The arguements between me and G are becoming all to fuckin regular.  Im hating having him called me a fat ass and to get off it, right down to telling me l cant hold a conversation, or eat properly as l eat with my mouth open.  Im hating myself more and more everyday with this. 

If only l could get a sign as to what to do.

What can l say.... Well today l have had a shit day really, people giving me shit all day and then this evening its just been hell with G.

This afternoon the hornyness that has been between the 2 of us got the better of us, but now hes being a fuckin pysco, l cant do anything right and lm just getting my head bitten off.

Im here in tears and am in the mind set fuck him he can have all the presents that l have for his xmas and l dont want nothing from him as they arent even brought with thought behind them.  Its making me all upset and wanting to cry as how can l allow myself to have someone like this around me.

Got Tiana tomorrow night so that will be eventful l am sure, missing her so will see how things go.

What a day its been, its nearly 11pm and its raining something cronic outside.  I just pray it doesnt thunder.

My friend Wendy called me today which was good to hear from her, she was just cheaking on how l was.  As l said to her lm not thinking of killing myself just yet.

I went and brought G another xmas present, a book that he looked at the other day.  Hope he likes it.

Brought Tiana some chocolates that will be from Santa, hoping that my parents will budge and let me have Tiana for xmas, like really hoping that they do but if they dont cant do much about it all l know is l wont be going to do the whole happy families thing.

I had some takeaways for dinner and have been sick since, l had a nice hot bath that G ran for me so that was nice to have someone caring about me. Going to end it here as l think its going to do the thunder and lighting soon.

The rest of my week has been surprisingly ok.  Ive been told lm not having Tiana back till l am happier in myself but the problem is my parents dont realise the way l get treated is what is making me uphappy with myself.

Im missing my little girl quite alot really, lm missing the night time cuddles when shes sound asleep to the morning wakeups with "Mum can l have some ice cream" as much as that little phrase is annoying its funny as lm missing it so much.

Ive cleaned out Tiana's room and got rid of all the shit that was in there, but lm keeping the doll and her clothes, the crayons for drawing etc, and some clothes for her if she was to come over.  I hope that will happen sooner rather than later really but hell if it doesnt what can l do.  My mate Jane has called me today havent heard from her in such along time but shes been really busy with her degree so just put in her final assignment for this first year so happy for her.  We talked for like 50 minutes about life in general - shes invited me to the community xmas lunch on xmas day so am considering going along to it.  Also had a phone call from a friend called Wendy, only a short call to ask me if l want to go to see the movie about the Lion the Witch and the wardrobe.  Told her its not really a movie that l would go to, but G is saying that l should go.  Me and G are getting on ok, hes gone into Tiana's room which is so much better as it gives us both our own space rather than being in each others bed.  Missing the intimacy, but hell its better to be as friends than anything that isnt going to go anywhere. 

So my week is going ok at the moment, spoke to Tiana today which was great to hear her little voice.  Told my dad that l have stuff to bring over as l had cleaned her room up but he said that it wasnt a good day to bring it over as it was raining, but when my mum rang up to check if l had done a CD for Tiana's xmas she went and tried to have a go about me bring over the shit to her house.  God l cant do anything right with that family at the moment.

If you have msn you can get me on spotty108@hotmail.com this is for messenger as well. Thanks to Claire for your ongoing comments it really makes me feel at ease knowing someone is watching out for me on this cyber world.

Well its been so long since l went and did a update on things,  Not much has really happened apart from the fact that tonight l have gotten so low that l had contemplated taking a whole heap of Tiana's pamol that is in the fridge.

My parents decided tonight that l wouldnt have Tiana which has just made me so upset and mad.  It was pure luck that G came home when he did as l was actually writing a suicide note to him.  Weve had a huge talk and lm ok now still upset but not much l can really do about it now. 

So Tiana is at my parents house sleeping l am well and truely sure, she had a daycare xmas party today which she had fun with her little friends etc.   The whole G and me thing well we are just friends we have established that now so that is a good thing, he has been sleeping in his car but for the past few days has been sleeping on my lounge floor which is ok with me.

