Well thats me just finished another weeks worth of PD, l got told today that l have 535 hours left to go.  To bloody much to tell the truth.

At PD today there was a guy that l used to know years ago, it was quite funny as back then no one liked me or so l thought so l would get this guy to have sex with me but l would buy his pot for the week so it was quite funny seeing him again.

Today l was cleaning this building that we are doing up for a local community organisation.  So yeah it was great scrubing floors, dusting etc.

Tonight lm cooking Mini Sausages for dinner, will have to put one some other vegies now.

Also thanks to all you that have passed on messages your messages are greatfully recieved.

I do think G has some feelings for me he just doesnt know what hes missing yet.

Yeah well today is finally over, just about to go to bed only to have to get up again tomorrow morning and go do another day of PD.

G's just left here, its so funny we say were not going to have sex yet everytime he comes over we do end up having sex.

I just told him l loved him, and said it might be hard to believe it but l do.  He turned around and said what seemed like under his breath l believe it.

It works out that l will be getting just under $48 on Thursday for my first week of pay, its so great as that is money that l wouldnt normally have so yeah.

Worked today, and man we must be going into a full moon as the residents went weird and shitty, man it is so true as l was driving home l saw the full moon or at least close to one.

For PD today we were de nailing wood, but it was out in the sun on the foreshore so a great spot to be doing it, only thing is l am now red from sun burn.  Silly old me didnt think till after 2pm to put sunblock on. So will be sore sore sore for a few days l am sure.

PD is Periodic Detention, before l had my daughter l declared Insolvancy (Bankruptcy) well anyway when l had Tiana l went to go back studying and on the student loan forms it says are you currently bankrupt, or undischarged bankrupt.  So l was ticking no as it didnt mention Insolvancy. 

Under the legal eyes that is classed as fraud so l now have to go and do this wonderful (NOT) day per week.

But this week lm having to do today and tomorrow

What a night lve just had, I got to work and it was full on the whole time.  But it was great having that early finish.

Did a huge amount of stuff as well.

I have finished downloading the Crowded House CD that l wanted so that is great, told G to bring a CD over and he can get a copy of it so that is ok he will be here tomorrow after l have finished work.

I have PD tomorrow morning starting at 9 normally meant to be 8 but they are letting me start early, so l will finish at 4 starting work again at 5 so that is ok, finishing at 8 so not to long.

Tiana's school she is going to start at gave me a call today saying she can have a school visit on Monday next week so that is great she will be very excitied.

Well today has been a reasonably good day, l went into the Rest Home and told Jenny that l am only really interested in Short Shifts at the moment, so l have 4 Short Shifts this week, Mon, Tue, Thur, and Friday.  But l also have to do Meals on Wheels from Thursay to Tuesday next week but that is ok its 1 hour of my time and l get paid for it when normally l shouldnt be.

Today for some reason lve just wanted to be held close in G's arms, l havent gone and told him this as it would only cause problems l am sure.  We had a bit of a disagreement last night, as the way things are with Tiana and my parents they have so much control over what happens in my life where they shouldnt.  I just wish l could manage to have Tiana fulltime but l cant and l have to remember that and look into other areas where she is cared for but we all see her etc.

Breaks my heart that l just cant have a life that l want, that would be a happy family, with a daughter who loved staying with me but the way things are going at the moment that wont be in the too near future.

Will write later to tell you how my shift went.

Well last night me and Tiana went to the fireworks in town as there was some triatholon on so that was great, Tiana had a ball seeing all them going off etc.  Afterwards when we came home I chucked her into bed as shes been quite wheezy today so will have to take her to the doctors today.

Anyways G came over, to do some work on the computer.  I was fine with that as he doesnt have a good computer.  I had a bath while he was doing work, and then l lay in my bed playing with myself.  I dont know what came over me but l sent him a text basically saying l would love for him to come threw and join me.  Well within minutes he had come threw and stripped off to nakedness.  He helped me to orgasm and then we had sex, it was so great making love to him again.  But l have to decide in myself what lm wanting at the moment lm letting this man control how lm feeling.  I told him straight the way it was, l didnt want a relationship (Utter bullshit) that l just wanted friendly sex (some of that is true).  But the thing is he knew how l felt as l gave him another letter l wrote to him during the week, l wasnt intending for him to see it but silly old me forgot to take it out of the printer tray.

Here is what l wrote....

G,

When l was with you l felt like one person,

One person who could concur the world,

A person who knows what love is and what it is to love again.

