12/31/2009 - New Year's Eve 2009
Greetings,
I had a very disturbing dinner this evening, with a friend who has cancer. I should say, "who had cancer". The tumors were removed, along with both of her breasts. Linda thought, her battle with cancer was the hardest thing she had to ever encounter, and if loosing her breasts would keep her alive and with her husband, then so be it. But now she was faced with even more devastation. Her husband left her, because he could not stand seeing her disfigured body.
Dinner turned out to be more tears than eating. Who could eat, with a conversation such as this? She needed someone to talk with. She needed someone to give her answers as to why, Mike (her husband for nineteen years) could just walk out, because she no longer had breasts? "Couldn't he just be happy, I am alive?" she kept repeating between bursts of tears.
The fact is, he is a fool! Linda is beautiful and only thirty-nine years old. Life seemed to be closing in on her and I was speechless. What do you say? You can't say, "Its alright. Everything will be just fine." It wasn't o'kay and it may never be just fine! But, thankfully, she was alive and she needed to think that Mike, actually was giving her a new direction in life. Regardless, if she wanted it or not.
I tried to comfort her, but I was even in shock over Mike's actions. All I could do was encourage her to try and get past all of this. She had to go on with her life. The life she had fought so hard to keep. Both of us looked a mess, with tears streaming down our faces and endlessly wiping our noses. When I looked up from our conversation, I noticed people were watching us, so I lifted my coffee cup, slightly into the air and made a gester of a toast to all of them. I am sure they had no clue, why two woman were sitting, with untouched plates of food and just crying. But, with the honorary toast,they diverted their eyes elswhere.
By the time I left, Linda was in better spirits over her dilemma, but not over the hurt she felt deep within her heart. "I lost my best friend!", she blurted out, when I hugged her goodbye.
I sat back down, took a drink of the sweet, red wine, I had left abandoned on the table, faced her and said, "He is not your friend. If he had been your friend, you would not be here, crying your heart out. You would be at home, with him, enjoying a glass of wine in front of your fireplace with his arms wrapped around you."
Her eyes had an instant look of knowing. I knew then, she would move forward, even if it was one tiny step at a time. She informed me, she was going to her sister's house in Vermont for a few days. I feel she needs to stay for a few weeks. Maybe she will.
By the time I got home, my mood was everything but happy or content. I don't drink much, but I sure would have liked to have drank, myself into a dazed state of mind this night. Maybe then, I could keep my thoughts off of Linda's pain and where her life was going to go from here.
I changed out of my black dress and threw on my baggy shirt, and said to myself, "forget the jeans, I need some coffee". With a cup of coffee in hand, I currled up in my over-stuffed chair and started thinking about everything that happened in 2009.
The phone rang. I could not think of anyone who would call at this time of night.
"Hello?" It was Linda on the other end.
"Sindy, why should I think of a better tomorrow and go on with my life, when you haven't?" I was silent and stunned over her words and then I realized she was right.
"I will, right along with you. Hows that?"
"Is that why you turned down Mark's inventation to go to lunch with him on Friday? Because you plan on moving forward in 2010? It doesn't sound to me like you plan on moving forward, turning down invitations."
My coffee was turning cold and I was tired. She had turned the tides back on me, just as she had so many times before.
"Alright, Linda, you made your point. I will move forward, like I promissed, but I am not having lunch with Mark! I rather have lunch with an unattractive guy, who has personality, friendship and warmth, than a good-looking man who thinks he is better than a fine, red wine! And Mark is the guy who thinks of himself as that wine!"
At least, when we hung up, Linda was laughing. Myself, on the other hand, was feeling a bit pressured and pushed into a direction I was not ready to explore. Now What?
I guess, 2009 is even ending bad. Hopefully, when I wake up in the morning, 2010 will be the start of a wonderful year. One that is filled with fresh new beginnings, a few rainbows with less storms, and a combination of love, passion, affection, devotion and friendship.... for Linda and the new life she is forced to begin.
This certainly wasn't a great way to celebrate New Year's Eve!
To think, I have to write tomorrow too! "Oh, my stars! What a crazy nightmare this is beginning to be!