I have had a good week, considering not having G around, Im missing him quite alot really but not like l can do much about it.

Its slowly dawned on me that there is only 15 sleeps till xmas.

Tiana is getting really excited, I got my TV l won today and its great so pleased l got a great deal,.

Well the heart has been broken again, G has left the house again so now lm on my own feeling rather numb from all the pain lm feeling.

Im wanting to cry but the tears just wont come, lm wanting to text him but his phone is dead and l have the charger, so that means he will be back some day soon to get the charger for his phone.

Im worried where hes sleeping and if hes alright but l cant stop thinking l shouldnt be doing that.  I went and saw Tiana last night after l treated her like shit while he was here, l felt so bad it wasnt funny.  I just want to cuddle Tiana so she knows l love her so much as l do.

So lm just waiting for G to come back and get this charger for his phone, l just wish he would hurry up and do it as l cant be waiting here for ever thinking he will be back soon.

Im so annoyed with myself, why is it l invite G to live with me only to have someone control all that l do.  I fuckin hate the fact that l have now gone and bloody broken my heart again, due to the fact that all my past feelings of love have come back to haunt me.

Yesterday was a great concert for Tiana, she did really well in it.  Shit has hit the fan though with G and me, lm finding myself hating being in my own house.  Im being treated like shit by the man that l honestly for some reason thought was starting to love me again.

The tears and anger are just rolling and rolling from my eyes and mouth, the fact that lm beginning to hate G is probably a good thing on his part as in the end l will be able to let him go like he has so longed.

Hes gone and taken Tiana to the hardware store because of the way l have been treating her worse than a dog, but the fact is lm getting treated the same way by him. I cant handle this arguing or hate towards each other anymore. I just want things to be the way they were.  Its the hearing him say lm his better half, which in my eyes is saying lm his girlfriend but in his world l am not.  Why.....

The times where lve gone and written how much l love him and his turning and writing Glenn says ditto is that not telling someone they are special to you like a girlfriend is.  Or the times where lve said l love you when lve gone to sleep and hes gone and said it back to me. 

When will this pain stop, one day soon l hope

What a day its been Tiana has had her Ballet practise this morning and now lm just cooking dinner for her as she has her concert at 5.30 but it wont finish till about 9pm or even 10 which is to bloody late for a little girl.

WAHOOOO I have lost 1kg this week, how great is that for me.

Its been a great day, had the people in to do my bathrooom, they have only managed to get the old wallpaper stripped so will be back later in the week to do the rest.

Also changing my number, wish it was done today but oh well it will be done when its done.

What a day it was yesterday, It was my brothers 3rd Anniversary of his death, and l had a pretty hard time with it all. I kept it pretty much together for most of the day till later on that night.

I went out to my parents house and just argued with this about something that has gone down with Tiana's swimming, lm now not allowed to take her to her swimming as apparently l have been having huge screaming and yelling matches with the swimming instructor hehe, l would love to know when these huge arguements have happened.

G, was great last night, when l got home he must have seen how up tight l was, as he played a song called No Doubt by Petra and it was just so right for that time, saying that l will make it threw this hard time etc. I just broke down into tears and cried thankfully he came and gave me a hug which was so what l needed.

Tiana had her ballet practise today, what a utter waste of bloody time it was taking her there.  All they did was go on and off with bloody green masks on them. I had KFC for dinner but had a Salad so that was ok.

Yawning heaps so will be off to bed in a minute, it was funny tonight G was talking about how l was the last thing he saw before going to sleep and the first thing he saw when he woke up.  I was like ohhhhh how sweet it was like no its called honesty hehe.

I went and got my hair done today, spent $76 on myself which doesnt normally happen, so its blonded more and cut so that is good, needed it badly.

Having a great week so far, Me and G are getting on great no fighting which in my eyes is great.

Worked last night, had a better shift than what l have had in the past, Did the fishtank on Sunday so that has turned out great. Been doing really well with getting the house up to standard.