I want to feel this person everyday of my life,

To feel that love you´ve given me

But l just can´t do it

I sit here listening to the waves as they crash into shore, wondering of you. I watch as the rain streams slow and wonder are you watching the rain drops to. I long for you to be beside me, embracing me.

I want to be able to look into your eyes and see the soul I've come to know. I hear your voice, but I long to see the expressions as you speak. I sit here trying to find you and hearing only the waves as they crash into shore.

My love for you is so real,

I want to dance with you at night, while remembering what we´ve had in life.

To call you daring and sweet heart till we die.

To cry together when the times are hard, yet smile when they are great.

To look over photos of our years together.

To sit with you, holding hands and remembering what we´ve had

But we just can´t have it.

So he knows what lm wanting but hes also knowing that lm accepting l cant have what l want.

Whats to happen from here no one knows but god above us.

I want him in my life but l dont in other senses.

Well l am missing him hugely today, He came and picked up a chair for me as hes a builder and l broke my chair as it has wooden legs.  God just seeing him made me go horny as.

This is so wrong, how can l want him even though hes not wanting me.

Tiana went to a birthday party today, and that was great we were lucky and got the lunch part done down at the beach before it rained.  Hopefully its not raining later tonight as there is meant to be some fireworks in town as there is a Triatholon on. 

G said he would come and use my printer this evening l was like thats ok, as hes going to mow my lawns sometime soon so l said to him that is ok, l would rather help him out than pay him for mowing my lawns.

Why do l let myself get attached again, This is something l need to stop.  I know that l will get horny as this afternoon when he comes.  Will have to get rid of that before he comes.

Well today has been quite a hard day, lve missed talking to G, even went and sent him some texts as l broke my chair and didnt know if he could fix it or not.

I wrote this to him and then called to read it.....

G,

To say l didn´t love you would be a lie in itself.  My one thing l have done wrong is try to care for you as a person when l don´t even care for myself as a person.  But know this one thing, l love you so much and always will.  The only thing is l will have to forget the love that l have for you as if l was to continue trying to show you the love, l would make myself sick.

For some reason l truly thought that we would be able to maintain a friendship that would be Honest, Caring with all the other qualities l want in a friend, but l have found over time that you just cant be that person.  As much as this breaks my heart l have to accept this.  My life has changed dramatically in this past month.  I have known what it is like to love again, to like myself for the things l have done, Right down to caring if l get out of bed.  This is all thanks to you, so l owe you a huge thank you for helping me to see l am worthy of this.  There are things in life that are meant to happen, well l fully believe you are something that is meant to happen in my life to show me the things l need to better in myself down to showing me how to care for myself and my wellbeing.  How l ask am l meant to forget all these things, well it will take time but l will have to do it, the texting and trying to talk to you will be the hardest thing as l so want you to be a part of my life but l know that you just couldn´t do that, this just brings tears to my eyes, as lve never felt a love like this and its almost like l don´t want it to end even though l know in myself that it must. 

Know in yourself that l have loved you so much in this past month, and only wish that it could continue on further.  The romance that it was in Nelson, as much as l long for this that was a week long stint that unfortunately will never return. It will just be a memory in my mind.  Just know that other than that first nights lie about the house l have NEVER lied to you again, and l never plan to.  You were the light of my darkest days, the stars and moon in my night sky, the flower in my meadow, right down to the man l would have loved to later call my husband.  These are the things l will remember of our time together.  I am sure you will have some things that you will remember be it negative or positive, they are things that are pure to you.

So with this last paragraph l leave you with this, l have loved you like no other, and l have hopes that you get what you want out of life G, May you remember me for the good things and not all the bad things that have happened, for l know l will remember you as that caring man who helped me to love myself.

Thank you for that,

You´re Skank

Colleen

I just felt l needed to write how l was feeling down on paper, l went to my parents tonight and my mums like oh Colleen you will love this new guy l have set up for you etc, l was like well give me his email address.  Its funny a few days ago l didnt want to know but today its like well l might as well give it ago.

I was going to go to dancing tonight but didnt feel like going in the end, l have a massage set for me to do in the morning so that will be good to finally have a client to do.  Then l have work at 3.30pm so it will be a late night for me tomorrow night, l will have to organise dinner before l go.

Well what can l say I'm feeling really lost today, my back is sore, my hips are sore and lve lost the man l love. 

