Tiffany Stone (The Story)

 Never before in the history of the world has there been a story such as this. And never again will there be such an event of unparalleld magnitude. And if the world ever falls into this sort of peril again, then it will be the final chapter of planet earth, because this miracle can not ever be duplicated again.

About Tiffany Stone
Tiffany Stone has given me permission to write her into my story and to use her name as the title.
Speicial Thanks To Tiffany Stone





This is a fictional story.
Tiffany Stone really is a Hollywood journalist and a movie script reader. But her appearance in this story is only fictional. But the description of how beautiful she is in the story is not fictional. She is very attractive. And yes, she does really have a blog, called Tiffany A Stone.Com.

Tiffany Stone Blog





Tiffany Stone
By Tim Mack


He thought. "What kind of dream is this?"


He felt as if he were in a dream that he couldn't awaken from.

He thought. "I must awaken from this dream and take charge of myself. But how? How can I awaken?"

At last, he was no longer soaring above the ocean at warp speed. He could feel his body, now splash into the water, as the impact pulled his clothes off. Now he could feel a terrible wet chill.

As waves crashed over him, he started to awake, but the waters were so frigid, he could feel himself going into a state of hyperthermia.

He thought. "I'm gone, and there is no Canada that I will see."

After a time, he could feel lips pressed on his. The lips were soft and sweet. He could smell the scent of a fresh morning bubble bath. He could feel hot air blowing into his mouth. But he could not move. His eyes refused to open. But he could feel the sun now. Then he felt tender fingers touch his face.

Hands were now pressing on his stomach and water started to flow from out of his mouth. He felt hot air again blow inside his mouth.

Gentle fingers touched his wrist, as he heard a female voice cry out." A pulse, a pulse."


He layed their helpless on the beach. He could not move, he could not see. He felt only the sensation of feminine hands all over his body.

Then he heard a female voice cry out. "Body heat. He must have lots of body heat. Its his only chance to get warm enough to survive."

His eyes, then started to open very slightly. He saw a woman standing over him, she had long strawberry blond hair that was rich with curls.

She was quickly undressing and revealing very, full and beautiful, breasts, a slim, wasteline and very, firm thighs. He then felt her body go underneath his. But, yet, then again, he saw the same woman standing over him and quickly undressing, yet, she was wearing different clothes.


Then she placed her body on top of his.

He thought. "What kind of woman, can be on top of me, and underneath me at the same time?"

And then he thought.

"Could this be Hell?"

"And I be damned."

"To feel this lust."

"Yet to frozen be."

"What were my sins?"

"For this to be."

"Frozen so helpless."

"Here for all eternity."

Suddenly, he started to feel a rush of heat spreading, all over his body. The heat from the woman's body above him, combined with the heat of the womans body underneath him was thawing him out rapidly now.

Then he thought.

"What madness can this be?"

"If I am not dead."

"I must be mad."

"To lie here with a woman that."

"That has two sets of hands."

"That warms me with two bodies yet."

"I may be back on earth again."

"But for sure, my mind."

"It must be gone."


Just then, he heard the sounds of laughter.

A female voice cried out. "A butterfly, a butterfly."

Another female voice, cried out. "Where?"

The other female voice replied. "On his butt. On his butt. He has a butterfly tatto on his butt."

Suddenly, he started to laugh. He said. "Oh, the butterffly. That was a very drunken night in Singapore."

He asked. "What ailment do I have, that I am seeing and hearing two of you?"

They both laughed together, and said. "We are twin sisters."

He laughed and said. "Oh, you mean that I have not gone mad."

"Thank you both for what you've done." He said.

One of the twins said. "We couldn't think of any a faster way to warm you up then using our combined body heat."

He smiled and said. "That was a lot more fun than hot soup."


One of the twins then said. "Come with us and we will give you a hot bath and get you some dry clothes to wear."

"The hot water felt good and it was nice to get that salty water off his body." He thought.

One of the twins said. "These are my brothers clothes, I think you are about the same size, he doesn't need to share them with a butterfly, but try them on, I think they will fit. But don't be in any big hurry eh."

He put the clothes on, and said. "The butterfly is very happy."

They both laughed, and one of the twins, poured him a Scotch, and said. "Here this will put some hair on your butterfly."

Once they realised he was okay, they became very curious and one of the twins asked. "How did it happen, that you washed up on this far away island?"

He told them, "I'm not exactly sure myself, but I will tell you what I can."

He told his twin rescuers. "I had fallen asleep on a couch on my ship and then somehow, I washed up ashore on your enchanting island. It makes no sense, but here I am. All I can remember is that I felt an incredible urge to smell a womans sweet perfume."

"Here you are how?" The other twin sister asked.

"I wished myself here is my only explanation." He said.

"I feel like being somewhere, where there is music and dancing." He said.

