10/19/2005 - just take my heart when you go...
Posted in Unspecified

i have been listening to the song "just take my heart"... and i feel completely miserable.


you see... it was like this. when i was in second year high school, i feel like i am just an ordinary teen with an extraodinary personality. i had the perfect life. i had my friends who always got my back, i have my family who loves me... and i have myself to blame for ruining it all.


it was because i was so dumb to make the right decision.


i met this guy. he was my friend back in first year then by the end of that year, we became the best of friends... it was the time when he liked someone else. i was his crying shoulder, his personal adviser, his best friend. then because of all the time we spent together, i felt like i was falling hard for him. he was like a big brother who always protected me, who showed me the bright side of things when my spirits are down... he was always there to catch me.


i will be a total liar if i say i did not love him, i did. he was my first ever, god i hate to say this... he was my boyfriend. at first i was really happy but as time passes by, i knew i was not. there was something missing in him that i can't make out. my friends told me to follow my heart... my mom said that maybe... i was just not ready for such a thing. yeah, i loved him. i was afraid to lose him but i really have to let go. i don't want to hurt him for turning away everytime he wants to see me just because i have a crab inside my head that won't stop munching on my brain. then after three and a half months of being together, (all of that was over the summer)... i broke up with him. i had to. i am of chinese descent and he was filipino... not that i am bragging but i belong to a rich family of chinese businessmen and i am the heir to the family business, alongside some cousins... it was a family tradition that if i were to choose someone to be with, he must be of buddhist link... so that would mean either a japanese, a korean, or a chinese. because of the missing feeling and the family tradition, i broke up with him.


not that i just took advantage of his kindness, it's not that... it's just because i don't want to keep him hanging when what i want to do at the moment is enjoy my youth, being alone and free.... finding myself and my place in my own little world. after my break up, my best friend, xerez was with me. she helped me a lot. she was one of the people i ran to for emergency help... at first i was all giddy and i even said "i'm free"... but i realized i missed him... but i don't wanna take him back. i have an illness that i inherited from my dead big brother... he died of leukemia... and i was said to possibly have it... hurts so much... yeah. i know.


then i realized a big turn in my life... being with him opened my eyes. maybe i was just missing my big brother so much... and i want him to be back here to take care of me but damn it he died when i was barely five! i wanted so badly to dig him out of that stupid grave and tell him that i want him here, right now! how i miss you "kuya abe"... he was jose damian alberto... his chinese name was shui ran, while i was li ran... i miss him so much... my mom said that maybe i was just longing for my beloved kuya and he was just like a ig brother and so i thought i was so in love...


mom was right. she always was. she knows how close i am to my big brother and i was devastated when he died. my big sister was as hurt as i was and she agreed of my mom's theory... then i knew they were right. i was too young to love... i was to young to even dare to define that abstract thing. now i am regretting that i ever claimed to be in love. i've hurt his feelings and all i can say was i am sorry for doing so... if only i wasn't so dumb then maybe he won't be as hurt as he is now...


well, we're still classmates... and luckily, still friends... he said he still loves me and when i heard it, i just want to scream and jump off a cliff, "enough"!!! i don't want to hurt him anymore... i feel so guilty and i don't want to accept things that can add up to that. maybe i was just not the one for him and he's not the one for me. i miss him, but i have to let go of him. no i am not even sure about what i feel for him, all i know is that i am glad my friends and i are back together... my family trusts me better now than how they did before... and now, i don't want to fall in love again... fall as how i claimed i did before.


you see.... uhm... remember the "story" i was telling you here before? yeah... him... the japanese guy... well... he admitted that he likes me but just like me... he's afraid of committing and ending up getting a shattered heart... i agree with him. he said that since kindergarten, he liked me and he hoped that someday, he can say what's in his heart... i wasn't able to answer him then, i just stared at him blankly. for as you can see, i don't want to end up making the wrong decision and ending up regretting things all over again. i don't want to hurt someone and i don't want to get hurt myself... not anymore that i am starting to find my dreams! not now!


so i guess i just have to go where the wind takes me... in my own little world, i am free... free to be me. the person i wanna be.... i learned from my lessons and i won't do my mistakes again. maybe it was kuya abe's way of teaching me that life is like a one-way street... you can never go back. and i have to face the consequences of everything i do. and i should thank him for everything he did for me.


kuya, wherever you are... this entry is dedicated to you. i miss you so much!!! if only tears can bring you back to me, then i'd cry as much as i can. i love you... i know that you're watching above me... and i'll always be you're "little angel" when now, you are my angel. i love you big bro!

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