10/14/2010 - Dr. David
Greetings,
My first encounter with a man coming on to me was just amonth after my husband past away. It was my daughter's gynicologist. Both, my husband and i knew him for many years, but only in a profesional way. He delivered all of my daughter's four children. Her first child, I was in the delivery room with her. It was a wonderful experience and he doctor was very professional.
Anyway, after he found out that my husband passed away, he kept asking my daughter and son-in-law why i was not at the hospital. They both told him I was at home and baby sitting the other children. He asked several times. Then when we had to go back for her six week check up, he acted so strange and kept staring, stuttering and became very nervous. My daughter was wondering what was wrong with him and then she knew when he followed us out to the desk and said, "No charge."
He called me, but he seemed very nervous and I was "not" interested. I was still in shock of loosing my husband and i thought, "What is wrong with this guy?" I found out several months later, that he had liked me for a very long time, but he was married and then when his marriage was over, mine was still very strong so he never said anything. But, when Alan died, he just jumped too soon.
Yes, if I had the opportunity "now" I would have very much liked to have gotten to know him a bit better. But, I really never want to ever marry anyone ever again. Why? I am happy with my life as it is and I do not want to be anyone else's wife.... not ever. I loved too much the one I had been married with for most of my life.
Now, after this on-line dating thing.... I am really sure I do not want a relationship.
10/13/2010 - Back, Once Again!
Greetings,
I am back here at Journal home.
I would have been back sooner, but life just got busy. I started a course within a on-line university for journalism and then got caught up in trying to get my life back with some meaning to it. The widows group was a big help, but I still found my self stuck with the thouhts and life style of being married. But my marriage was with a very big void, because my husband died. How can you hang onto a marriage when your best friend, lover and everyday companion is...... gone forever!?
I was given a writing assignment as a column writer for on and off line dating! Who me? I am ice! I have been since I was married and then after my lover, best friend and companion passed away, I really became ice. I was not happy. Why not let me be a food columnist or even sports would have been better than writing about dating! But, I had to do the assignment or I would loose my credits!
I came back to Journal Home to record and write about my findings in this very strange world of dating.
I hope you find it interesting and maybe, even a bit helpful.
1/15/2010 - The Path I Have Finally Chosen
Greetings,
Here it is 1:19 in the morning and I have to get this entry completed.
Where do I start concerning this dreadful day? I guess, all of us have one of those days that nothing seems to go right. Well, this was mine.
Linda is returning from her visit with her sister on Friday. I am to meet her at the airport. She did not sound real happy on the phone and said she would talk to me about it on Friday. I called James and his wife and cancelled plans we had made to go to a dinner theater Friday evening. I can’t be at the airport and dinner all at the same time. Linda’s husband called me and I was really upset with him, because he could care less how she is doing. All he wanted, was to know if she obtained a lawyer yet and if so, who?
This made me realize what path is really right for me to venture upon.
I am going to pour myself into work, writing and my family. I have no intentions of letting another man into my life. Not ever. It seems relationships are just a complicated mess. I don’t have time for the pain of it all. I am so glad, I had someone special in my life, even if it wasn’t a lifetime.
I am sure there are some good men in this world, but why take a risk, a chance, to stumble upon one like Linda has? What a heartbreak!
I told my daughter to STOP trying to set me up with email sites, pushing me to go into a direction I just do not need. Her intentions are good, but if I choose not to socialize with today’s men, well that is my choice. When I went to my email account to send a message to a friend it was filled with replies from lonely men who were looking for their soul-mate, a romantic other, a new wife and whatever else you could ever think possible. After reading a few of them, I just started deleting emails without even opening them. I even got an email from one site she had posted on saying they thought my picture was of Elizabeth Taylor and requesting me to send another one! Wow! That was interesting since it really was and is a picture of me. A Glamour picture, but never the less, a *real* picture of me. I did not even email my friend after all of this mess and I called my daughter instantly. I told her in a very stern, but kind voice to “Knock it Off!” Her good intensions has created me to want to forget about ever having a relationship within my life. Maybe, that is why I took the new assignment at the Laboratory. So I could just poor myself into a world away from personal issues.
I am too old to deal with the dating world of today! (laugh) Really! I am! I may not look my age, but I sure feel it right now. Am I going crazy? No, I am simply looking at the reality of it all. I analyze everything and this just doesn’t have a rational equation for me. Am I ranting? YES!
After the email nightmare, I turned off the phone, and sat with Thunderheart for a while. I had no desire to fix dinner so I had a glass of wine with crackers and cheese. I kept saying to myself, “Relax, calm down, breath!” I have to just breath and get through each day as it comes. I have to continue finding the strength to help me enjoy each new day and to stay on the path I have chosen for myself. I need to make sure I stay on this path and not stray off of it.
I need to bring down the Moon, cup it in the palms of my hands, and wish upon a star, that everyone I hold dear to me will have happiness, peace and all that they hope for within their lives…. will come about. Maybe, I should choose a wishing star for myself too. I just do not know what to wish for.
Maybe, tomorrow’s entry will be on a much better topic. I hope for your sake, it is!
1/14/2010 - Precious Stones of Love and Friendship
Greetings,
This has been a very stressful day.
I went back to the Laboratory with an assignment as huge as Canada! They had been working on this environmental issue for several months, then called me. I have to get everything in order in just three weeks! Are they crazy? This hasn’t left me with much time to spare.
I usually email back and forth with a friend each day, but now I get back too late and all I have time to do is leave an email, knowing they will get it the following evening.
When I got home this evening, I kicked off my heels and with the file folder still in my hand, relaxed by the fireplace . My thoughts went from the disaster I had to deal with from the laboratory, to my beautiful bowl of stones, my oldest grandson had given me over the years. I glanced over to where it sat on a sparkling, glass table. The stone he had given me last night, still sat on the table next to the bowl. I smiled as I looked at it.
“Its purple Grandmother. I painted it purple, at school, just for you. We were reading a story about a stone called Amethyst. It reminded me of you.” He was so excited when he handed it to me.
That bowl of stones are a collection of his love, friendship and admiration for me. What I have done to deserve it, is way beyond me.
We have done many things together and the list would make many people wonder what type of grandmother I am, but I am just me and I love to make life a bit special with just a touch of magical tendencies, like a marvelous fairy tale.
The first book I ever purchased for him was called, “Talking To The Moon”. When he was old enough, I would take him outside to gaze at the moon, make a wish on a star and to tell me everything he was thankful for.
The first rock he ever gave me was when he was three years old. I took him to a park where they had imagines made out of rocks. He was fascinated with them. On our way back to the car, he picked up a stone and handed it to me without any words spoken. Once we returned home, we dated the back of it and put it into a large crystal bowl. Since that day, he has given me more than one hundred stones. Some he has painted. Some he has written a word and others are just plain in their natural beauty, but they all have the date he gave them to me, on the back side of each stone. I plan on giving him that bowl of stones on his wedding day.