Me and G did my room on the weekend bringing up some drawers that l had downstairs so that was funny to have someone else to think about since l havent had it this way in such a long time.

Tianas got Ballet practise tonight at 4pm so that will be good, shes also got it on Thursday at 6 then Friday and then 2 times on Saturday.

Got a couple of loads of washing to put out and the rest of the lounge to do.

What a busy weekend its been, Tiana had her ballet stuff on Friday and then she had another practise on Saturday.

So that was good to see her being that little flower that she is going to be.

Ive cleaned my room today so that is a good thing, and mowed part of the lawns yesterday till l broke my lawnmower.

G has come back at the moment due to some stuff going on down at home but that is great, its making things alot easier  on myself.

Over all a great weekend, loving the time that lm having with G and hoping it doesnt end to quickly.

Well l did my last meals on wheels today, last night l did a short shift at the resthome well what a day that was.

I got treated like shit by one of the residents - l went and said would you like some help up love and l got told Get away from me. I was quite offended by it to, put in a complaint to the manager but do you think she did anything about it no.

I managed to not text G yesterday at all, and its funny today hes gone and sent me a text saying would l like KFC for dinner, so hes coming over for dinner tonight.  Lets see how we got on, not going to talk much about me.

Tiana had ballet today, it was good to see her so happy but there is a concert next week when l mentioned to the tutor that l couldnt afford a ticket to go ($15 + $10 for the costume) l got told well she wouldnt be in the concert.  Rather offended by it really.

Well today hasnt been a good day emotionally at all, l went to the doctor today as lm a mess with Logans 3rd year anniversary of his death coming up.  He has gone and uped my medication from 300mg to 400mg at night.  My doctor was great to talk to about it all, so lm pleased l felt right in myself to go and see him.

Tonight lve been in tears, been laughing alsorts.  I gave G a letter tonight saying whats been happening and how l wanted his forgiveness but l dont think its got me far at all. I spoke to my mate Michael and we had a good chat so that was good to catch up with him, hes told me to text him or call if l want to chat so that is great.  Its weird l felt so alone that l was becoming dependant on G just to feel happy. Missing Tiana tonight just wanting one of those cuddles you get from your little girls hehe.

Well what a day its been, Today l did the last of my Meals on Wheels which was ok I told them l wouldnt be able to do them tomorrow even though they had me listed down (I told Jenny before she went away that l wouldnt be able to do it). Theres lots going down there at the moment to do with a event that happened the other night between a resident and a staff member which l managed to get in the middle of (LUCKY ME, NOT!!!)

I had to go to the doctors this morning to get a form filled for Tiana, that was ok, and then l went and got a list of how many times lve been to the doctors and how much its cost etc.  It worked out that it had cost me $583 to go to the doctors this year, as well as another $119 at another place.  Then l had my scripts on top of that which was $206 so alot of things that l have paid for etc.

Took them to my parents as they have Health Insurance for me and Tiana, so that was good they will get a good pay out (80% back, which l will see nothing of, but hey cant expect to much as they pay all my insurances).

I called G tonight saying that l would deliver some pamplets tonight but he would have to pick me up at the bottom of one of the streets as l wouldnt walk the whole lot, well that just caused a arguement, him saying just chuck them in the rubbish and not to deliver them (CONFUSING).

Going to bed early as feeling sick.

Well that is me just had a reasonably good day.

We got up early for Tiana's school visit well she was very clingy which is very much unlike Tiana.  She wouldnt go play with the little girls who were her buddy let alone sit on the mat at mat time.

But thankfully at the end of it she was ok, she said to me "Mummy you wont go till l tell you to ah" how cute is that.

We have arranged another visit for next Monday as they wanted me to go to the two rooms as they dont know what class she will be in due to the fact that she wont be starting till next year.

I called G tonight to say hey lve had enough of our arguing, so that felt good to finally stand up and say that to him.  I had a ex of mine when l was  a teenager over which was funny l gave him a massage which was great to get the practise in, but then at the end he gave me one which of course ended up in adult teasing.  Did Meals on Wheels which was great only 4 people to deliver to today so that was good, my last day tomorrow, and have work tomorrow night.