"And somewhere where you can smell lots of women's perfume eh." One of the twins remarked.

"Yes, I confess. I need to fill up my nostrils with the sweet scent of women and their perfume." He said with a smile.

"Sure you're not needing any more then just a sniff of a women?" One of the twins remarked with a seductive smile.

The twins then directed him to the only bar on the island. He liked the music and the place was packed with beautiful women. Noticing a woman leaning over the juke box whose breasts were bouncing in her tight top, he winked seductively and asked. "Could you play You Sexy Thing for me?"

She looked at Kevin as if he were piece of chocolate candy and said. "If I'm dreaming this don't anyone wake me."

"My name is Kevin. And where have you been all my life?" He said

"My name is Bernice. And I've been right here just waiting for you to walk in the door." She said.

Kevin moved his head close to her neck and said. "I love how you smell."

She put her arms around Kevin and said. "He's mine. I'll not be sleeping in a cold bed tonight."

Kevin then gazed into her eyes seductively and kissed her, as he felt her breasts press pleasantly against his chest.

Kevin thought to himself. "Its fanstastic that this place is filled with beautiful women. But why am I the only guy here?"

Just then one of the twins waved them over and said. "Come and sit with us. We ordered drinks for everyone."

Kevin took a swig of his drink and asked. "Am I in heaven, or is this a lesbian bar?"

The twin sisters laughed and said. "No, its just that all the men on the island are out fishing and you're the only male on the entire island at the moment."

It seemed as if every women in the place wanted to dance with him. The music was great, and word had gotten around about the butterfly tatto on his butt, and the women seemed to be enjoying him being the butt of all their jokes, so to say.

The woman behind the bar suddeny cleared the top of the bar counter and yelled.

"Come on sailor hop up on the counter and give us a dance". As You Sexy Thing started to play.

Being a good sport, Kevin jumped up and started dancing. Kevin started to playfuly unbutton his shirt as a bunch of woman started yelling.

"Take it off. Take it all off sailor. We want to see the butterfly."

Kevin thought to himslef. "I'll just strip down to my underwear."

Now with Kevin wearing only his shorts, the woman now sreamed loudly the words.

"Take it off. Take it all off. We want to see the butterfly."

Kevin yelled back. "Okay ladies. But this will have to be our own little secret. The UCMJ(Uniform Code Military Justice} doesn't allow me to be lewd. At least not in uniform anyway. But hey. I guess I'm not in uniform today anyway eh."

As Kevin turned around and lowered his shorts, the ladies clapped wildly at the site of his butterfly.

Hearing cameras clicking, Kevin pulled his shorts back up and turned around and asked. "Please? Stop ladies. No more pictures. I could be Court Martialed for this. Seriously ladies, I know a lot of women out there that could ID a picture of my butterfly."

But instead of stopping, they applauded wildly and kept clicking pictures. Kevin shrugged his shoulders as he started to dress and yelled. "How bout another Molson up here eh?"

An exceptionaly well dressed woman walked up to him. She absolutely radiated with beauty. Her long dark, brown hair and hazel eyes were striking.

She extended her hand and said. "Hi, my name is Tiffany Stone, I'm a Hollywood journalist and I would like to hear your story."

"Hi, I've read articles that you've written, but I never knew what you looked like. You certainly don't look like a journalist, your much too pretty."

The woman siting next to him intervened and said. "I already got his story and he's coming home with me right after we have a few more drinks."

He laughed and said to the woman sitting next to him. "Don't worry, she doesn't want me, she just wants the story, nothing more."

"Oh, in that case come back to my house with us, and get your story." The woman said.

"Tiffany Stone, turned to him and asked. Would you mind?"

"I would be more than glad to give you the story." He replied.

"My name is Bernice." She said, as she extended her hand to Tiffany Stone.

"I'm Kevin and it will be my pleasure to give you the story." He said.

"I have a camcorder and a microphone with me, if you'd like to do anymore entertaining." Tiffany Stone said.

Kevin asked. "Would you mind recording me Tiffany Stone so that when the men of the village get back from their fishing trip, the ladies of the village can share my visit with them?"

"Certainly" Tiffany Stone replied.

"Okay than, since you wonderful Canadians have shown me such wonderful hospitality, I'm going to do a few scripts for you that I've written. So far I've only performed these scripts out at sea to a very captive audience, so if I start to bore you, let me know and I'll stop. This first one is called My First Kiss. Okay Tiffany, if you don't mind, roll the camcorder."

My First Kiss



Being seven, can be very arkward. You're no longer cute and cuddley anymore, but your still far from being grown up. At seven, I was still my Mom's charge. Wherever she went, I had to follow.

I was the srangest little Kid. I wasn't interested in anything. Every thing just seemed to be a bore, and I couldn't understand why I was a little Kid.