I stopped thinking about the bowl of stones and made my way to the kitchen. I needed to brew a pot of coffee, light a candle, emerge in the Jacuzzi and just relax. The file from the laboratory would just have to wait.
It is now 2:30 in the morning. I wrote a quick message to my email friend. I finished the notes for the Lab and plan of action. I did my writing assignment and posted it and I am finishing this journal entry.
I have so much on my mind that I don’t even know if I can sleep or not. I have to try. I look like Medusa as it is in the mornings! I certainly do not want to look any worse than that. Without sleep, anything can happen. (laugh)
Good night.
May your stars always shine brightly and twinkle forever!
Thank You, SilverWind, for your visits.
1/12/2010 - The Massive, Beautiful Tree
Greetings,
I just lost a good friend. A tree! I know that sounds strange, but it was a very special tree to me.
The first day I saw it, I was impressed with how beautiful it was as it streatched its branches towards the clouds.
I guess, I missed a day writing in this journal. I have been quite busy and an overload of activities that had to be accounted for.
My beloved tree fell this week. Why do I call it my *beloved* tree? Well, it shared a lot within my life. What did we share? We had many picnics together. It gave shade on hot summer days. It was a comfort to me when I just needed to think.
I will never forget the time my grandson decided we would take turns hugging it. It was a glorious day! A day I won’t forget. The warmth from that old tree was amazing when I wrapped my arms around it. Little Alan, could hold back from screaming in delight of it all.
We made many of wishes, by placing pennies in its crevices. “Now, close your eyes tightly, Grandmother. Make a wish, open your eyes and gently place the penny in its special place.” I would hear him Whisper to me. He has always used very good language and speaks like a little adult.
I remember one time, I had gotten onto him for telling a lie. He simply looked at me, with his hands on his hips and said, “I am not lying, Grandmother! I am talking.” I just stood in awe for a few seconds, because he was talking, but it was a lie too.
The tree just fell over from the roots and left a huge hole, not only in the ground, but in our lives too.
1/11/2010 - Fate; The Three Fates
Greetings,
A friend of mine and myself have used the word *fate* a lot lately. I used the word, *fate* lightly within one of my emails to them. Then, it dawned on me, what I was really saying. I had sent them the mythical concept of it and how it really relates to “three fates”. It was fine to see how they seemed to want to hide, dodge and even run from fate, but as a friend, viewing their reasons within my mind, I did not feel this was a right decision on their part. But, who was I to tell them that?
Do I believe in fate? I do believe in fate, now that I look back over my life. But, I also know, we can tell fate to go jump, because we have no intention of following up on the “fate” that may come our way.
The three fates, as I see it mainly relates to females, the maiden, mother and then crone. Those are the stages of a woman’s life per say. We come to each of these three fates sometime within our lifetime. But, the fate I am writing about today, has nothing to do with this concept and nothing to do with the Greek mythology either.
I do believe that there are just some things in our life, that is just meant to be and I do feel it is called fate. We can turn from it. We can deny it and we can take steps to not even acknowledge it, but that does not mean fate did not tap into our life.
Why would someone turn their back on something that apparently was meant to be? Are we foolish enough to look *fate* in the face and say, “Go away!” Yes, because we do have a free will and sometimes fate brings things into our lives that we refuse to have or even want. Along with the wonderful things fate can bring into your life, it can also bring what we do not find desirable, as well. Why? It is called *life* and who we are.
Example:
Fate delivered a brand new car to two people who really wanted the car.
The first one to get the car was excited and loved it. Wow, I finally got the car of my dreams. They drive it everyday, they show it off. After ten years it is parked in their back yard, rusted, dirty and never thought of again.
The second one to get the car was excited and loved it. Wow, I finally got the car of my dreams. They drive it everyday. They showed it off to everyone. They cleaned and polished it whenever possible. They loved that car! Ten years latter it is sitting in their garage and it looks just like it did the day fate helped them get it.
Fate may bring something into our lives, but it is our final decision on how we use what it has brought our way, to determine if it was good fate or bad fate. I have never thought fate brought a bad car, a bad situation or even a bad person our way. It is we, who determine the end results of fate!
We can blame fate for all of the bad things that come within our lives. We can also give fate, the reason for all of the wonderful things that come into our lives. Fate brings the oportunities. It is up to us.... how to use what fate brings.
The conclusion to all of this is that my friend was right. Run from fate! Why take chances. Live our lives the way we choose to live them and hope *fate* will bring to us what we truly want and when we want it.
1/9/2010 - Why Me?
Why does change happen to me?
Have you ever found yourself in a position where your life is changing and you seem to have lost control? Your world was moving along as you expected and suggested it would but then something happened and before you knew it the direction you worked so hard in promoting simply faded from view. You looked upon a new landscape perhaps even one you feared but nevertheless you saw new terrain where yesterday familiar scenery was seen.
What caused such a change in your life? Was it the change in seasons or perhaps you just had an ‘important’ birthday that made you begin to observe your life in general? Or could it be just another day full of the usual surprises yet different in some sort of important way? I recently underwent such a change in my life. Daily stress and worry are almost unheard of but at times something comes along to ‘mix things up’. It seems that when you least expect change to occur it sits looking directly at you and causes you to focus your attention on your present life.
The strange thing about change is that when you sense such movement if you are aware enough you will look over the past few years of your life and see the seeds of transformation occurred well before your conscious mind recognized its presence. A clear path can be followed from beginning to the present moment and you wonder why it took you so long to see your new found life.
I have always noticed a continuity to my life as I look back over my shoulder at my past paths taken. Each event followed another event which followed another event and so on. Each was a small miracle or awakening. When strung out seem so unlogical and some very precise.
Why Me? “Why Me!” is the quotation that can be heard in echoes of every person on earth. Why me sums up your lack of observance and let you know you were sleeping as to your life’s direction. Why me signals the need for awakening your inner soul space to the reality of your present world and by just awakening will allow you to see the why and how of that particular moment.
Once you notice that shift in your life what do you do then? Do you shake and quake at the thought of a new direction or do you embrace it fully and move in its direction? For me, I’ve felt both emotions at times but have trained myself to be accepting of such change and to allow it to flow into my world naturally. Those that become rigid and stop their evolution are the ones who become disillusioned and blame God, Spirit, anyone or anything for their failings in life.
So, what to do? Ah, that is the question of a lifetime.
Just as you get out of bed one foot at a time you have to experience life one experience after the other. Life is to be lived not ignored and will give you such gifts that your head will swim in delight. That is, only if you are aware.
Once I decided to take one step forwaard, look around at life, my life...... I knew I was on a differnt path of discovery. I may not have chosen it for myself, but it was given to me to explore, to see it and to experience it. I call it life.
1/8/2010 - My Thoughts on The Subject of Friendship
Greetings,
This is just my thoughts concerning friendship.
“True friendship is seen through the heart not through the eyes.”
