I have todo is go without my Morphine for 12 hours and boy do I get jamed then! YEEHAA! I'll be blitzed tomorrow night by this time for sure. My next journey is less than a week away and I'm being told that Santa will most likely be bringing me a Nintendo DS Lite or a DSi I don't want the DSi I want the DS Lite if I get the DSi I guess I'll just have to be happy with it but I really want the Lite version. it has a longer battery life and a slew of games both DS and GBA so there are two formats plus all kinds of add ons like a rumble pak etc. I have a feeling this is going to be a good christmas I hope I get the Lite and not the i oh hell enough bitching for now good thing noone reads this crap! |
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11/17/2009 - Feeling alright
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I'm not sure why but today seems to be a good day. I'm so used to bitching and feeling like shit that I don't know how to cope with the way I'm feeling right now. My captors are trying to take good care of me and I know I can leave at any time although if I do it will be a disaster! So for now here I stay even though I know it's for the best there is still a part of me that feels trapped and alone! I spoke with my girlfriend on the telepone (girlfriend? WHAT?) for about 20 minutes and all it did was make me feel worse like I was even more trapped she's so far away and I'm here supposed to be focusing on getting better but I'm distressed that I'm not sicker and I want to be. That is just plain sick in and of itself! I don't want sympathy from anyone I just want a doctor to tell me that the end of my suffering is near and that I have a way off this planet without having to resort to self inflicted physical violence! I don't want to be here anymore! 42 years is far to long for anyone to suffer as much as I have I don't have a single laugh line anywhere on my face because I have been miserable my whole life! I never smile or laugh, I never have anything to smile or laugh about and though my captors are trying their damndest to bring that out in me it just isn't working and every day is an excersicse in futility! I just want to be dead God don't you underdstand that?! |
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11/16/2009 - I want to go home!
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I want to go home! I have never been better off and never been more miserable in my whole life! The people taking care of me are doing a wonderful job I am well fed, well clothed and have a comfortable place to lay my head at night. But I am still miserable because I am not on my own I can't smoke, drink or do any of those fun mess your mind up things I used to take for granted! Now they are all gone and I'm dying! My spirit feels like a dried out rose witherd and dead! I wish I could pack up and go home to my girlfriend and my job and those Friday night Gook food and hard booze runs I used to make! I could play my guitar as loud as I pleased and no one gave me any shit! Here I'm lucky if I get the chance to strum even one chord before I lose interest and put the foolish thing down. I'm dying of boredom! I love you people who are taking care of me but you are robing me of self and I don't know how much more I can take before I commit suicide! Good thing no one reads this shit! |
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11/15/2009 - Big Day Big Whoop!
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Today was a big whoop! My captor (I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome) took me to the local hobby shop today to get me paint for my latest model car project! then I came home and ordered the game MYST (from Broderbund) and the Official Strategey Guide for the game YAHOO!!! at least in a short time boredom will be a thing of the past! I just spent the last of my money and now I can't even get drunk if I want to! Wahhhh!!!!! but it's o.k. I have more money comming shortly! at least I have double my dose for the morning time so I can get reasonably high! I will be all alone tomorrow so I can do what I want Yea!!! I wish I had enough for a pack of smokes I did have enough a little while ago but I spent the money foolishly as usual! Oh Hell! Good thing no one reads this slop! GNFN! |
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11/14/2009 - Captivity: Day 42
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Tonight I sit here thinking I was going to feel better by doubling up on my meds but I find I feel no better at all! I guess it's good like I said in the last entry that no one bothers to read this but it is some what thereputic none the less for me to be able to bitch to the world even if the world isn't listening! I wish someone were reading this though, I would love to be able to talk to someone else that's in the same or similar situation as myself trapped far from home and not being able to do a damn thing about it, being an adult but being treated like a child, being addicted but still in pain. How does an obese person lose weight and still survive? you need food to live but the food is killing you, you can't quit eating or you die but if you continue to eat you will die. It's the same with me, constant chronic pain, but the painkillers are addictive. If I continue to take the medication I will be addicted and eventually overdose, if I don't take the medication I will become gravly ill and die of possible suicide from major depression because of the pain. All the tests are inconclusive and the doctors' don't know what to do with me. I can't help but feel I'm better off dead! "Why hast thou forsaken me my Lord?" (is that laughter I hear?) |
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11/13/2009 - Captivity: Day 41