My Mom was always losing me. She would make me go shopping with her, and I would think. "Oh, more shopping, I'm going to sleep." So, I would crawl under a display or something and go to sleep.

After a while, all the sales girls would be on the alert whenever, I would walk into a department store, because they new I was going to find some place to hide away. But the worst place was the sand box.

Whenever my Mom would take me to the sand box, I would think. "Oh, no, I have to be around all those Kids that think this is fun." I mean after putting the sand in your pail once, the thrill is gone.

So of course, I would go right to sleep in the sandbox. But the ultimate low was Kindergarten. All of these Kids playing with little blocks and making a mess with all those crayons. I went right to sleep on that.

The teacher would say to my Mom. "I don't understand your Son, he refuses to stay awake in my class."

I thought. "Oh, let me hurry and grow up. Life as a little Kid, is just too boring."

I mean really, I felt like I had nothing in common with the junior set. Then, this was almost a bright note.

Someone from a modeling agency noticed me sound asleep in the sandbox one day, and said to my Mom. "Your Son is really hansome, I would like to model him."

I thought. "Hey, that might be interesting."

But no. My Mom said. "I want my Son to have a normal childhood and not have to grow up with cameras everywhere."

I thought. "Mom, are you crazy? I can be a star here. And anyway. What kind of a normal childhood is this that I'm having? Everything bores me."

Then one day, my Mom took me to the Park for a picnic with her friend and her friends, little daughter, that was the same age as I. We were both 7 at the time.

I thought. "Oh, another boring picnic, and now I'm going to have to listen to all their shopping talk. I'm going to sleep."

So, I found a nice spot on the grass and I feel sound asleep. Then after a while, I felt something crawling on me. I opened my eyes and noticed that it was my Mom's, friends, daughter. I noticed that my Mom and her friend were busy chatting away, and were not even aware that the girl was crawling all over me.

I thought. "Well, if I close my eyes and pretend I'm sleeping, the girl will go away and find something else to crawl on."

But no, she kept crawling all over me.

I'm thinking. "Well, I don't know what she thinks she's doing, but I'm just going to keep my eyes closed until she gets bored and goes away."

Then, all of a sudden, I feel something soft on my lips.

I'm thinking. "Hmmmm, that feels good. I wonder what that can be."

It just kept feeling nicer and nicer.

Then I thought. "Oh, what the heck. Let me open my eyes to see what this is."

Then I notice, that its the girls lips, that are on mine.

I said. "Whats that"?

She said. "Thats a kiss."

I said. "Oh, I like that."

She said. "I like that to."

I smiled and said. "Oh, at last something thats not boring."

Well, since that day, my life really changed. I wasn't falling asleep all over the place anymore. I seemed to be wide awake and interested.

But, I always wonder. "Was it the kiss that day, when I was seven, that sparked something in me; or was it just time to wake up?"

Well, whatever, I have been wide, awake, ever since. And that is the story of my first kiss, and my first unboring moment.

"Thank you Kevin I really enjoyed that." Tiffany Stone said.

"But why is everyone crying? It didn't have that kind of effect on the sailors. Kevin said smiling.

"Thats because sailors can never become Mom's. Its very sweet and touching Kevin." Tiffany Stone said.

"Thank you, I see everyones crying. I was trying to make everyone laugh. Let me try A Script About My Ass and see if that can get everyone laughing." Kevin said.

The Script About My Ass

Does anyone remember those early High School days? You know, the time when most of us started to discover the opposite sex in ernest, but we still weren't completly evolved yet. I can still remember those early day High School parties that we had.

You know, those parties that you would have at a friends house where all the guys would gravitate to the kitchen, and all the girls would gravitate to an up stairs bed room to talk girl talk. We all thought we were so cool. Some guy would always find a way to sneak a six pack of beer into the kitchen and another guy would always have a pack of cigarettes.

We would all take a small glass of beer and light up a cigarette and talk about what a buzz we were getting. While we were getting our little beer and cigarette buzz, we would start talking about what girls we thought were hot. Sometimes I wondered why the girls came to the party at all, they, always seemed to be upstairs.

All that changed after a while, but it was a real evolutionary process. But while we were evolving, sure, all the guys knew about all the guy talk in the kitchen, but no one ever knew anything about what the girls were talking about upstairs. Well, that is almost no one knew.

I overheard a very rare earshot of a conversation I wasn't suppose to hear. It was all very innocent of course, but rather interesting. This is how it all happened. I had to use the bathroom.

I knocked on the door, and one of my friends said. "I'm going to be in here for a while because I feel like I'm going to puke."

I thought okay. "I will use the upstairs bathroom."

I got almost to the top of the stairs and I heard all kinds of laughter coming from the girls in the bedroom.