Friendship is one of those parts of life that we at times take for granted. It rolls off of our tongues as if we expect it to be present in all areas of our lives. I hear our ‘friendship is forever’ or ‘friends always’ is a common thread that runs through our lives. But in truth how many true friendships do you have? Think for a moment and list those you feel are true friends and those with which you have a close relationship. Are they true friends? Is their friendship from the heart? How many people do you truly see as friends?
“Friendship is a living thing that lasts only as long as it is nourished with kindness, empathy and understanding.”
Friendship is a gift that two people give to each other. It is not an expected result of meeting but a true and unanticipated gift of enormous potential. True friends form a special connection that will weather any storm. True friends understand being human and give the other room to grow. True friends are there even when they are not expected to be present. True friends know and cherish each other’s gift.
“Friendship is love with understanding.”
Friendship is a path of unrelenting compassion. It is a view of life that encompasses not just your life but the life of the other. It is a special bond that is created out of genuine affection and is given freely to those who have shown their truth. It is given without the thought of reward but with the essence of the heart which longs for this special connection.
When I read this, I could not help but mention it here in this journal.
“Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence.” Sydney Smith (1771 - 1845)
When friendship comes from the heart it forms a link to our soul that cannot be broken. It connects so strongly that even death does not sever the cord. That type of friendship exists forever in the realm of wonder for true friendship is genuinely a wondrous thing. It connects the physical with the spiritual and creates an energy that is impossible to describe.
“False friendship, like the ivy, decays and ruins the walls it embraces; but true friendship gives new life and animation to the object it supports.” by Richard Burton
Friendship brings light into your world for it gives you the missing link to your soul. It provides a passageway from one heart to another and allows the transference of peace and solitude. Friendship gives and receives all that your innermost spirit desires for within friendship you will discover the true essence of love.
"The best mirror is an old friend.” by George Herbert, 1651
When you look at your true friends you will uncover who you are. You will see a reflection of your soul and will in turn become educated in the pathway you follow. You will see your world before you and will see without any doubts the truth of your way. You see true friends are simply your self in disguise. By uncovering that disguise you see before your eyes the world you created and the being your have become.
“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.” by Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC), from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers
By understanding the true value of a friend you begin to see the importance of looking at the reflection they provide and peering into the life you lead. You will see all the gifts you bring into the world as well as any shortcoming you may possess. You will also become a witness to the beauty, wonder, and peace that you give to the world and understand your contribution to the ongoing discoveries you will make.
“Remember, the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree, but in the hearts of true friends.” by Cindy Lew
Think of your true friends and be grateful for the gifts they bring to your life. Allow your hearts to connect and bring comfort to each other. Expand your world by seeing through their eyes. Give them your love in return for each friend you have is an unearned gift that should be accepted with grace and thankfulness.
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
by Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)
After I did a research paper for my class on friendship and what so many others had to say on the subject, I realized friendship is very special and I suppose, I always felt the way I have written about it in this journal today. I just did not give it much thought to express what or how I felt about it before this entry.
If you have friendship a relationship will last a lifetime. Without it....
Note:
I had to add this. It was sent by SilverWind
The ancient Celts had a concept known as Anam Cara which translates to soul friend. Celtic spirituality taught that the human soul hovers around the body like a vibrant halo, and anam cara is what results when two souls flow together. It is believed that the potential for such a relationship exists before time and is aroused when kindred spirits find each other. Once this friendship is awakened it cannot be broken by time or space. An anam cara accepts you for who you are and in doing so helps you to give birth to your own soul.
1/7/2010 - The Ghost
Greetings,
I have an interesting true story I want to share. If you have been reading this journal, then you will understand the full meaning of it.
Alan died on a Tuesday afternoon and just that morning, out of the blue, he blurted out, “No matter what happens, promise me you will teach your class this Sunday.” I thought it was an odd request, and promptly said, “Sure, but nothing is going to happen, is it?” He gave me the strangest look, put his hand out to me and slightly smiled. “Of course not. But, I still want you to have classes on Sunday, no matter what.” I squeezed his hand, “I have no intentions of cancelling the class, not for any reason.” Two hours latter, he had died.
It was the hardest thing I had ever done, was to teach that class on the following Sunday. I almost cancelled the classes, but I kept hearing his words of, “No matter what, teach on Sunday.”
When I got to class, one of my new students pulled me aside and asked if I would like to go to a play that her son was performing in. She was excited and said it would be the following Saturday evening. I just looked at her for a long moment and then I said I would love too. When I returned home, I called my daughter and told her about the play. She thought it was a wonderful idea, but wondered why I accepted. I had no idea why I agreed, because I really was an emotional mess and I had not been to a play in years. It wasn’t my choice of activities. I asked Starla if she would go with me and there really was no need to ask, because at this point she wasn’t letting me out of her site.
On Tuesday, Starla brought me a locket. It was very special, because it had a piece of Alan’s hair within it’s hidden compartment. When the sun or light of any kind came into contact with the locket, a bright ray of light came from its silvery, middle. It was simply beautiful!
On Wednesday, a friend of mine and also a student, called and said she had the strangest dream. She did not know about the locket, but she apparently had a dream about it. She said we were at a theater of some sort. Huge Navy Blue, velvet drapes were in front of us as, we sat in some sort of seats you only see at the movie theater. She noticed a ray of light dancing on the left side of the drapes. She wondered where the light was coming from. She looked everywhere and when she turned to me, she noticed it was coming from a locket I was warring. There was a golden topaz in it’s center and the light was radiating from it. She had the feeling within her dream that something was about to be reviled and then she woke up. I told her that just yesterday, Starla had given me a locket, but it did not have a stone in its center. We both thought the dream was odd, because first of all, she doesn’t usually dream and second of all, she had no idea I had a locket. she certainly knew about the locket now.
Thursday, I received Alan’s instructions to go through a large chest he had stored in our walk-in closet. I had never known what was in this chest other than it had his baby book and few other keepsake items. When I began going through it, I found an old cassette tape by a group called the “Who”. Who were the “Who’s”? I wondered. Alan had never listen to this group as long as I knew him. When I listened to it, I could not believe he had this tape, because he never liked that type of music as far as I ever knew either. How strange! I told Starla about it and she just giggled and said, “So there was something you never knew about him. How funny, mother!” I just felt it was so very odd.
Saturday evening, we arrived a few minutes early for the play. Lexia gave us a tour of the college and then escorted us to our reserved seats. Once I got settled, my eyes drifted on the navy blue, velvet drapes covering the stage. Karen’s dream came to my mind as I sat staring at those drapes, oblivious to the conversation around me.
