i know i'm a crack. a whack-pack. a crazy, feisty, happy-go-lucky girl without a care in the world or in anyone's world. i loved being myself; being around the people whom i treasure deep in my heart... but something's gotta give. everyone's got to make choices and some circumstances are simply unavoidable. due to my family's state, i don't know if i will have to leave this country to pursue higher standards of education in some other country of which i don't know. look, i don't wanna end up like my sister being so homesick and all and crying her butt out for someone to take her home. cause you see, if i agree to do so it will only mean leaving myself behind. i will leave my happiness which include my family, my friends, my (okay... fine!) school life... my beautiful school life although all the do this-do that bugs me... my home. i have always felt that the philippines is my home and i would not be bargaining for any other place to be. yeah this is such a ragged hell of a country but i lived here all my life and i would not trade the life i had here for anything... even for the better. it's a selfish decision, i know... but how can you expect me to do such a great job in somewhere that i know is not the right place where i am rightfully meant to be? i have dreams, i have life. i have my own head to put myself in place. as my brother always told me, i am not supposed to be going around trying to please everyone for all those people will just feel so comfortable in bossing me around as much as they have already did. what i have to do is be myself, and if that doesn't please anyone, then so be it. it's not my fault and moreover not my loss. so now what i'm going to do is think this stupid matter over. i don't want to be seen and remembered as the girl who blew up everything she might have had in her life. it's not like i will not be able to go on with my life as i live it the way i would want to. i just can't stop thinking of all the possibilities... and of the things i will have to let go of. it will be a tough decision and a much more tougher time making it. i am not being philosophical nor paranoid of anything, i'm just spilling what i have in mind that i have to intentions of keeping locked in and stored. oh well, i would rather eat lunch than go on racking my brain for the next hour...