I thought. "I wonder what it is thats so funny that they are laughing about?

Then I heard one of the girls say. "Yeah that Kevin has the tightest ass."

And another girl chimed in. "I couldn't keep my eyes off of his ass for the entire football game."

I realized then. "They, were talking about my ass."

I thought. "No one cares about all the touch downs I got or all the great plays I made. Their just watching my ass."

Then another girl yelled. "Yeah, I love that back field in motion."

Another girl chimed in. "Yeah, I just love seeing Kevin's ass in those tight football pants."

"I'd love to sueeze those tight bunns." Another voice cried out.

And yet another voice, said. "I get goose bumbs just thinking what it would be like to wrap my legs around his tight ass."

Well, at first I was devestated.

I thought. "All that pumping iron, all that hair blowing, all that expense cologne. And what are all the girls looking at? Its my ass, just my ass."

Then I thought. "Well, I better keep this little secret to myself."

I thought. "If I tell anyone I overheard this conversation, they'll never be able to keep it a secret and it will get back to the girls."

They kept talking and talking about my ass, but I couldn't listen any longer, I really did have to use the bathroom. So I used the bathroom and quietly slipped back down stairs again. Now I needed a beer and a cigarette. So, I gulped down an entire can of beer and had a cigarette, but then I really started to feel weird.

I thought. "Woh, no more of that stuff. But then I started to think, hmmm, maybe I can capitalise on this ass thing."

I applied for a Summer job, and the girl said, oh, sorry, we have no more openings. Then she said, your shoe lace is untied.

I bent down to tie it. And then she said. "Oh, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, we do have an opening."

Now, I'm thinking. "Hmmm, is this just a coincidence? Or was she really checking me out when I bent down to tie my shoe lace?"

Then I would start to notice other little oddites. Everytime I walked into the office to look for a file, I would hear all this typing. But as soon as I would turn my back and start looking for a file, all the typing would stop. And then as soon as I got the file and turned around again, the typing would suddenly resume.


"Another strange coincidence." I suppose.

When I got my first paycheck from my summer job, I thought. "Its time to do a little shopping."

Yeah, I was going pants shopping, tight pants shopping.

I thought. Hmmm, how tight can I get pants to fit?"

Then I headed out with my new tight pants. Wow, was I getting smiles.

I thought. "Screw the gym. The heck with pumping iron. I had it all together in one neat package."

Then school resumed again, and I thought. "Hmmmm, I wonder if I can get my marks boosted a bit higher if I have all female teachers?"

So, I went in to see the Guidance Counselor, and asked. "Could I have all female teachers?"

"Why do you want all female teachers?" He asked.

I said. "I seem to pay attention better."

He said. "Well, I can give you all female teachers, except for Gym Class."

"Great." I said.

I couldn't beleive the difference, with all female teachers, my marks were soaring. Every once in a while, I would drop my pen or something in class, and pick it up real slow just for insurance.

What was really weird though, was that I was getting even better at football. It started to feel good just thinking that I was giving the girls a thrill. I felt like they weren't cheering for the team, but rather they were really cheering for me.

After a while, I kind of even developed a little back field in motion wiggle. The girls were going wild.

I thought. "Hey, if you got it, flaunt it."

When I graduated High School, I was hired by a Wall Street Bokerage firm, but I had to take a medical exam before I could start working. I looked out the window in the Doctors examining room in awe at the sky line.

As I marveled at the sites, I felt a hand tap on my shoulder. I turned my head to see a Nurse standing there.

She said. "I have to take your temperature."

As she held the therometer in her hand I opened my mouth expecting her to slip it in.

She smiled and said. "No, this isnt going in your mouth."

I asked. "Where else can it go?"

She said. "Drop your pants and shorts and find out."

I complied and as I layed down on my stomach, I could feel her stick the therometer up my butt.

She started to chat with me and after a long while, I kind of wondered to myself. "Why is she taking so long to pull the therometer back out of my butt?"

Just then the Doctor walked in and asked the Nurse. "Why are you taking his temperature in this fashion?"

Her face now a bit blushed, she exclaimed. "Oh I had some medical questions to ask him, and he couldn't answer them if the therometer was in his mouth."

I thought. "Hmmm, medial questions. I couldn't remember her asking me any medical questions."

Then I thought. "Hmmm, another on of those coincidences."

The Doctor asked. "So whats the temperature?"

With that she pulled the therometer from my buttoks at last, and said. "Your temperature is perfectly normal. And what department will you be working in?"

"That was good Kevin, my stomach is hurting from laughing so much." Tiffany Stone said.

"Great, I'm glad everyone got a good laugh out of that. Let me take a Molson break and I'll do one more." Kevin said with a smile.

"Do you always drink Molson Kevin?" Tiffany Stone asked.

"Yes always Tiffany." Kevin replied.