Then a young woman came in dancing. She walked up to Starla and said, “I just can’t help from dancing.” as she twirled around and shaking her hips. She then told Starla a joke. Starla did not even know her, but thought her joke was amusing. This young woman was with her mother too and her mother was shocked that she had just told a joke. “You never tell jokes! What is happening to you?” The young woman had no idea what came over her. She told Starla it was true, she never told jokes and was surprised she even remembered the joke in the first place. She then blurted out, “I just love the Who’s! Don’t you?” Starla grabbed up the paper they had given us at the door. She was in total disbelief. On the cover was a picture of Tommy (the main singer with the group of the Who’s) Starla grabbed my arm, whispering, “Mother! Mother are you listening to me? Look at this! Something is going on here!” I looked at the huge print of the Who’s plastered across the cover. Then the lights went dim, and a movie screen appeared on the right side of the drapes. The year 1945 flashed across the screen.
I sat staring, while Starla said, “Oh, my gosh! That is the year dad was born!” Then as quickly at it appeared, it disappeared and the drapes opened to a man saying in a very emotional tone:
“Because of you, I could climb the mountains. Because of you, I could love. Because of you, I was healed. Because of you, I could do anything. Because of you, I loved life. Because of you, I was complete.”
Starla put her arms around me as I sat stunned, with tears building and ready to stream down my face. Those were the exact words Alan had written to me in a letter, posted on our refrigerator just a few months before he died. The only other person than myself who knew about that letter was Starla. It was a total shock to hear those words.
Somehow, Alan was able to cross over into a dimension to give me a confirmation of not only how he felt, but that he did not die.
Other things began to happen. We would hear him getting up from his recliner and walk towards the landing. We would get whiffs of his cologne just for an instant while we were just chatting. A door that never opened on its own, was now being “blown” open with great force during the night. It would wake me up and I would go investigate what was going on, just to find the door open. It was the door to his office located in our home.
Finally, I told him I was alright. He could go on. I would miss him, but I would be just fine. Please do not worry any longer about me. The next day, everything stopped until …..
Two days before my grand-daughter was born, Starla took a picture at my house. It had something very unusual in it. It had Alan standing in our room in a white, Smokey fog. I whispered to myself when I saw it, “I thought you moved on? Are you still worried about me? Why are you still here?” I was so concerned that I, somehow was hanging onto him and making him stay.
Nothing more happened and then Raven LaFaye, my grand-daughter was born, on my birthday. She adores me and when I am anywhere near her or in the room, she will turn to stare and when I touch her… she continues to stare and then gives me just the faintest smile. She is only six months old and it will be interesting when she begins to talk. Starla is amazed at how Raven LaFaye reacts to me. To be honest, I am a bit perplexed by it too. But, I have not mentioned my thoughts to Starla in fear she will think I am nuts.
Dear Mr. Alan, I do not think you will like being a female, but I wish you happiness, friendship and most of all …. true love in your days ahead of you. You know I am here, if you ever need me, until it is my turn to cross over. You better not follow me when that time comes! You will still be very young and a whole new life of your very own.
Added Notes: The topez is a stone of the sun. (Alan loved Summer and the heat of the sun.) It is also a stone for Leo. (Alan was a Leo.)
Lexia, was horrified that she asked me to see a play with my husband just passing over. She had no idea what came over her. Even to this day, she wonders why she spoke without thinking.
Raven Lafaye was not scheduled to be born until two weeks before my birthday. They were going to induce labor, but her doctor was mysteriously out of town for a family emergency. Then on the morning on May 26th, Starla went into labor. That afternoon I received a phone call. "Happy birthday mother! You have a Grand-daughter."
The tape of the "who's" was so old that no one thought it would be able to play. They were right. The only song that came through was one about "Loving each moment of their life even if with physical pain." This answered one of my questions about Alan. Did he really enjoyed the past two years of his life, with all of the pain he had endured?
Raven LaFaye holds her left leg in a fold, when she sits. Alan favored siting the same as she is doing now. She is very sinsitive with her right ankle and does not like it touched. After Alan came home from the hospital, he favored his right ankle too.
Nothing else has happened since Raven LaFaye was born. Also, Alan loved to share jokes with most everyone. Alan must be gone, or is he?
1/6/2010 - What A Day and Cryptosporidium
Greetings,
The day started out with more snow, sunshine and a restful, nights sleep. Yes, I finally slept all night and I am thankful for that. I felt better than I have in a long time.
Then, I received a call from my son-in-law, Josh and it put a gloom over the rest of the morning. Someone hit the side of their car! Thankfully, no one was hurt, but their car looks pretty bad. As Josh put it, "We were T-boned!" Josh is a very nice person and really felt sorry for the young man who lost control of his car on the ice, while going down a hill towards the highway. Sadly, Josh and Starla were on the highway just as he started sliding. If he had not hit their car, he would have went right over a thirty foot drop, over the bluff.
As soon as the weather and roads become clear, I have to go to the laboratory. They are having a few problems and asked if I would stop by. I took a deep breath and agreed. I have been dreading the thought of going back and seeing everyone.
Now, that phone call finally arrived. The funny thing is that I am ready to go back and see those familiar faces. Alan and I liked everyone there and they adored Alan. He worked around them more than I did. I was always in the office and only in the laboratory while doing assigned investigating. So, my face wasn't as familiar. Alan treated everyone with respect, as if each and everyone of them were the owners of the laboratory. He would stop and tell them a joke or even ask how their family was doing. They always felt honored that he would stop and talk with them, since he held a very important position. He was just simply one of them, as he said, "We are people who work together to make everything work. Each one of us has a very important part, to make it all come about in the right way.”
The laboratory is a very unique facility. We deal with doctors, scientists and chemists from Germany, France, Canada and the United States for environmental issues concerning cancer. We work with Doctors when a patient is diagnosed with cancer. A lot of times we are sent samples of their environmental water and earth, to determine if they have such high quantities of nitrates and other cancer causing environmental elements within it. It is more so requested when the patient is a child. We also compare notes, studies, and conclusions with some of the top scientists and chemists around.
Interesting work? Yes it is, but it is heartbreaking when we find a child has been inflicted with cancer, because the nitrate levels in their drinking water was above legal specifications, or anyone for that matter. If it is a private well, water supply, nothing can be done, other than educate them about their water source. If it happens to be city supplied water, that’s where I step in and I do not play around with the cities who cover up or neglect the issue. But it isn't always just about nitrates. If a city provides above ground water resources then cryptosporidium can be in the drinking water.
Several years ago, in 1993 there was a cryptosporidium out break in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and it was the largest outbreak in history that has ever been documented, over 100 people died from the contamination. The sad part of it all was how they tried to hide it from the public, even when thousands became sick. I could not believe what I was reading when they dropped the papers on my desk and said, "Your next assignment." Alan and I worked months on this. Him doing testing after testing and myself presenting evidence and conclusions for the proper connections to get Milwaukee to inform the public of what was happening.
I remember being at the official meeting and becoming angry over their procrastinating with the issue. People's health and lives were on the line and what was being discussed was the politics of the problem.
I stood up, put my hands on their huge, mahogony desk and flatly stated, "You have less than twenty-four hours to make your announcement to the public. If you don't make the announcement, I will contact EPA with a copy of our testing reports and a list of your names, with the information of the possibility of a damn cover-up to the public." I then walked out. I have never had a case that big before or after. The only thing I regret saying during that meeting, was using the word damn. I simple do not cuss. (laugh) I guess, it is true about there being a time for everything. This was my time.... to cuss.
