1/4/2010 - Promise Three
Promise Three:
Never Get Married Again, Unless They Love You, The Way I Have Always Loved You.
That will be a very hard promise to keep and it is one I have not even considered yet. Nor, do I even care to think about right now.
I now understand how people think it is horrible when someone starts dating or even gets re-married for that matter, just months after their spouse passes on. It makes you wonder if they even loved their mate.
Your heart seems to be breaking and you can't think of anyone else. Just what you have lost! You can't sleep from thinking about everything to do with them, your past, your accomplished dreams, future dreams, the building of your lives together. Now that I have experienced this, I can honestly say, they could not have loved their spouse/mate if they can so easily jump right into another relationship.
My husband loved black and white pictures. Probably from working with the newspaper and photography department. This was his career when we married. I could not convince him that colored pictures were great.
You go through so much after they die. Once you get past the shock of it all, you begin to find things that were so important before, become instantly precious. Those little tokens they once gave you that are setting around the house become valuable possessions. Even their tooth-brush is hard for you to let go of. You feel like you are not even yourself anymore and you are not really yourself at all. They are gone. Unfortunantly, memories do not die. They just keep on replaying within your mind like a movie starting over and over again.
Maybe, we should all try to live our lives, so we only have good memories, if someone we love dies. Because if the good memories cause so much pain, I can't imagine what bad memories would have done to me. I can honestly say I never did one thing in our life together, to have ever caused him pain or hurt in anyway. This I am thankful for. No regrets.
It takes months before you are able, or even want to try and snap out of the new world, that has circled around you, with all of its sorrows and demise. Or a way of life you did not choose or ask for. You realize you must move forward. You can't turn your back on those who need you. You have to make an effort to move forward. You slowly make your way back into the world, and actually start existing. You make new friends and you reunite with old. If love knocks on your door, you don't even know it or recongnize it. You don't give it a chance to even get started. But, eventually, you slowly open your eyes and heart, just a bit, to start seeing, hearing, feeling and recognizing those simple emotions once again. You may not want too, but it happens on its own accord.
I am still trying to decide which path to take next in my life. It is not an easy choice. But, I will choose...... someday.
Tomorrow's Entry - The path I have chosen. (Maybe)
