Well what can l say I'm feeling really lost today, my back is sore, my hips are sore and lve lost the man l love. 

Our relationship as G calls it started off one month ago.  To start the first week was a week of romance and getting to what l thought was know each other.  As l was away and not in the same town our first week was one of phone calls, texts and email chatting.  It was great l found a man who loved me (Later l would say he had no idea what he wanted).   When l came back into town i tried to clean my house as l had left it in a utter pigsty when l left due to the fact l didnt expect to find this man while l was away.

I had my daughter Tiana staying with me that night that l returned and said to G that l didnt want him to come over as l was worried what Tiana might think where really it was l didnt want him to see my house the way it was.  That caused a huge thing between us as he didnt want to be in a relationship with someone where the 4 year old ran the household. I dont know how but he ended up saying he would come over which was great l got in my car with Tiana in the back seat but got pulled over and got forbidden to drive as my license had expired, and l was driving with a unristrained child, no rego no warrent.  I was so upset that l had done this to not only me but to G as well and Tiana.  But he still came over this was the first night we made love.  It was very quick and over and done with but l felt so happy as it was with a man who l thought loved me and l loved him. 

That was where it all started the first week it was wonderful, the cuddling and kisses.  The love making nearly every night, the showing him to my parents. In my eyes it was great.  But things started to break, the argueing got more regular, the nagging from G to do things or stay off the computer, the stress and control on me.  I just let this happen l wanted a man who would love me and if his controlling was the way to show me so be it.  In the end we broke up as he was sick of nagging me, argueing etc.  It broke my heart, my friend Michelle went online and had a go at him but found out the truth about things.  The he was ashamed to be with me, the Sex was bad (Even though l was told he had never meet a woman who was so sexual and if the sex dropped he would leave, we were basically having sex daily), and that his friends and family had helped him choose what he wanted as they had meet me and him together (This was a huge lie as l had only met his adopted brother, step father and mother, all of which hadnt even really spoke to me other than the Step brother).  I dont know why but l couldnt stop texting him, or trying to email him.  But something worked as he decided he could be my friend.

Well that was a week ago, the friend thing.  In that time we had seen each other a handful of times, which was great as l got my space that l so dearly love, and he got his.  On the Saturday he took me and Tiana to the fireworks as l didnt want to have to worry about parking space.  I was expecting to just have him drop us off and then pick us up but he came with us (As much as l was ok with this l wasnt as it was to be a Tiana and my event), But that night we mde love (Im a weak person), and he took my bike so he could put it together as my mate Michael didnt turn up to do it.  So that was all fine l thought hell whats happened here as it felt like a complete turn around from the wanting to get away to the sexual pleasures.  The next time was on the Sunday when he dropped the bike off, that was fine it was only a quick visit.   And the last one was last night, l asked him to pick me up at the bottom of Mangorei Rd as l was going to drop some of his pamphlets off for him, so l did the whole road took me about 1 hour 45 minutes to walk it, but hell l was ok with that as it was helping him as they were getting out and also helping me as l needed a walk.  So that was ok, we went for another walk after we had finished down the beach foreshore walkway, that was good there was some flirting going on, which was great but confusing.  I had my dinner when l came home and then had a shower.  The sex was ok, l didnt even want to cum with him l just didnt feel the urge to.  So here l am trying to pleasure a guy and thinking should l just fake it but that wasnt something l wanted to do as l class that as horrible if l cant cum well l dont.

So that was fine, afterwards we were sitting there talking, like have you had sex in water, just sexual chat as we were watching a film called better sexual techniques.  All of a sudden he went really weird saying this was weird and creepy.  Ended up taking me to my car and for over a hour just yelling at each other, I didnt want a bloody relationship with him, l did want to have sex with him (I would be lying to say l didnt), l just wanted a friend, someone to support me in my down times yet be there for me in my good.  But G just couldnt be that person.

Ive now been told that if l text him or phone him he will get a ristraining order on me, in some sense l think hes all shit, but in others l think he could do it.  Its heart breaking as l love this man, l have no idea why, but l do.

Its just lm going to have to listen to him, or at least try to as if l dont l will end up with the police coming around me.  God the tears are running as all l wanted was a friend, and lve stuffed that all up even trying, the texting him things l was doing in the day was getting to him, hell l wish he just said look your texting to much and lm busy etc.  I would have stopped he probably thinks l wouldnt have.

So thats where lm at, the tears will flow for a few days yet but l have to keep going, l have a new job, weight loss, Tiana, and most of all keeping my house clean.  Ive changed my NZ Dating ad, so l hope that that brings in someone if not well lm not meant to be.....