Alan and I had a lot to celebrate when this "assignment” was over. Together, we accomplished something else. Something that was a sharing of hard work, time and an accomplishment of helping others.
I will go to the laboratory. I will walk through the door just like so many other times, but this time alone....... without Alan.
I will be fine. I will be "me" once again. I will continue with the life I was left with and I will make the very best of what is left of it.
I have to trust that the Keeper of The Stars knows and has my path already drafted for me.
You won't believe what I plan on writing about tomorrow!
1/5/2010 - The Path Chosen?
Greetings,
I really wish I could say I have decided on which direction to take, but I haven't. I have been pressured from all directions to make a choice or choices. I just have never jumped without thinking, anytime in my life. I am not going to start now.
I am no longer an emotional mess over my loss. I do not sit in a limbo state either. I have no intensions of reliving everything over and over again, regardless if everyone is concerned I will.
I acknowledge everything in the beginning of this journal, thanks to Mr. Henderson and his "horrible" assignment. As far as I know, I have to continue writing this blog, so I might as well start looking at it as an adventure, like I had in the very beginning.
My day really did not start out too well. The coffee pot decided to stop working! Can you imagine starting a day without coffee? The roads were too bad to even get out to go to a local coffee shop, let alone to go purchase a new coffee pot. I did find a way to get a cup of coffee and I was more than grateful! (laugh)
My daughter was able to come over for dinner this evening. Thankfully, she had a four-wheel drive vehicle, or she would have never made it with all of the snow we have. We had a nice dinner and visit.
After she left, I just put in a Carly Simon cd, sat back and relaxed by the fireplace. It was a quiet evening with just Thunderheart sleeping by my feet. I felt content with the moment, until the phone rang and it was someone I really did not want to hear their voice on the other end. It was Mark. He just does not understand I do not want him as a part of my life. I never have and I never will. He is not bad looking. He is just in love with himself and thinks everyone else is too. He is a good lawyer, if you ever need one.
I told him I was sure there were plenty of woman who wanted to share their life with him. I just wasn't one of them! I am not interested. Please do not call again. That went over like a lead ballon! He said he would call back in a few weeks! I wonder what is wrong with him? I have never known anyone who was as persistent as him. The picture of him was sent with a buisness letter he had scent last year to my husband and I. Linda thinks Mark is the catch of the century. I am sure glad she wasn't here this evening when he called.
Well, I need to try and get some sleep. I just needed to get this entry done as soon as possible for Mr. Henderson.
Hopefully, I can continue to think of something to write! Maybe, I can write once a month instead of everyday!? I do not have that much going on each and everyday to write about and I really do not want to keep writing about the past.
Good Night.
1/4/2010 - Promise Three
Promise Three:
Never Get Married Again, Unless They Love You, The Way I Have Always Loved You.
That will be a very hard promise to keep and it is one I have not even considered yet. Nor, do I even care to think about right now.
I now understand how people think it is horrible when someone starts dating or even gets re-married for that matter, just months after their spouse passes on. It makes you wonder if they even loved their mate.
Your heart seems to be breaking and you can't think of anyone else. Just what you have lost! You can't sleep from thinking about everything to do with them, your past, your accomplished dreams, future dreams, the building of your lives together. Now that I have experienced this, I can honestly say, they could not have loved their spouse/mate if they can so easily jump right into another relationship.
My husband loved black and white pictures. Probably from working with the newspaper and photography department. This was his career when we married. I could not convince him that colored pictures were great.
You go through so much after they die. Once you get past the shock of it all, you begin to find things that were so important before, become instantly precious. Those little tokens they once gave you that are setting around the house become valuable possessions. Even their tooth-brush is hard for you to let go of. You feel like you are not even yourself anymore and you are not really yourself at all. They are gone. Unfortunantly, memories do not die. They just keep on replaying within your mind like a movie starting over and over again.
Maybe, we should all try to live our lives, so we only have good memories, if someone we love dies. Because if the good memories cause so much pain, I can't imagine what bad memories would have done to me. I can honestly say I never did one thing in our life together, to have ever caused him pain or hurt in anyway. This I am thankful for. No regrets.
It takes months before you are able, or even want to try and snap out of the new world, that has circled around you, with all of its sorrows and demise. Or a way of life you did not choose or ask for. You realize you must move forward. You can't turn your back on those who need you. You have to make an effort to move forward. You slowly make your way back into the world, and actually start existing. You make new friends and you reunite with old. If love knocks on your door, you don't even know it or recongnize it. You don't give it a chance to even get started. But, eventually, you slowly open your eyes and heart, just a bit, to start seeing, hearing, feeling and recognizing those simple emotions once again. You may not want too, but it happens on its own accord.
I am still trying to decide which path to take next in my life. It is not an easy choice. But, I will choose...... someday.
Tomorrow's Entry - The path I have chosen. (Maybe)
1/3/2010 - The Second Promise
Greetings,
I would like to introduce you to Thunderheart. My second Promise.
She was my husband's Siberian Husky. Our daughter and I purchased Thunderheart for my husband's 50th birthday. He loved this dog. She was his furry companion.
Thunderheart was the only dog Alan had ever had. I knew he love this breed and I had no idea what to get him for his birthday. I was determined the perfect gift would be a Siberian Husky. What an amazing surprise gift! Our daughter and I began an endless search for the "perfect" one. It was a good thing that I had thought of it several months before his birthday. What I thought would be an easy gift to find, turned out to not be so easy! Finally, two weeks before the big day, I received a phone call. The Veterinarian informed me they had found a puppy, I would want. Sure enough, she was perfect!
Alan was very surprised and our work began potty training her. It took forever! Alan and I felt we only saw each other as we were coming and going, out the door with his new puppy. After many months of shampooing carpets, throwing books down in the middle of sentences, and jumping out of bed to get her outside quickly, seemed like a never-ending ritual.
She finally became a very well-behaved member of the family. Alan taught her not to only catch a tennis ball, but to throw it back to you. He worked with her to get up on her hind-legs and literally dance including turning in perfect twirls around the room. She would stand on her hind-legs and click her front paws together when she wanted food or water. She was amazing and so was Alan at training her.
Wherever Alan was, Thunderheart was right beside him. The bedroom was off limits, because one night she scared us half to death by jumping completly over the bed. All we saw was this dog flying through the air like a plane, and landing on the floor like a spring, on the other side. That was it! She slept in the living-room after that. I did not spend much time with her. She was defiantly Alan's dog.
I promised to take care of her for the rest of her life. I never thought she would out-live Alan. But she did.
What a hard promise to keep. She mourned his death until she made herself sick. She search room to room looking for him. She would howl constantly for the first few days. My heart was breaking and she was a constant reminder that he was really gone and not coming back. Finally, I found myself comforting her as she comforted me. The howling stopped and she is now sleeping in a corner of my bedroom. She still, ocassional, will look through the house for him, but at least it is no longer constantly.
