so i guess that stupid frozen ice cream got the best out of me...

i can't imagine that my mom's not here anymore... days before, i used to stay up and sleep at 3am and spend my time contemplating on how things would go when my mom leaves. those sleepless nights and days bugged the heck out of me. my brother told me i'm a phantom hauting my own soul... why he said that, i don't know why. and so i now have my fair share of these black stuff... shading the under-my-eye part of my face... and i couldn't feel more tired than i already am.

now, i will go home to my mom's house, asking her presonal secretary where she is and get an answer like this, "she's in america, remember?" from her teary-eyed secretary who misses her as much as i do. for some reason, i'm starting to hate that particular country... no offense or whatsoever... i just can't bare the fact that most of my loved ones go there and work...

last night we dropped my mom off at the airport and as my friends text me and comfort me, i said i won't cry... and i didn't... not until i hugged my mom goodbye. the gesture just broke me apart and i realized i will not be feeling the warmth of my mom's hugs for the next few years. she went inside, waved goodbye... i waved back and got into the car. i sat there and cried my heart out. no one can blame me for cyring again and no one even had the courage to stop me. my bother cried silently, not wanting to have the same looks thrown at me by my dad(surprisingly he came with us) and my relatives. almost all of us are crying...

it's really hard, even just thinking of my next years having my mom to talk to me over the phone. i will graduate high school without her saying that she's proud of what i have accomplished. i miss my mom so bad. friends comfort me and my relatives comfort me but the real comfort i'm looking for is something only my mom could give. at some point, i am proud of her. i'm happy for her. now she can do what she wants to do, and that is get a job and build a career. i know she can do it and i'm not the selfish daughter i thought i am and i know that i better let her be to ensure she'd be happy while i add up to that happiness by calling her once in a while after i save my money to buy another cellphone.

it's no use crying like a stupid little baby... i can get by. i got by when i was younger, what more now that i can think for myself? i'm sure pulling through may take time but i can do it.