Greetings,

I do not make promises I do not intend to keep, nor wish to keep. That is just me. With that in mind, I just do not "promise" and when I do, people who know me are shocked that I did make that promise.

I made three promises that I have kept, but they were very hard promises to keep. They were promises that tore at my heart. The kind that kept me awake at night, fretting over what I had promised.

Promise One: Take care of the Solstice and never sell it or get rid of it.

What is a Solstice? It is a sports car that looks a lot like a roadster. My husband fell in love with it the first time he saw it advertised in a magazine. It was a car that was not even available to purchase at the time. I had never known him to ever want anything, or ask for anything for himself, in the entire time I knew him. He was instantly obsessed and possessed over this car! Finally, after seeing a picture of it posted on our refrigerator, bathroom mirror, closet door, and on his desk, I asked him why he didn't just order it. I will never forget the look of joy, in his eyes when I casually mentioned it. He did not only order the car, he had it customized to suit his wants. It was going to take the manufacturer ten months to a year to produce it. That was fine with him. The order was placed complete with chrome wheels, leather interior, corvette engine and in the color of mysterious black. Now, all he had to do was wait and take all of those pictures down! All of them were taken down except the one on his desk.

Sadly, he was in a comma when the car arrived. The car was to be delivered to a dealer under a private order tag. They were not allowed to put any of their logos on it. I called and told them the situation. They said they could keep the car and sell it, under the circumstances. Gosh, what was I to do? Alan wanted that car so bad! What if he came out of the comma and I didn't get that car? I would be so upset with myself for disappointing him. I personally did not care for the car.

When I got to the dealer's, they had the car parked in their show room with red rope surrounding it to keep people from touching it. When Mr. Elliot asked what I thought of the car. I told him I did not know, I hadn't seen it yet. He said, "Turn around. It is right there behind you." I took one look and it literally took my breath away.

I instantly understood why Alan fell in love with this car! I had to finance the balance of the car in my name, because Alan was not able to sign the papers. That also meant the car would be in my name. Great, it was his car and now it was going to be in my name only! Oh well, it was better in my name then not having it at all.

I was so scared when I got behind the wheel of this, speed demon, of a little sports car. I think every bone in my body was shaking. My daughter followed me home, to make sure I did not kill myself in it. It was fifty miles from our home and at first I drove as slow as I could get away with on the interstate. Then after about twenty-five miles of driving this way, I opened her up and let her fly. It was amazing and my daughter was laughing when I pulled into the drive. I parked the car and did not get into it again until the day I pick Alan up from the rehabilitation center.

I had a plan. I gathered those pictures of the car he had stashed away and posted them all over his hospital room. Now, all I had to do was wait and hope he would wake up. Each day, I stood by his bed pleading, "Wake up. Open your eyes. Just, please wake up. I miss you."

He only was able to drive this car twice and then it was for only a block or two. It had seven miles on it when it was purchased. When Alan died it had 327 miles on it.

The promise? I have kept his promise, but it was so hard. Every time I looked at that car, the pain in my heart was unbearable. Memories and more memories flooded my vision, each time I looked at it. He never even had a chance to really enjoy his dream car.

He had his last ride in it, when I picked up his ashes. After his funeral, I got into that car, with tears flowing faster than I could wipe them away, and took off flying. I wanted to forget. I wanted to just die myself. I wanted everything to go away. I wanted him back.

I lost control of it and it just kept spinning, as if it took control of itself. Finally, it stopped in the middle of the road without any damage to it or me. I just sat there crying with anger, sadness and shock. A neighbor said the car looked like it had spun six or seven times. "You are lucky, you are alive and that car is in one piece!" I promised myself I would never do that again.

I still have his car. I can now drive it without tears. When I feel bad, or I have had a bad day all I have to do is put the top down, pop in a CD and I instantly feel good. But, it took a very long time for me to be at peace with it. If he had not asked me to keep it, I would have sold it within the first month. It brought too much pain. It was his baby. It was his dream car, he was gone and I was left with a promise I had to keep and look at everyday. Below is the solstice. i named it Anubis after an Eygyptian God.