Thunderheart is now my friend and companion. We share something in common. We both loved the same man and we are trying to help each other get past the fact, he is just gone and never coming back.
1/2/2010 - Another Day of Journaling
Greetings,
Here I go again, another day of trying to think of what to write!
Most of us have several things that happens throughout the day that we could write about. I am no exception to the rule, but for some reason, I just feel drained to day.
These past few days, I have had more to write than normal. When you are writing a novel, you write three to four hours a day and then you are done. But when you find yourself writing a novel, finishing asignments and then trying to keep an online journal, that has to have an entry each day, you get a bit overwhelmed. At least I feel that way.
I finished a new section of the novel this morning and decided, "I'm getting out for a while!" I made a phone call to a friend and said, "Let's spend the day together." They were perplexed by my call, because I had not seen them in years.
It was the best thing I have done in a long time by calling them. It was exactly what I needed to just let my spirit renew itself and have a carefree day. I realized when I woke up this morning, I have to breath, experience and just get back into living.
We found ourselves in a little Victorian town called Eureka Springs. It is in Arkansas and the whole town puts you back into another time. It is enchanting! We did plenty of walking on their old cobblestone sidewalks and had lunch in a quiet, out of the way place. Everywhere we went I saw little signs saying, Love, Live, Hope. I purchased one for my friend and could not resist getting one for myself. I need to hang it where I can see it each and every day, for the rest of my life! I think the day did both of us some good.
When I returned home, I called Linda to see how she was doing. Thankfully, she is much better and is somewhat excited to see her sister. She took my advice and called Jeff. She said he was happy to hear from her and they made arrangments to meet, once she got to Vermont. This was good news!
I finished my call, grabbed my keys and took the solstice out for a long drive. I stopped by a beautiful, green water creek and just sat and watched two blue herrings, with their long slinder legs, hopping from one stone to the next. They had some sort of purposeful reason for their actions. I just could not understand what. Then the thought occured to me, I did not need to know their purpose and I suppose I should be that way within my own life. What my purpose is, is what my purpose is! Simple.
I have always been too serious and as my daughter always tells me, I analyze everything. I do! That is just me. I am not one to throw tantrums, scream, yell and have fits. I simple say what I have to say and its done. Nor, do I need someone to repeat themselves, nag, yell or scream for me to understand what they are telling me. Of course, I will analyze what they say before I make any sort of comment back. That's just the way I am.
1/1/2010 - Information about Me - For The Curious
I am called Sindy by all of my family and friends.
This is really a picture of me. I am NOT Elizabeth Taylor. It was taken a year ago.
I was born in Salem, Oregon on may 26th, 1954.
I was an only child. No brothers and no sisters.
I studied Criminal Law for three years under the Winestine Law office in Davenport, Iowa at the age of 23.
I made a commitment in 1973 - I was married.
I had a daughter in 1981.
I wrote my first novel in 1989
I started working at the Analytical Laboratory as a Legal Assistant in 1991
I wrote a second novel in 1995
I took a leave of absence from the Laboratory in 2006
I stared teaching 62 students, Ancient Religion and Herbology in 2001
Worked for the laboratory from home 2007 to the present time.
My husband passed away in 2009
I am teaching once again and writing.
******************************************
Do you want to chat?
You can go to:
This is where my students, family and friends go to socialize, once in awhile.
1/1/2010 - Promise One
Greetings,
I do not make promises I do not intend to keep, nor wish to keep. That is just me. With that in mind, I just do not "promise" and when I do, people who know me are shocked that I did make that promise.
I made three promises that I have kept, but they were very hard promises to keep. They were promises that tore at my heart. The kind that kept me awake at night, fretting over what I had promised.
Promise One: Take care of the Solstice and never sell it or get rid of it.
What is a Solstice? It is a sports car that looks a lot like a roadster. My husband fell in love with it the first time he saw it advertised in a magazine. It was a car that was not even available to purchase at the time. I had never known him to ever want anything, or ask for anything for himself, in the entire time I knew him. He was instantly obsessed and possessed over this car! Finally, after seeing a picture of it posted on our refrigerator, bathroom mirror, closet door, and on his desk, I asked him why he didn't just order it. I will never forget the look of joy, in his eyes when I casually mentioned it. He did not only order the car, he had it customized to suit his wants. It was going to take the manufacturer ten months to a year to produce it. That was fine with him. The order was placed complete with chrome wheels, leather interior, corvette engine and in the color of mysterious black. Now, all he had to do was wait and take all of those pictures down! All of them were taken down except the one on his desk.
Sadly, he was in a comma when the car arrived. The car was to be delivered to a dealer under a private order tag. They were not allowed to put any of their logos on it. I called and told them the situation. They said they could keep the car and sell it, under the circumstances. Gosh, what was I to do? Alan wanted that car so bad! What if he came out of the comma and I didn't get that car? I would be so upset with myself for disappointing him. I personally did not care for the car.
When I got to the dealer's, they had the car parked in their show room with red rope surrounding it to keep people from touching it. When Mr. Elliot asked what I thought of the car. I told him I did not know, I hadn't seen it yet. He said, "Turn around. It is right there behind you." I took one look and it literally took my breath away.
I instantly understood why Alan fell in love with this car! I had to finance the balance of the car in my name, because Alan was not able to sign the papers. That also meant the car would be in my name. Great, it was his car and now it was going to be in my name only! Oh well, it was better in my name then not having it at all.
I was so scared when I got behind the wheel of this, speed demon, of a little sports car. I think every bone in my body was shaking. My daughter followed me home, to make sure I did not kill myself in it. It was fifty miles from our home and at first I drove as slow as I could get away with on the interstate. Then after about twenty-five miles of driving this way, I opened her up and let her fly. It was amazing and my daughter was laughing when I pulled into the drive. I parked the car and did not get into it again until the day I pick Alan up from the rehabilitation center.
I had a plan. I gathered those pictures of the car he had stashed away and posted them all over his hospital room. Now, all I had to do was wait and hope he would wake up. Each day, I stood by his bed pleading, "Wake up. Open your eyes. Just, please wake up. I miss you."
He only was able to drive this car twice and then it was for only a block or two. It had seven miles on it when it was purchased. When Alan died it had 327 miles on it.
The promise? I have kept his promise, but it was so hard. Every time I looked at that car, the pain in my heart was unbearable. Memories and more memories flooded my vision, each time I looked at it. He never even had a chance to really enjoy his dream car.
He had his last ride in it, when I picked up his ashes. After his funeral, I got into that car, with tears flowing faster than I could wipe them away, and took off flying. I wanted to forget. I wanted to just die myself. I wanted everything to go away. I wanted him back.
