hello misery. hahaha. it's been over a year since i last posted anything here. maybe because i was just too tired. too lazy.. tooooo everything. xp my first term in college ended with a blast. a literal blast and yes i did fail math. but for crying out loud, i don't really care. why should i? i won't prescribe medicine using algebraic expressions if ever i become a doctor... well... i don't know. i guess i have to put up with it. i'm just updating this blog for the sake that it would contain something more recent.

i'll do something more worth reading the next time i find the chance to do so. deal with me. T_T

melancholic reminiscent

once again, i start to cry...

looking up at this vast, dark sky, memories of you flood my mind

my cold and barren heart left in misery

i close my eyes

trying desperately to decipher my thoughts

these random thoughts sifting through my soul

getting the best of me

yet my efforts are left in vain

still, the tears fall down

uncontrollably

i must say i lost control

i am left with no strength nor interpretation

i shift my glance and stare at the mirror

your face just came into view

how can that happen? i ask myself...

you never stood beside me, yes... you never did.

you think you can manipulate my way of thinking

i hate to break it to you but you got that fact wrong.

i won't let you do that.

you always think you know what's right!

sometimes, i just want to walk up to you

confront you straight to your face

tell you how much i hate you

how much i resent the fact that you exist

and that you just can't get your own life and get off mine...

every day i act like nothing's wrong

and i seem fine.

yet deep inside all i wanted to do is run away.

from you.

from them.

from everybody.

i want to go to some place where no one knows me

no one cares

no one will point out my mistakes nor try to hurt me

nor try to break my fragile heart and shatter my lost and weakened soul... i am miserable.

i am cold.

desperate to get out.

i hate you.

do you hear me?

do you see me?

well, i like myself and i don't care if you don't.

you're not that good.

you're a LIE.

everyone's a LIE.

a lie i am forced to live with everyday.

a lie i am forced to accept.

a lie i am forced to take as my own fault.

you are the problem here, you see.

i just hope you can feel my rage...

see how much happiness it could bring me if you'd just die.

yes, you read that right.

it will bring me much pleasure.

'cause i don't wanna see your face.

i don't wanna hear your voice.

i'm sick and tired of playing your game and putting up with you.

you and your friends.

i am so tired of taking the blame of the things i never did.

i'm taking a stand.

against you

you and your twisted mentality.

you and your artificial and surreal world.

you and the people who are exactly like you.

yes, i hate you.

i hate you so much but not as much as i hate myself for trusting you...treating you kind...and befriending you.

you said i betrayed you...

but you just switched the fault on me...

the fault that is rightfully yours... yours alone!
you betrayed me

you killed me

i hate you

i don't care if you hate me.

i don't care what you do.

i don't care what you think...

i don't give a damn about you...

this time, you'll pay.

you shall break in the exact same way that i did because of you.

september 30,2006

i still hate you

and i'll always do.

i'm falling out

trying so hard to regain my self-esteem...

but where did it go?

it faded away once more, leaving me in barren misery.

why did it go away? i ask myself...

then it hits me... it's you... you drove it away from me!

you were so great before...

making those promises...

and i was the stupid one, forgetting promises are made to be broken...

you shattered my heart

i'm tired of waiting here for you

i don't have to waste my time

i'm leaving you

you ignored me

now let me see you beg

Slipping down a slide
I did enjoy the ride
Don't know what to decide
You lied to me
You looked me in the eye
It took me by surprise
Now are you gratified
You cried to me

La, la, la, la, la

Don't turn around
I'm sick and I'm tired of your face
Don't make this worse
You've already gone and got me mad
It's too bad I'm not sad
It's casting over
It's just one of those things
You'll have to get over it

When I was feeling down
You'd start to hang around
And then I found your hands all over me
And that was out of bounds
You filthy rotten hound
It's badder than it sounds, believe me

La, la, la, la, la

Don't turn around
I'm sick and I'm tired of your face
Don't make this worse
You've already gone and got me mad
It's too bad I'm not sad
It's casting over
It's just one of those things
You'll have to get over it

Hey, you gotta get over it
Hey, you gotta get over it

It's too bad I'm not sad
It's casting over
It's just one of those things
You'll have to get over it

Don't turn around
I'm sick and I'm tired of your face
Don't make this worse
You've already gone and got me mad

Don't turn around
I'm sick and I'm tired of your face
Don't make this worse
You've already gone and got me mad
It's too bad I'm not sad
It's casting over
It's just one of those things
You'll have to get over it

You'll have to get over it

no, i'm not getting over some stupid jerk, i just like the song... i'm not heartbroken just so you'd know... i just friggin' hate it when boys think they're all that... when they're freakin' not!

yea... this is just one of those days that a certain guy pissed me off... he was just so stupid, thinking that i would cry over him and beg for him to come back...  that has got to be the very last stupid thing i would want to do...  i'm not dumb... not like him!

okay. so i regained my so called, CALM-ness... but really, i have to say this. this feeling is really getting on my nerves and it's starting to bug me. it's like this... have you ever felt something  as weird as this... i'm pissed off over nothing.... (the guy who pissed me off was just about yesterday and i'm over it now) what's pissing me off now is something i'm not sure about. i know i shouldn't be mad at this but i can't help it. it's like my bottled-up rage for this certain person is starting to blow up... i've been keeping it for years now... and i'm sure that if i'm getting pissed for something i'm not sure about, it's gotta be this. i don't know how to say this.... argh.... yea i know i'm kind of screwed-up... but who cares....

it was the first day of the thing i've been dreading all april... it's the thing that i know will definitely ruin my summer.... my last high school summer that is... and i was so right about it! i did ruin everything for me... the first day was a dreadful disaster!