"I think I'll try a bottle of Molson and see what it does for my writing." Tiffany Stone said laughing.

"Well Tiffany, here's another one I wrote with the help of a few Molsons. This one is called Sex Toy for Mom. Roll the camcorder." Kevin said.


Sex Toy For Mom

I guess I did a lot of stupid things when I was a Kid. But buying my Mom a battery powered vibrator, had to be at the top of the list of stupid things I did. Of course, I had no idea what I was buying her at the time.

Well let me explain. When I was a kid, I would go to these auctions looking for things for my Science projects and everything was bid on so you knew how much it was going to be if you put a bid in on something. So that day I had found a few things I could use for my Science projects, so I started heading out the door.

As I was walking out the door, I could hear the auctioneer saying. "And this next item can give you a great massage."

Then I remembered that my Mom said a few days ago that she wished she could get a massage for her stiff neck.

So, I thought. "Christmas is coming soon, this might be a nice gift for Mom."

Then I heard the auctioners voice say. "Doesn't anyone else want to bid on this massager?"

So I raised the bid by 25 cents more, no one else put another bid in for it, so I got the thing.

I noticed I got a few funny looks from the people at the auction.

But I thought. "They're probably wondering what I'm doing at the auction."

I was the only Kid there, and I was still in grade school.

So, I got home, and wrapped up what I thought was just a massager for your neck or something and put it under the tree for Mom. Of course I was a bit perplexed why the bottom edge was so rounded.

But I thought. "Maybe that makes it vibrate better or something."

So, when Christmas came, everyone was there, my Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts and very close family friends. I watched my Mom as she opened up my present, and I noticed that she had a very surprised look on her face.

Then, I thought. "Good, I really surprised her."

But then I noticed that my Dad and my Grandparents also had a very surprised look on their face.

But as I explained to my Mom, that. "I got that for her, so that she could massage her neck." Everyone starting laughing. I couldn't figure out what was so funny.

Then my Dad said to me. "Could you help me take some things from the kitchen."

When we got into the kitchen, my Dad explained to me, what the vibrator was used for, and why it was shaped that way. When I asked my Dad.

"Why would any woman want to use a vibrator there?

My Dad just said. "I'll explain that to you another time."

So, I had bought my Mom a sex toy for Christmas. But at least Mom forgave me for my oversight. After still giving me a hug for the thought at least, I realised that day, just how much my Mom really loved me.

"Yes, it was a learning experience."

"That was fantastic. I'm definitly switching to Molson from now on." Tiffany Stone said.

"Thank you Tiffany for recording all this on your cam corder, and thank you all again for your amazing hospitality. I have to go now, but maybe someday I'll come back." Kevin said.


He grabbed the newspaper and the momento place holder from the bar, and stuffed it into his back pocket, as was always his habit, when he went somewhere new.

Then he extended his arms to both Bernice and Tiffany Stone and said. "May I?"

Arriving at Bernices house, Tiffany Stone pulled a bunch of gourmet food out of her bag and turned to Kevin and said. "You must be famished, let me whip something up fast in the kitchen."

With a smile, Kevin said. "I haven't had anything to eat in two days and I am just a tad bit hungry."

Bernice handed Kevin a Molson, and then said. "Let me help you in the kitchen Tiffany."

"Wow, does this ever taste good. I never had a food fantasty in my dreams, but after tasting this, move over all my beautiful woman fantasies." Kevin said with a big smile.

"Im happy I fulfiled your food fantasy cravings Kevin, but I would like to hear more about what happened to you." Tiffany Stone said.

"Okay Tiffany here it is. It wont make a lot of sense, but this is exactly how it happened. A while back I had won a disco dance contest with a very beautiful woman during a port visit to Vancouver, Canada."

I was thinking about that. "As I sat in the lounge and thinking about how many months we were at sea now and just how long it had been since I heard a female voice or smelled the scent of sweet perfume."

"How far away from this island were you when you started to crave the smell of a womans perfume." Tiffany Stone asked.

"Minutes before it happened, we were about 600 miles from here, according to the charts." Kevin replied.

"But 600 miles Kevin, that doesn't seem possible." Tiffany Stone said.

"No Tiffany, it doesn't seem possible in a normal sense, but I was traveling over the ocean at warp speed until I at last droped into the water." Kevin replied.

"But how did you survive the cold water Kevin?" Tiffany Stone asked.

"I think I would have died Tiffany, if it were not for the combined body heat of the twin sisters that thawed me out." Kevin said.

"Did anything unusual happen on your ship, just before you had your out of body experience Kevin?"

"Yes Tiffany, shortly before that I was on the bridge deck looking over the charts when I became enveloped by a greenish glow. I watched it go into the water. It was very strange Tiffany. Every navigational instrument was off and all the clocks and pesonal watches spun backward. Officialy it was listed as a small plane crash. But when I asked why we were not making a rescue effort, I was just told that I wouldn't really want to know."