I lost control of it and it just kept spinning, as if it took control of itself. Finally, it stopped in the middle of the road without any damage to it or me. I just sat there crying with anger, sadness and shock. A neighbor said the car looked like it had spun six or seven times. "You are lucky, you are alive and that car is in one piece!" I promised myself I would never do that again.
I still have his car. I can now drive it without tears. When I feel bad, or I have had a bad day all I have to do is put the top down, pop in a CD and I instantly feel good. But, it took a very long time for me to be at peace with it. If he had not asked me to keep it, I would have sold it within the first month. It brought too much pain. It was his baby. It was his dream car, he was gone and I was left with a promise I had to keep and look at everyday. Below is the solstice. i named it Anubis after an Eygyptian God.
We almost died together! The stupidest action I have ever done! My daughter thought I had lost it! Maybe, I did at that moment. I have never done anything like that before in my life and I never intend to do something like that ever again.
Tomorrow I will post the second Promise.
1/1/2010 - First Day of 2010
Greetings, Once Again!
Here I am, day two and having to expose my life one more time, for the sake of journalism!
Today, wasn't so out of the ordinary. I had to get my material together for my herbology class on Sunday. The Ancient Religion class went smoothly and one of my students is absolutely brilliant. I enjoy teaching him, because sometimes... I become the student with all of the research he does.
Linda called and she will be leaving for Vermont next Monday. She did not sound happy, but she wasn't crying her eyes out either. That was a plus! Maybe, she will see Jeff while she is there. I encouraged her to at least, try and call him. Jeff was her best friend in school and then latter, her first boyfriend. Linda went on to college and met Mike. Jeff went on to college and met his work. Linda got married and Jeff built his own business and never married. She seemed reluctant to contact him, but she needs a friend right now, not a lover. She is too self-conscious to even think of having a lover in her life, because of Mike's reaction to her disfigurement. I would not think much of her, if she ran off and had a relationship, while still being married to Mike anyway. No matter what he has done, it just would not seem right. At any rate, Jeff would certainly be a great friend for her right now. Who knows, maybe someday, a love in her life too.
I should be thinking more about my own life in 2010. A friend mentioned I needed to think of my own desires, hopes and aspirations. "Oh, my stars! What if I don't have any!" I need to think and re-think! I have to have something, somewhere, wouldn't you think? I will "think" about this some other time. Promise!
We did not get the snow, as perdicted. That certainly was a good thing, since snow can keep you trapped from going anywhere. Not that I have anywhere I need to go to at this moment, other than a nice long walk with nature. I love nature and my home is even a hunk of nature. I live in a house that some describe as a tree house.
My husband purchased this home for us, two years before he passed away. At first, I was not too happy over leaving a home we had so many memories in. A home that was filled with white walls, blue carpet and lots of ceiling to floor windows. A home we had shared laughter, friendship, tears and hopes, within its structure. It was not a house. It was my memories! Even with my baggage of sentiments, off to the tree house we went! Now this house made of huge logs, carries memories too. Some of those memories are hurtful, but for the most part, some are very enchanting.
The tree house? Yes, it is a two-story, log house, nestled within a forest of magnificent, anceint and not so ancient trees. It is peaceful and comforting here. It became my solitude while Alan was so sick. Now, it brings me comfort, even though, I feel sad over all of the trees that were cut down, just to build it. Fortunantly, I was not around to whitness the mass distruction of the trees, or this house would have "never" been created. It was thirty years old and abandoned for three, when we purchassed it.
I ended 2009 with a new friend, which if it hadn't been for my daughter, I would have never met. Her encouragment of getting involved with email pen pals, turned out good in many ways. I posted my profile, with her standing over my shoulder. She wanted to make sure I went through with it and she would not leave, until I pushed the "send" button. I have used a computer for many years for writing, but the internet was not within my world, until my daughter and son-in-law decided to get wireless internet on my beloved laptop. "Socialize!" was their last words as they finished setting it all up, and walked out. Of course, I never even went on-line. Why? What was the reason for it? I am sure they knew I would react in this manner, so they got to work. First, they had Mr. Henderson call me about a writing course. Then they set me up to receive emails from people whom I did not even know! I was beginning to resent my own daughter for putting me in a situation that I was uncomfortable with. But, I knew she was trying to snap me out of the anti-social concept, that I had created around me, after Alan died. "Mother, you don't have to answer everyone who emails you, but I certainly hope, you will make an effort to answer, someone!" My daughter blurted out in fustration.
Emails started coming in. I would read them and endlessly delete them. Then, I am not sure why, I answered one. For some reason, I just decided, I would and I have to admit, I was tired of my daughter asking each and everyday if I was emailing. (laugh) So, I started corresponding with a man from Canada about his country, his work, his way of life and his desire to find a "soul mate". I still correspond with him, and he knows "I am not his soul mate". That is a relief! I also correspond with a very nice lady from Australia, who has a very large, happy family. I love reading her stories about her life. She is wonderful! Then, I received an email from someone in England. At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to open the email. I was very busy and felt content with the two new friends I was emailing already. Surely, my daughter would think two, were enough! I already knew she didn't!
That last moment, of deciding to read that email, has been a wonderful encounter, one might say. It has been an experiance, I would have never thought possible. What could I not think was possible? To really tell someone what you feel. I have always been capable of telling someone what I thought, but my feelings where never exposed to others. Sure, you may shed tears in front of them, laugh or even show emotions, for that matter. But for anyone to really know my gaurded thoughts and feelings.... no, I never let that happen until, the friend from "across the pond". I look forward to his emails, filled with light hearted humor, suggestions and insight. I think the reason I am able to express my feelings and thoughts with him, is because he is so far away, which gives a presona of safe. But to be honest, I think it really has to do with his delightful personality and his ease of who he is and his persistence to "Run", from our private joke concerning fate. Probably, without having corresponded with him, I would have never been able to write this journal. Why? Because I never put my "feelings" out for everyone to see them. I have a private journal that has all of that in it. I wll never expose all of my feelings within this on-line journal, but at least, I can write about "some" of them. Which is something I have never done before.
So, where will 2010 lead me? Only fate has the answers to that and I really do not trust fate, at this point in my life. I don't intend to run from it though and I have no intentions of hiding from it either. But, I may try to avoid encountering it! (laugh)
2010 should turn out to be a very interesting year, for Mr. Henderson, myself and the guy from "across the pond".
Happy New Year Everyone!
12/31/2009 - New Year's Eve 2009
Greetings,
I had a very disturbing dinner this evening, with a friend who has cancer. I should say, "who had cancer". The tumors were removed, along with both of her breasts. Linda thought, her battle with cancer was the hardest thing she had to ever encounter, and if loosing her breasts would keep her alive and with her husband, then so be it. But now she was faced with even more devastation. Her husband left her, because he could not stand seeing her disfigured body.
Dinner turned out to be more tears than eating. Who could eat, with a conversation such as this? She needed someone to talk with. She needed someone to give her answers as to why, Mike (her husband for nineteen years) could just walk out, because she no longer had breasts? "Couldn't he just be happy, I am alive?" she kept repeating between bursts of tears.