Our relationship as G calls it started off one month ago.  To start the first week was a week of romance and getting to what l thought was know each other.  As l was away and not in the same town our first week was one of phone calls, texts and email chatting.  It was great l found a man who loved me (Later l would say he had no idea what he wanted).   When l came back into town i tried to clean my house as l had left it in a utter pigsty when l left due to the fact l didnt expect to find this man while l was away.

I had my daughter Tiana staying with me that night that l returned and said to G that l didnt want him to come over as l was worried what Tiana might think where really it was l didnt want him to see my house the way it was.  That caused a huge thing between us as he didnt want to be in a relationship with someone where the 4 year old ran the household. I dont know how but he ended up saying he would come over which was great l got in my car with Tiana in the back seat but got pulled over and got forbidden to drive as my license had expired, and l was driving with a unristrained child, no rego no warrent.  I was so upset that l had done this to not only me but to G as well and Tiana.  But he still came over this was the first night we made love.  It was very quick and over and done with but l felt so happy as it was with a man who l thought loved me and l loved him. 

That was where it all started the first week it was wonderful, the cuddling and kisses.  The love making nearly every night, the showing him to my parents. In my eyes it was great.  But things started to break, the argueing got more regular, the nagging from G to do things or stay off the computer, the stress and control on me.  I just let this happen l wanted a man who would love me and if his controlling was the way to show me so be it.  In the end we broke up as he was sick of nagging me, argueing etc.  It broke my heart, my friend Michelle went online and had a go at him but found out the truth about things.  The he was ashamed to be with me, the Sex was bad (Even though l was told he had never meet a woman who was so sexual and if the sex dropped he would leave, we were basically having sex daily), and that his friends and family had helped him choose what he wanted as they had meet me and him together (This was a huge lie as l had only met his adopted brother, step father and mother, all of which hadnt even really spoke to me other than the Step brother).  I dont know why but l couldnt stop texting him, or trying to email him.  But something worked as he decided he could be my friend.

Well that was a week ago, the friend thing.  In that time we had seen each other a handful of times, which was great as l got my space that l so dearly love, and he got his.  On the Saturday he took me and Tiana to the fireworks as l didnt want to have to worry about parking space.  I was expecting to just have him drop us off and then pick us up but he came with us (As much as l was ok with this l wasnt as it was to be a Tiana and my event), But that night we mde love (Im a weak person), and he took my bike so he could put it together as my mate Michael didnt turn up to do it.  So that was all fine l thought hell whats happened here as it felt like a complete turn around from the wanting to get away to the sexual pleasures.  The next time was on the Sunday when he dropped the bike off, that was fine it was only a quick visit.   And the last one was last night, l asked him to pick me up at the bottom of Mangorei Rd as l was going to drop some of his pamphlets off for him, so l did the whole road took me about 1 hour 45 minutes to walk it, but hell l was ok with that as it was helping him as they were getting out and also helping me as l needed a walk.  So that was ok, we went for another walk after we had finished down the beach foreshore walkway, that was good there was some flirting going on, which was great but confusing.  I had my dinner when l came home and then had a shower.  The sex was ok, l didnt even want to cum with him l just didnt feel the urge to.  So here l am trying to pleasure a guy and thinking should l just fake it but that wasnt something l wanted to do as l class that as horrible if l cant cum well l dont.

So that was fine, afterwards we were sitting there talking, like have you had sex in water, just sexual chat as we were watching a film called better sexual techniques.  All of a sudden he went really weird saying this was weird and creepy.  Ended up taking me to my car and for over a hour just yelling at each other, I didnt want a bloody relationship with him, l did want to have sex with him (I would be lying to say l didnt), l just wanted a friend, someone to support me in my down times yet be there for me in my good.  But G just couldnt be that person.

Ive now been told that if l text him or phone him he will get a ristraining order on me, in some sense l think hes all shit, but in others l think he could do it.  Its heart breaking as l love this man, l have no idea why, but l do.

Its just lm going to have to listen to him, or at least try to as if l dont l will end up with the police coming around me.  God the tears are running as all l wanted was a friend, and lve stuffed that all up even trying, the texting him things l was doing in the day was getting to him, hell l wish he just said look your texting to much and lm busy etc.  I would have stopped he probably thinks l wouldnt have.

So thats where lm at, the tears will flow for a few days yet but l have to keep going, l have a new job, weight loss, Tiana, and most of all keeping my house clean.  Ive changed my NZ Dating ad, so l hope that that brings in someone if not well lm not meant to be.....