"Why do you think Kevin, that you were the only one on your ship to travel to this island?"

"Well, Tiffany, if I had to guess, I think it may be a combination of two things. First, I was the only one that was standing out in the open at the time, and I got the full brunt of the greenish glow. Second, I have a tremendous will power and the desire to be around something soft and feminine just became overwhelming and somehow I think the green glow gave me a little something extra."

Oh, please, no more talk of this, I'm getting scared just thinking about this." Bernice said.

"Thats the whole story anyway Bernice." Said Kevin.

"Yes, I agree, Bernice, this is getting too spooky. I'm getting another round of Molson's in the Kitchen. Tiffany Stone said.

"Cheers to that." Said Kevin.

"What about you Tiffany Stone? You never say anything about yourslef on your website." Kevin said.

Laughing Tiffany Stone said. "I'm affraid I might bore my readers if I talk about myself, but if you must know Kevin, I'm a disciple of the legendary Hollywood scriptreader Jack Kerouac and I have a bachelor of arts in writing and literature from Naropa University in Boulder."

"So that's why you write so well. I only had a year of English Literature in College, but a buddy of mine on my ship that has a journalism degree has been giving me pointers on my comedy sripts that I've been writing for the Navy." Kevin said.

"Well Kevin, I think I would like to read your comedy scripts sometime, when your not busy dancing naked on the bar for the ladies." Tiffany Stone said laughing.

"If you would like Tiffany, I have another funny one that I was affraid to tell all the women at the bar. I didn't want them to start yelling that they wanted to see my butterfly again. This one is called Clap Your Hands." Kevin said with a big smile.

"By all means. Go ahead Kevin. It must be pretty sexy if you didn't want the woman at the bar to here it." Tiffany Stone said laughing.

"Okay Tiffany and Bernice, here it is." Kevin said, uncorking yet another Molson.

Clap Your Hands

Did anyone ever notice that "Clap Your Hands" commercial on TV? I'm just so glad its finaly off the air. I just couldn't watch the commercial without cracking up.

It makes me laugh because of Singapore. One day I got into a cab with two of my friends, and one of my friends had a bad backache, so he told the Singapore Cab driver to take us somewhere where you could get a good back rub.

So the driver takes us to this place thats way of the beaten track, and then points at a staircase to go up. So we walk up this staircase, and we see this Lady standing there, and there is only one table.

She motions us to sit down, and then she brings us all a beer.

Then she stands next to the table and says. "What can I do for you?"

My friend explains to her that. "The Cab driver said you could get a good back rub here."

She smiles and says yes. "We have the best here."

Then she claps her hands and a curtain opens. The open curtain reveals a whole bunch of women standing there in skimpy outfits.

My friend says. "No not that."

Then she claps her hands, and another curtain opens up revealing more women in skimpy outfits.

Then my friend says. "My back aches, thats all, I have on my mind."

Then she claps her hands again, and all the women behind curtain number one start to take off their skimpy outfits.

My friend says. "No, just a back rub."

Then she claps her hands again, and all the women behind curtain number two start taking all their skimpy outfits off.

Then I said to her. "You don't understand, my friend only came here for a back rub."

Then she claps her hands again, and this totaly naked women jumps up on the table and starts wrapping her thighs around my neck.

I said. "No, back rub, just a back rub."

Then she claps her hands again. "And says okay back rub."

I said. "Yes, back rub."

Then she claps her hands again and the woman starts taking my shirt off.

I started to say to her that. "Its my friend that wanted the back rub and not me."

But I could see she was ready to clap her hands again. So, I just said. "Okay." Affraid of what would happen next if she claped her hands again.

So now this woman is giving me a back rub, and my friend says to the Lady. "What about the two of us?

So of course she claps her hands again, and one woman rushes over, and then she claps her hands again, and another woman rushes over. Then the Lady claps again, and the woman that was rubing my back walks away.

So, I'm thinking good. "The Lady has everything figured out at last."

So I gulp down the rest of my beer, thinking that my friends will just get their back rub now, and then we can get out of this strange place.

But no, I was wrong. The Lady says to me. "Would you like another beer?"

I said. "Thank you, but no, I'm fine."

Then the Lady says. "Come with me."

I said. "Come with you where?"

Then she says. "You have to get the second part of your back rub now. But I need you to lay down for it."

I said. "Why do I need to lay down for a back rup?"

She gave me a strange look and said. "Why do you have to ask so many questions?"

So then, she takes me into this room and points and says. "Lay here on your stomach."

Then she claps her hands again and before I know it a bunch of women are rubing their hands all over my back.

Then after a few minutes, the Lady says to me. "Turn over on your back."