The fact is, he is a fool! Linda is beautiful and only thirty-nine years old. Life seemed to be closing in on her and I was speechless. What do you say? You can't say, "Its alright. Everything will be just fine." It wasn't o'kay and it may never be just fine! But, thankfully, she was alive and she needed to think that Mike, actually was giving her a new direction in life. Regardless, if she wanted it or not.
I tried to comfort her, but I was even in shock over Mike's actions. All I could do was encourage her to try and get past all of this. She had to go on with her life. The life she had fought so hard to keep. Both of us looked a mess, with tears streaming down our faces and endlessly wiping our noses. When I looked up from our conversation, I noticed people were watching us, so I lifted my coffee cup, slightly into the air and made a gester of a toast to all of them. I am sure they had no clue, why two woman were sitting, with untouched plates of food and just crying. But, with the honorary toast,they diverted their eyes elswhere.
By the time I left, Linda was in better spirits over her dilemma, but not over the hurt she felt deep within her heart. "I lost my best friend!", she blurted out, when I hugged her goodbye.
I sat back down, took a drink of the sweet, red wine, I had left abandoned on the table, faced her and said, "He is not your friend. If he had been your friend, you would not be here, crying your heart out. You would be at home, with him, enjoying a glass of wine in front of your fireplace with his arms wrapped around you."
Her eyes had an instant look of knowing. I knew then, she would move forward, even if it was one tiny step at a time. She informed me, she was going to her sister's house in Vermont for a few days. I feel she needs to stay for a few weeks. Maybe she will.
By the time I got home, my mood was everything but happy or content. I don't drink much, but I sure would have liked to have drank, myself into a dazed state of mind this night. Maybe then, I could keep my thoughts off of Linda's pain and where her life was going to go from here.
I changed out of my black dress and threw on my baggy shirt, and said to myself, "forget the jeans, I need some coffee". With a cup of coffee in hand, I currled up in my over-stuffed chair and started thinking about everything that happened in 2009.
The phone rang. I could not think of anyone who would call at this time of night.
"Hello?" It was Linda on the other end.
"Sindy, why should I think of a better tomorrow and go on with my life, when you haven't?" I was silent and stunned over her words and then I realized she was right.
"I will, right along with you. Hows that?"
"Is that why you turned down Mark's inventation to go to lunch with him on Friday? Because you plan on moving forward in 2010? It doesn't sound to me like you plan on moving forward, turning down invitations."
My coffee was turning cold and I was tired. She had turned the tides back on me, just as she had so many times before.
"Alright, Linda, you made your point. I will move forward, like I promissed, but I am not having lunch with Mark! I rather have lunch with an unattractive guy, who has personality, friendship and warmth, than a good-looking man who thinks he is better than a fine, red wine! And Mark is the guy who thinks of himself as that wine!"
At least, when we hung up, Linda was laughing. Myself, on the other hand, was feeling a bit pressured and pushed into a direction I was not ready to explore. Now What?
I guess, 2009 is even ending bad. Hopefully, when I wake up in the morning, 2010 will be the start of a wonderful year. One that is filled with fresh new beginnings, a few rainbows with less storms, and a combination of love, passion, affection, devotion and friendship.... for Linda and the new life she is forced to begin.
This certainly wasn't a great way to celebrate New Year's Eve!
To think, I have to write tomorrow too! "Oh, my stars! What a crazy nightmare this is beginning to be!
12/30/2009 - Mr. Alan
Greetings, once again!
My first assignment or suggestion from Mr. Henderson: Write about Alan.
Who is Alan? Alan, or Mr. Alan, as most everyone addressed him as, was my husband. He died in my arms on April, 21 2009. He was only 59 years old when he died the first time. This was the day of his second death. It was totally unexpected. He had just finished physical therapy to rebuild his strength. Alan had died the first time on July 6, 2009 from too much medication that the hospital had given him. He had went to the hospital, because he had the flu and he just felt miserable, no matter what he did. They found he was dehydrated and needed fluids immediately. They gave him a medication that literally stop his breathing. It took them almost eight minutes to bring him back. He was in a comma for two weeks. They thought if he did come out of the comma, he would not even know who I was.
He did come out of the comma, and his first words were, "Hello Sweetheart". He had nothing wrong with him, other than being weak, a small speech defect and an irregular heart beat. But, he was alive and he would come home and I was so thankful for that. I missed him terribly. He was in the hospital for one month and then transferred to a rehabilitation center for another month. They did not want him to come home, unless we had physical therapists that would be at our home, twice a week.
I put a leave of absence from my employment, arranged for a physical therapist to come twice a week and a nurse who would come once a week. Done! We were set. Home he came.
I am thankful for the extra two and a half years "fate" had given us, but "fate" wasn't all that kind, to have even let it happen, in the first place.
Alan had given me so much in life, but the most cherished gifts were friendship, respect, love, laughter and admiration of the devotion we gave to each other. The struggles with money issues, we endured because of our friendship and even those times were happy ones. When our lives had prosperity, we found exciting new adventures we shared together. When illness came, our friendship and love became a strong foundation of hope and not giving up.
When Alan died, nothing ended, other than his pain, struggles and breath. His kindness, love, devotion and true since of what he wanted for me ..... is always here.
What did he want for me? He wanted me to never live in the past, unless I needed a smile, a hug, a kiss, a friend, or a word of encouragement, then... by all means look back and relieve it.
This was so very hard to write, but the year 2009 needs closure, in order for my choice of, which path to explore next, is within vision and the right one. I hope! (I should have listened to my friend, and not written this, but I did and now, life goes forward.)
12/29/2009 - The Struggle For Ideas
Greetings,
Well here I am, once again, trying to pull this all together.I started by contacting an email friend, asking for suggestions, but the internet can be very slow at times and I did not receive an answer. So, here I am trying to "think" of what to write about.
Write what you know, is what is repeatedly suggested amoung writers and most everyone who is into writing, other than those of us who happen to be in a floating boat, without any dry land in sight!(laugh and Laugh) O'kay, I must get serious about this. What to write? What do I do with this website?
I guess, I will write about situations I have encountered, my views, my thoughts, my personal life (Maybe), my dreams (Do I even have any, right now?) and just everyday issues. Maybe, this website will be good for me and maybe not. We will see what sort of grade I will acquire, from all of this rediculous behavior, it has brought out in me.
I am waiting for an email from Mr. Henderson. He is to give me some ideas. Do I really want his ideas? Of course, I do... maybe. It all depends on what his "ideas" are! I can only imagine what he will demand of my writing thoughts.
Well, I just got my first suggestion: Talk About Alan. Get it out before the New Year begins. (this is not going to be easy. I have only talked about him, in a small way with a friend. Now I must write, before the New Year begins!) Thankfully, I checked my email as soon as I returned home from dinner with a friend. Maybe, I will have time to write the assignment before the clock strikes midnight. Gee, what have I gotten myself into!
