Being a girl is hard. Being a teenager is hard. Just by living a life full of struggles each and every day can be hard... or rather, frustrating enough to claim that you´re better off losing your sanity than forever living like there´s no tomorrow when all the while, you´re living in a world full of endless lies and hypocrisy.

No. If you´re thinking I´m just another one of those punk wannabes and emo kids who did nothing but hate the world, you are wrong. I don´t have to be one of them just to show how much I hate the world. But hate is such a strong word and I´d rather not use it when I am talking about life. I am just a teenager, trying to find my place in this world, whether I am to have a place or not. At times I care about the world as a whole, oftentimes I care about the ones surrounding me... and most of the time, I care about myself. See? I am not one of those people who make up stories of being more like a saint just to look good. I am no hypocrite. I admit when I´m being selfish. I also admit when I´m doing something wrong and my conscience is bugging me off my wits. And most of all, I am not afraid to say when I lied, I messed up or when I want to break down and cry. Yup, you can say I´m a brutally honest person but not as honest as you think. I am unpredictable. I am only honest to those whom I can trust and not as honest to those I am afraid to trust. Before, I was really fast in giving people my 100% trust and I usually end up being backstabbed and since then, trust have been a big deal in question when it comes to my points of view. That´s why I am not questioning the emo´s beliefs since everyone has a right to hate but at the same time, no one has. You can hate it as much as you want, but remember, the world existed long before you did so you can´t really destroy it though you hate it as much. No one can. We live in a world of infinite possibilities but in every infinite existence, a limitation serves as a crossroad, a hindrance for every one of us to overcome.  Courage is in question, along with wit and the smarts to match. But no matter how hard you try, it´s always the influence inflicted upon you that prevails. What you see and what you think is right, you copy. Then by that, you only focus on yourself. You only believe in what you think is right... or what should be right in your own opinion. And that is wrong. Open your eyes... you see? We live in a world full of pretenses! Tell me, are you really that strong enough to admit to someone that you lied? Or that you messed up? Or that all you wanted to do is turn back the time and hope that you can change? All I can say, I´ve been there and done that. At first I was frightened that I can´t regain my true self when I admit my wrongdoings but all it takes is a knack for honesty and you´re on your way to the light! Normally, you would be forgiven... some won´t but you can´t do anything. Faults should serve as lessons and not as nightmares to haunt you forever. No one is perfect and no one should ever try to be. Perfection is never in the same boat as humanity. Like duh, you´re trying to be perfect? Way to go, you´ve been dreaming half of your life, aren´t you?!

I have encountered many of these instances in my high school years. Believe it or not, those situations can occur every day, even in the company of your so-called friends! Trust me honey, friends and best friends are two different kinds of people. Friends can stab you in the back but best friends don´t carry knives. Don´t understand? Read between the lines. A friend is somewhat lying in between the line of truth and lie. Assurance is undeniably below C level but when you say "best" friends, years of hardships overcame together, a high wall built by ultimate trust... you get the picture. I learned the difference by merely spending the most critical years of my life with the people I treasure with all my heart... and the people I wished I never met.

No, I am not being harsh or badmouthing those people who made my life miserable in high school. I´m just speaking of the truth that I realized by merely jumping in the pit of despair they prepared especially for me. Traitors, that´s a bad name... they should better be called jerks rather than traitors. For anyone can be a traitor and being labeled as one can really hurt... but a slang word like "jerk" can fit the spot without letting a heart bleed that hard.

Now where was I... yeah! I remember now... I am talking about friendship, right? Right... so moving on, i experienced it all... as far as i think. I had my best friends that I will never trade for anything and there are the people or the jerks as I have said.... the ones that i would do everything just to get them sold and dumped in a waste bin!

In my previous journal entry... my best friend reviewed it and thought that it was for her. I was really shocked that she thought it was meant for her when i wrote that just to show a guy who hurt me how stupid he was for saying such mean things to me... so then i corrected what she thought I wrote about. See? The hassle teenage years can bring to a budding adult... if only. Yeah, that's what we can all say.

IF ONLY we could turn back the time.

IF ONLY we could say the things we can't say.

IF ONLY we could be what we want and live in a world where we can be ourselves.

IF ONLY life is something ideal... something perfect.

IF ONLY these are real.

Don't believe me yet? Then look within your heart and soul and ask yourself if you're a hypocrite like all others or not! Me, i just realized that I am thankful that even if I do hide in a mask that only the people close to my heart are allowed to see through, at least I can speak my mind.

note: hey xerez! this isn't about you, okay? i just read an article about teenage life and it somehow provoked my thoughts and so i wrote this piece down... ja!

till then, all i can say is i wish i can go back in time and correct whatever i did wrong but for now, that will remain a fantasy.