So its good to have had some client work done (Giving a massage) and having some affection shown to me.

What a good day l have had, Tiana had to go to Jarods party today which was ok.

We were running late for Meals on Wheels as l had to go and buy some more paper as Tiana spewed all over the paper yesterday on his present, So we got to Meals on Wheels at about 11.35am.  They were all like panicing as they thought l had forgotten it was like no.

So after that we did a quick trip home to wrap the present, but on the way home Tiana was sick again so lve come to the conclusion that she must be like me as a child suffering Car sickness.  So we got the present done and took her to her party which she loved.

Was funny seeing all the kids that have gone off to school, so that was a good afternoon didnt get home till after 3.

Did some cleaning tonight so pretty happy with myself and feeling alot happier actually.

Got Tiana's school visit tomorrow so shes been told you either go to sleep now or your not going to school in the morning, she decided she wanted some Apple, Banana, and Orange with some chips for morning Tea, dont know how she will fit it all in but l am sure she will if she wants it.

Shes got her clothes all set out on her bed as well so shes going to choose what to wear in the morning.

My god my little girl is growing to quickly for me

Well l didnt update last night, how bad that is (Not really)

I had such a BUSY day, l had Meals on Wheels, then Weight Watchers (Bloody gained again, but not a surprise up to 140.3kg now), then had to pick up Tiana for swimming, then to Ballet (which finished late so l was running late for work) then work and then out to my parents to pick up Tiana to take her home and hit the sack.

I slept all night it was such a nice sleep as well.

Today l had to do Meals on Wheels again, but thats ok only thing is l have a new person on my list so l am basically going from one side of town to the other.  rather annoyed about it really.

Afterwards Tiana had what l thought was a birthday party today but it worked out it wasnt.  Tiana started Spewing at the bottom of the lift so thank god it wasnt today, l took her home and gave her a nice warm shower (she was in there for about 15 minutes hehe) she had a sleep after that.  But when she woke up she was complaining of having a headache.  So l rang the healthline and told them about what shes been like etc, and they said to take her up the hospital so did that.  We were there for just on 2 hours, turns out Tiana has a virus and shes on stuff to stop her being sick and Pamol.  Found out later tonight that G actually was coming in to see us as we were driving out. 

That whole situation with G is confusing really, as if he didnt care for us surely he wouldnt come to see us at the hospital. I dont know if l am right for thinking that but thats what l think.

Tonight he rang up to say he wasnt coming over to see me like he said he would, as he had had a few beers but thats ok l was only going to use him for his body hehehe, and it works out hes got some more pamplets printed so that means techniquely hes using me for my body to deliver them hehe, so funny in the long run.

Did some cleaning of the house this afternoon as l have been slack this past week really, did a roast chicken for dinner as well. So other than the Vomiting and Headache weve had a pretty good day

Well what a night l have had, at work there was a arguement between a resident and a staff member which just keep going on and on and on.  I ended up saying will this just stop now please.

Just had G around which was ok, l had a cry about how l am missing my brother so much and how l am feeling guilty about missing him and not going to see his site where he died in awhile. I havent been doing much in the way of eating properly at all, today l would have eaten well in excess of my points.

Then as for exercise, l havent gone out of the house to do exercise, but have been doing well over 6000 steps a day which constitutes as weight.

My house work well that has dropped as well, l havent done any work as l have been so tired from working all day that when l come home l just want to blob which is such the wrong thing to do.

I need to improve myself or l will go back to bad ways, and that isnt what l want, l dont even like the fact that at the moment l am in a low patch with only 13 days till my brother has been dead 3 years.  Im missing him like crazy and feel so much guilt in myself for not missing him etc.  Im sure Logan (My brother) came in my dream last night, l had this dream that he put a message on a wall for me and it said something along the lines of "I love you and are missing you and your smile" something like that but then l think did that happen.