So, I turn over and then the women start pouring all this lotion on me and then they start rubing up and down my chest. Then I feel one of the women lift my arms and pull them back all the way back behind my head. Then I feel some hands around my waist, and then in a split second, I feel my pants and shorts come sliding off.

Then I said. "No not this."

The Lady said. "Whats wrong?"

I said. "I don't want to have sex, just a back rub."

She says. "Okay no sex, but we can't do this with your clothes on."

I said okay. "But no sex."

As I said the words no sex, I could then feel the women spreading my legs wide apart. Then I felt the women spreading the lotion and rubing it all up and down my thighs. Then the women turned me over on my side and started to spread and rub the lotion all over my buttocks.

Then I heard laughing. I asked. "What are they laughing at?"

Then the Lady said. "The butterfly, they're laughing at the butterfly on your butt."

Then the Lady asked. "Why do you have a butterfly on your butt?"

I said. "I didn't think anyone would see it there."

She kept her promise, there was no sex, but was that ever one heck of a rub down. I just couldn't figure why they needed so many women to do the job.

When we walked out of the place at last.

I asked my friends. "Did the two of you have the same kind of rub down?"

They both replied. "No, just our backs."

I said. "I don't get it. Why would that Lady have the women do all that to me, and only have the women rub your backs?"

One of my friends smiled and said. "She just wanted to see you with your clothes off."

Then my other friend said. "Yeah, I think that Lady had the hots for you."

I guess I will really never know the real answer to that question, but whatever the reason, it was a great rub down. But I will always think of that Lady in Singapore if I see someone claping their hands a lot.

"You have a knack for getting yourself and your butterfly into the strangest situations." Tiffany Stone said laughing.


"So Tiffany Stone. May I ask what brought you to this island?" Bernice asked.

"Oh, thanks Bernice for reminding me. I'm here to get an exclusive interview from a famous Hollywood actress that has been hiding away here just a few doors away from you. It time for me to get going. Thanks for the hospitality, and Kevin, I'm sure Bernice will take care of those other cravings you have." Said Tiffany Stone.

"Oh yeah Tiffany, I'm anxious to try out my new water bed with Kevin." Bernice said.

"Oh two fantasies coming true in the same day, first Tiffany Stones gourmet cooking and now a romp in Bernice's new water bed. Well, at least I'm having a good time before they Court Martial me for going AWOL." Kevin said.

"Well, let me go and leave you to love birds alone now." Tiffany Stone said.

"Thanks for everything Tiffany, and by the way, I love your website Breakfast At Tiffany's." Kevin said

"Take my hand lover boy, its show time." Bernice said.

"Ready to break in that new water bed." Kevin said.

"I'm ready." Bernice replied.

After that great meal and spending a pleasant night with Bernice and her new waterbed, Kevin woke about the next morning feeling refreshed and confident. He took a quick shower and then tip toed out of the house while Bernice was still sleeping.

He then headed to the beach, looking for an answer.

He knew he must return, but he thought. "how?"

Now he could hear pounding feet off in the distance. He looked in the direction of the pounding feet and he could see a most beautiful woman coming toward him wearing jogging shorts and revealing a most beautiful pair of legs.

"Good morning Kevin." The beautiful woman said.

"Oh, your the beautiful vision I'm seeing Tiffany." He said.

"My God Kevin. How many Molsons did that woman give you last night? I'm wearing my old beat up jogging outfit."

Laughing, Kevin said. "I wasn't talking about the jogging outfit, but rather what a vision the owner of the outfit was."

"Thank you Kevin, but I'm not accustomed to getting compliments before I have my morning coffee." She said.

"I'm glad I got to see you one last time before I go." He said.

"Go where?" Tiffany Stone asked.

"I have to get back to the ship now. Could you say good bye to Bernice for me?"

"Kevin, don't you think you're really kind of pushing the love them and leave them envelope here? I mean really. What am I supposed to tell Bernice? I mean something like, hi Bernice, I saw Kevin on the beach when I was jogging this morning and I just want to tell you that he zapped himself back to his ship. You know, he just had pressing paper work."

"Yes, Tiffany, I see your point, but life is not entirely about love, there are other things and I just feel as if I shouldn't sheirk my responsibility any further. I had the pleasant interlude that I needed, but now I have to get back to work." He said.

"I admire your dedication Kevin. But just how do you propose to get back to the ship?"

"The same way I got here Tiffany, just as I did once before a very long time ago." He said.

"So there was more Kevin. Why didn't you tell me?" She said.

"I was affraid I would scare Bernice if I said anymore last night. I could already see that she was becoming frieghtened and she's not from the big city like I am." He said.

"Well, I'm from the big city and I'm a journalist, so you can at least tell me." Tiffany Stone said.