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These people are trying to make my life better and I'm growing more miserable by the day. I cry almost constantly now which is apalling for a 43 year old man. Got to stay inside that man box no emtion now big guy! Hell I'd like to know who made up these damnable rules in the first place and buy him a beer then knock him out! Guess it's a good thing no one bothers to read this slop huh? The only good news I've had came in the form of a phone call from my eldest she's become a published fiction writer. Someday I'll have to hit her up for some cash! The only good thing that ever came out of me, my eldest, God didn't give me the cancer quick enough though. I'd rather have none than a published writer. Guess I'm going to shut up now like I said before good thing no one reads this! |
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10/18/2009 - Daily Update
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Sunday the 18th I've been away from the east coast for 15 days now, this little village is so quaint and peacefull. It's taking some time to get used to the way things are done and I'm screwing up and pissing people off at least once a day. There was a time when I had my fate in my own hands and I foolishly threw it away that was 20 some odd years ago I should have stepped off the planet back in 1990 but I let the doctors' take over and now I find myself wishing I could go back and do it all over again! But unfortunately life does not come with a rewind button, only fast forward! But the fast forward button is not always accessable! I'm listing to Black Sabbath doing "Die Young" and wishing I could be that guy! I'm so sick of being depressed! I've been through every class of anti-depressants on the market and every single one of them has only made me worse! What I wouldn't give for another cancer patient to talk to! If there is any body out there who shares my story and has had the time to read these words and has any kind words of support to offer I sure could use the help. You can contact me at rcellsjr@yahoo.com For now I guess there's nothing left to do but to try and cope to the best of my ability. although it's not easy and there are always external forces at work trying to sabotage that which I work so hard to achieve! Well enough bellyaching for now I guess I'll hang up my deathrobes and go to bed! |
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10/16/2009 - Continuation of a tragic tale
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Time for the continuation of a tragic tale, a tale of cancer and suffering. So like I last said I had spent eight years drinking, drugging and basically trying to take my own life when perchance I met a woman. Who would want to put up with such a wretch was beyond me but I guess this woman must have felt sorry for me or something. We started dating and things quickly blossomed up and out. My first motorcycle, a 1982 Kawasaki 440 LTD had gotten run over by a drunk in a Caddy Coupe' DeVille so my new girlfriend introduced me to her friend Mike who as it turns out had a custom Kawasaki for sale! Jackpot! This bike was the nuts! Pearl Black and Chrome! my new best friend! I began to travel long and hard and it wasn't long before I began to feel that my present living arangment was not condusive to my recovery so my new girlfriend suggested we get a place together. I quickly took her up on the offer wanting nothing more than to get away from the drugs and the booze! so we got moved in together and for the first month it was hell! I would wake up in the middle of the night panting and sweating from some of the nastiest drug dreams I have ever had! but after a short time they subsided and I began to feel better unfortunately for me as I began to come around to the sober way of thinking it was apparent that my relationship with my girlfriend was going to go sour and that right soon! So I enroled in a local echnical school and decided to try to become a PC Technician. I studied hard and lo and behold.... I graduated with a 3.8 g.p.a. I was on my way baby! so things with my girlfriend went from bad to worse and one day as I was coming home from my night of classes there on the front porch were all her friends, yes folks it was time for yours truly to pick up stakes once again and move on! So move on I did and to another temporary home whe I was allowed to finish school and once again the axe fell and I was forced to move once again! This time it was to a rooming house and I felt comfortable for a short while I got my first job as an M.I.S. Technician working in Boston MA. for a prestigious U.K. Based furniture and clothing company. Office politics and bikers do not go hand in hand so off to the next job I went. I became a bench tech, the one thing in school they warned us against but the fit was perfect! Yes folks I had come into my own finally! I was still drawing disability and working part time I had a new girlfriend, actually we had known each other for quite some time and she was married when we first met so nothing ever happened but in the summer of 1997 I perchance heard that her husband had died and that she could be mine so we decided to give it a shot. and for the next five years things went swimmingly! We had it all a nice home with a pool, a car, I had a motorcycle we had money all the time we went out to eat at least once a week and the bills were always current never in arrears! But like the man says "All good things must come to an end" I was working for another high end company this time I really had thought that I'd made it I was making more than 40k a year when the bottom dropped out, when the money dried up so did the romance. My girl and I began fighting all the time and in the summer of 2001 we decided to call it quits I got the house she got the car and the cash. And back to the drugs I went, collecting un-employment and working as a cabbie nights. Oxycontin was my very best friend! I continued to go that route for the better part of the next 4 years, until I couldn't afford the drugs anymore. Tired of being dopesick in the summer of 2005 I enroled in a drug treatment program for opiate dependancy and for a very short time I was whacked every day on Methadone, that was until my tollerance for the drugs kicked in and I tried so desprately to get high in other ways I started