Well l have done over 10,000 steps today which lm bloody proud of.  Tonight l went and dropped some of G's pamphlets around the neighbourhood. 

Got him to pick me up at the end of the street which took me 2 hours to walk basically.  We came home and had sex which was great, to feel him inside me etc.

But since then things have gone from good to bad, l am now not able to text him, call or visit as he wants nothing to do with me. 

Im crying cause lm in pain, l thought he loved me but he didnt, l thought he cared for me but he didnt.  Why did l even think he did

Well lots has happened in one day, l have now got a job which is great.  Started last night at the Rest Home which was great.  Im sore today but hell l have to be sore for the amount of steps l walked in one 6 hour stint. 4400 steps so l would say l would have done close to say 7500 steps for the day.

I went to WINZ and got a grant for some shoes and pants as l needed them for work, so that was good.

G was really happy for me to find a job which was really cool, When l told my parents they were all like whos going to look after Tiana etc, which was really annoying as they complained l was just living off the benefit when l didnt have a job but now that l have one they are going to complain more.

So l did a 4.30pm to 10.30pm, last night was a good shift really was only meant to be a 5pm, to 8pm but Jenny needed me to stay on as she had no one else there but Me, Nancy (another short shift person) and Jenny as the afternoon person had called up sick,  Sounds like l will be getting lots of shifts which is great lve been told lm allowed to earn $100 gross (before tax) a week before it will affect my benefit so that is good. 

Otherwise finding a job and getting clothing etc was my day, l had to ring the lady l was going to give a massage to at 2pm yesterday and apologise that l couldnt make it which was ok by her, so going to give her a call and see if she would like me to do the massage today or tonight.

Well what a night l had last night.  We had a taco style dinner last night with nachos chips which Tiana loved. 

G came and picked us up at 8.30 to go to the huge fireworks display as l didnt want to have to worry about parking etc, so that was great of him to do that for me. Considering l was just expecting him to drop us off and then come back later but he came up with us so that was good, must say it felt almost like a family outing which is really bad for me to think that.

When we came back l got Tiana into bed and then well lets just say l got some fireworks of my own which was totally unexpected due to the fact l thought G wasnt attracted to me (Long story).  So l went to bed so happy it wasnt funny and slept all night like a baby.

Would love for it to happen again sometime soon but hey cant expect things over night to happen now can l, all l know is next time it will be protected sex not that lm really worried as l have a mirena which is meant to be just as good as getting your tubes tied if not better. 

So G has got the mountain bike putting it together for me as my mate Michael was meant to do it but didnt turn up so am pissed with him for saying yes he would be here in 2 hours if he wasnt going to.  But hey his Girlfriend is more important at this time l guess.

Well what can l say.......

Yesterday l had Weight Watchers and found out that l had put on 600gms.

How annoying is that.

Val the leader said its probably due to all the exercise l have been doing, so l bloody hope so as it was annoying to think l had put on when l really wanted to drop. In the morning l did a 30 minute session of exercise with the local radio station as its push play day it was a great way to get that exercise done for the day.  They told me about a 7km relay tomorrow was trying to get out of it as l dont have 3 people to do it with.

But.....

Today me and Tiana went and did a 7km walk, which was great it was a Push Play thing.  We came last but that wasnt the point it was more that l had done the whole 7kms.

I won a recipe book, a pedometer and Tiana got a tee shirt and a ball.

It was great, as we were the last ones everyone was cheering us on (Embarassing for those first few minutes).

Missing G, but hell its just great to be able to talk to him.  Today he was cheering me on via texts so that was good, he worked out it took me 1 hour 27 minutes to do that 7km walk so lm so proud of myself as l did it with no ones help.

Well l am starting a new era.  I have started doing decent walking along the foreshore and other places which is getting my heart rate up to a good standard as l end the walking sweating a puffing so that is a plus.

Today l went and did a push play thing which was a 30 minute work out.  I wasnt going to go as l was soooo tired and meaning l had to get up at 7am.  But in the end l thought to myself get out of bed you fat ass!  Not really a nice thing but if l didnt do it l wouldnt have felt good like l did after.

Me and G went for a walk last night around the park, it was good to have that walk as it gave us time to talk about things that made the relationship break etc.  Im just hoping l dont stuff it up again as l do love him so much and would find it hard to not have him in my life.

I have weight watchers at 11.30 not expecting to have lost much due to the fact that l have had a bit of a bad week picking lots.  But we will see.