"I don't completly understand it myself Tiffany, but I know it has something to do with will power and concentration."

"So when did this happen to you before?" Tiffany Stone asked.

"It happened a long time ago. I was just in grade school. There was this really gifted Kid that was constantly being picked on by school bullies. The bullies would grab his hat, and throw it back and forth to eachother. The Kid was super smart, but he had no street smarts. So, one day his Dad asked me if I would walk him home from school, so the bullies wouldn't pick on him." Kevin said.

"So what does that have to do with this? Tiffany Stone asked.

"Well one day, I was waiting for him to come out of school and three of the Kids I knew from my class asked me to come across the street for a minute. They insisted that a Lady standing outside the Funeral Parlor was a genuine witch. I told them they were nuts. But they dared me. I didn't like to ever be dared, so I walked over to see their supposed witch." Kevin said

"What does that have to do with this? Tiffany Stone asked.

"Oh okay, I'll tell you. She introduced herself to me as a witch and when she did, I laughed at her and said, there are no such things as witches. Seconds after I said that, I found myself in a place that looked like Athens, but I was defiant and I guess my will power was stonger than her's, because I wished myself back to where I had been and then she was no more and my three class mates were completly stunned and never dared dare me again." Kevin said.

"Are you putting me on Kevin?" Said Tiffany Stone.

"No, but, I wish I were." Said Kevin.

"So what you're really saying is that somehow, you accidentaly transported your self here, because your desire to smell perfume overpowered your senses, and now that you had your little interlude here, you're just going to transport your self back and get back to business again." Tiffany Stone said.

"Exactly Tiffany. Your are amazingly perceptive." Kevin said.

"But don't you think that might be just a tad bit dangerous Kevin? Tiffany Stone said.

"Yes, it might be just a little bit dangereous, but the other alternative would be explaining how I got here in the first place." Kevin said

"I see what you mean. Guess the prospect of spending the rest of your life in a paded room is not the best prospect. Do what you must do, but hurry, I still haven't had my morning coffee yet. I think I may spike my coffee a bit, after this conversation were having." Said Tiffany Stone.

"Thanks for everything Tiffany, but I really have to go now." Kevin said.

"Sure, go Kevin, you had one of my gourmet meals, so why stick around. I guess I will just have to double check those ingredients I'm using." Said Tiffany Stone.

He closed his eyes to think and when he opened them again, he was back on board his ship. But what he was hearing was quite surprising.

He could hear a funeral service being broadcast over the 1MC. Then he could hear several crew members saying nice things about their friend Kevin.

He thought. "They think I'm dead, and I'm hearing my own funeral."

Just then, his friend John walked by and yelled. "You're alive, you're alive."

He answered. "Yes, I'm alive, but why does everyone think I'm dead."

Then John said. "They had been looking everywhere for you the last 48 hours, so they thought you must have gone overboard."

"I guess I sort of did go overboard in a way." Kevin replied.

John, then said. "Where were you all that time?"

Kevin, replied, "I was on an island off the Canadian mainland."

He said, "how did you get there?"

"I'm not really sure, but I think it had something to do with that green glow." He said.

"Oh that, we still can't get the instruments working right since that green glow thing." John said.

"Well, good luck trying to explain this to the Captain." Said John.

Kevin talked to the Captain later and showed him the newspaper and coaster he had from the island, as evidence that he really had been there.

He said, "I know this story seems strange, but I have an entire island of women that can collaborate that I was there."

The Captain smiled and said, just tell me one thing. "Why did you have the Admirals daughter listed as someone to notify if you became demised? Quite a long list of women on that list." The Captain said with a smile.

Kevin, a bit red faced now, replied. "Oh, she really was the Admirals daughter, I thought she was just putting me on."

Weeks went by and the Captain had a chance to verify his story.

The Captain said to him. "I know you will want to tell someone about this some day, but can you make me a promise? Wait for at least 20 years By that time, I will be happily retired." He said.

"Sure Captain, you got it." Kevin replied.

So what really happened that day? Will we ever know for sure? Was there a reason why Kevin needed that interlude? Were forces at work that we can't understand?

Here's what we do know. Shortly after Kevin's return to his ship, GQ(General Quarters) was called because a Russian submarine was getting to close to the Aircaft Carrier that Kevin's ship was escorting.

It was Kevin's job to determine if the submarine was over the allowed distance to the Carrier. Everyone that day thought that the submarine had breached the allowed boundries but Kevin.

The ultimate decision was with Kevin to fire or not to fire. Later it was determined that Kevin's decision not to fire was correct. Did that pleasant interlude take just enough stress off Kevin to think and act clearly?

We can never be certain for sure. But we do know that we did manage to avoid a nuclear conflict that could have destroyed the entire world.

11:46 PM - 8/22/2005 - post comment