doing downers and found that combined with the Methadone I got just the buzz I was looking for! I met another married woman and she fell in love with me although I refused to let myself fall in love with her! I knew better, there's nothing worse than being hooked on drugs and emotionally distraught over a woman at the same time! So I'd been cancer free for the better part of 19 years when I decided to get off the Methadone clinic and with the help of my new girlfriend I walked off and she fed me percocet for the better part of a year. After getting off the Methadone I figured the Percocet would be a breeze but I began to feel that old familiar pain and off to the doctor I went once again and to no one's surprise I once again have cancer! I told my girlfriend I was leaving her and the big city and don't you know it the day before I left the local police showed up at my door ready to charge me with rape! Yes folks she cried rape and now that brings us to the present day. I am here in the little village far from the big city but my ex-girlfriend is still trying to make my life a living hell but little does she know my time here is short and I will never see jail time! Thanx for listening to my story from here on in it will be just updates leading to my death day party and all are invited to that! |
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10/15/2009 - The Beginning
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I don't know as anyone would want to read this but what the hell, thought I might try someting new. I've recently been transplanted from the big city to the little village, fulfilling a promise that was made by my aunt to my father I let myself be whisked away. Much has changed, much has remained the same. I quit smoking without quit smoking aids but my mindset is unchanged. I have battled with cancer for most if not all of my adult life. It started in the summer of 1988. My daughter was 8 months old and I was working for a printing company in Somerville, MA. I was experiencing severe pain south of the border, I went to my doctor and he told me I had testicular cancer and that the left jewel needed to come out right away! so in for the operation I went. another year went by, I was living on the streets at this time and my soon to be ex-wife found me and decided this was no way for me to have to live, so, using her own money she got me a room in a rooming house and helped me find a job, this all lasted for about eight months. I remember telling her the day I moved in that something very bad was going to happen to me while I was living there, she told me I was just being paranoid. Then, in the winter of 1989 I was here in Shelburne Falls visiting my aunt for Christmas when once again I began feeling unbareable pain, this time in my lower back, I was eating doan's back pain pills like candy and upon my arrival home to Malden, MA. I began to get feverish. I went to the E.R. and explained to them that I had a history of cancer and thought I was sick again, the E.R. doctor sent me home with a scritp of anti-biotics. 24 hours later I was back only this time more insistant about my medical history. The doctors put me in for a CAT Scan and lo and behold! I was transported upstairs to the surgical suite where I underwent a liver biopsy, then it was up to a private room. About an hour later I met the man who would save my life, Dr. Roberto Mattii. He told me that there were several large lesions on my liver that were malignant. Oh the horror! I asked him what my chances for survival were and all I got was a shrug of the shoulders! Then again came the pain, I used to wonder what the term "exquisite pain" meant, now I know. Such pain shouldn't be felt by any human being ever! But pain there was! Pain so severe that they had to knock me out so I would stop screaming! Hell of a way for one to spend a 21st. birthday. While all of my friends were out partying I was laid up flat on my back doped to the gills on Morphine! I had very few visitors and the depression was bad but it was nothing compared to what lay ahead! The next day I visited by Dr. Mattii again and he told me that they were going to start chemotherapy on me, I had heard all the usual horror stories about vomiting and hair loss, the doctor told me that not everyone gets sick so I agreed to let them plug me in. The worst was still yet to come! Before the treatment was to commence I got a visit from my estranged wife, she came bearing gifts, divorce papers! I signed them and then I had security remove her from my room! Then the chemo started, people believe all the horror stories about this type of cancer treatment, I am here to bear witness that all of them are true!!! This was without a doubt the worst thing that has ever happened to me! I began vomiting after 24 hours and after seven days I was bald from the top of my head to the top of my feet! not on strand of hair remained! I also lost one hunderd and ten pounds leveling off at ninety five pounds soaking wet at 5'-8" tall skeletal to say the least, as I lay there in the hospital my aunt on my father's side came to visit me and insisted that I come to live with her so for a short time I lived right here where I am now in the little village of Shelburne Falls I recouped and drove my aunt and uncle (My uncle mostly) crazy and eventually got myself thrown out and was once again homeless. I stayed in a homeless shelter in Somerville, MA. for a while until I was to go in for surgery, and in the summer of 1990 I went in for the first of two radical procedures. The first took my left kidney, the lower lobe of my left lung, and half my left ninth rib. A month later I went in for the second surgery this one took 3/8ths. of my liver and the post surgical pain was so bad that I wound up hooked on Percocet! Eventually I beat the narcotic addiction with the help of booze and pot and cocaine. and for 8 years that was all I did. Drink, smoke grass and snort coke! Well that's the begining, more to come in the not too distant future! |
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