?

first it was fine... i thought it was! until my wristwatch broke down.. great. just great. i friggin' wanted to throw it to someone's face! okay, movin' on... i was supposed to meet my two best friends in ultimart and we agreed to have lunch together.... karen came just as i did and so we had to wait for maan... we waited in chowking... it was fine...and then maan finally arrived...?and then we ate... it was still fine...

?

now on to the bad part.. we, my classmates and i, are going to a stupid summer getaway... getaway from 'oh-so-perfect-summer'!!!!! we have to review for the upcoming college entrance exams! and so, me and karen arrived late... as in... 20mins. late! what a way to start a review term... urgh!

then the rest of the week went better than ever.... it's a good thing that it's not much of the disaster the first day... we arrive on time... no, not early... just on time! haha... and the teachers are... fine. we have a guy professor... and... 2 straight guys and a lady... those are our professors... wah...oh damn... have to go... i've got loads of homework!

your eyes aren't fooling you buddy. yeah... i'm bored enough to scream at the top of my lungs, I AM BORED!!!!!!

for the first time in my life... i feel so bummed out. for about a week or so i never walked out of our oak front door to even take a humble peek at our garden. no, not that i don't feel like going out... it's just that i don't have reasons to go out... plus i'm kinda bankrupt these days... dad cut off my allowance so that i'll be forced to study all my life... but oh no dad, you can't put me like this forever!!! i'll have.... *coughs nervously* revenge?? perhaps... now on with the discussion of my boring summer...!!!! drum roll please.. thank you...

to start off... as i have mentioned, i have nothing to do... the stupid UPCAT review is not until may 8 so that only means... no allowance until the horrible day of may 8... wherein i can't exactly hang out for i have to do the dreaded "s" thingy... S-T-U-D-Y is what it is...and i'm friggin' hating it.

next... i survived weeks of rotting in jail!!!!!! no, not really jail... this house just feels like a jail! all i do is wake up, eat, take a damn bath if i feel like it, go online, watch t.v., get bored for the nth time... and run around the house screaming, "waaaaaaahhhhh"

next.... i can't help thinking about the billions and billions of people out there, hanging out... swimming in resorts... going bar hopping... malling and shopping... *stops* i friggin' hate to think about the other stuff people like them do.

and then it all boils down to this.... as my mommy told me...

"deal with it..."

can i cry now?

can i scream louder?

can i burn down the whole country?? okay this one's a joke.

i know there's so many things i can do... like cleaning up the house... learning how to cook... doing the laundry... studying... but these things are only done by goodie-goodie people... and i'm evil enough to refuse to do these chores!

i don't want to rush into going to school either... god, i'll be in my last and final year in high school... my senior year!!! *bites nails... shakes violently* i'm not in the mood to go back... why? cause it's the last year.. imma miss my firneds and all that things we all do... makes me wanna cry... well anyway... things i also dread about going back to the walls of mah humble school... is the stupid godforsaken subjects i have to pass and a dozen college entrance exams i have to study for... and the million reasons i should stand up for so my dad will finally allow me to take the course i really want. ahw.... don't make me think about algebra just yet... i thought i could forget that after my sophomore year... but hell no, i even had to review about it for this stupid college entrance test... damn....

oh wait.... i think i better go watch t.v...... the southpark is on...

i dun really know why... it just made me wonder... how come it's too easy to say, "you can always say no..." or "you can always refuse if you want to..." .... but it's so hard to really do that! yeah... i just came across that kind of feeling.

you see... i'm torn between a dilemma of whether to go for something or just let the chance pass... a friend told me... "well... there's not a problem in there... really... you can always say no.." and then i thought, hey, she's right... i can always say no... but when i turned to face the person i was about to say no to, my tongue just got all tied up and she was saying how much she's counting on me and that she's really happy that maybe i really came to say yes.... i just wanted to vanish right then and there.... if only the walls can absorb me... *sighs* so there... an obvious trap... all that "you can always say no" stuff seemed to have vanished from my memory that very moment...

argh... if only i had the guts and the bravery to just say no... but really, what's she's asking of me... is a very hard thing to do.

i love being lazy. really, i totally do... and it's just the best thing in the world! you know, when you can just sit back and relax like there's nothing else in the world that you have to do... i totally ignored my cellphone for quite a while... haha! and now... well.. since i dun even have prepaid credits, why bother texting? after the television, i'm here in front of mah one and only love, mah computer! and i just realized one thing... i'm freakin' head over heels for robert pattinson... y'know.. cedric diggory from harry potter??!?! yeah, that's the guy! i friggin' luuuvvv him!!! ohmigosh..... haha! it seems like tom felton-slash-draco malfoy-slash-HP movies crush before... has just been pushed off his seat! haha!!! ahw... too bad he's just going to star in one movie.. screw the story! *sob* just kidding...

i was at friendster a while ago... i just switched browsers! haha... i was looking through the profiles of my childhood friends that i so vividly recall... i just wish they remember me... *sighs* they look... different... so different... i spent almost my whole childhood with them... and they look... so different after around five years of separation!

neil philip... santos?: he was my classmate through grades three to five! and god was he sooo small... he was often teased as a rat! and now, he is even taller than me... and he dyed his hair for god's sake!

timothy joseph bugayong: yeah yeah.... i know he's the one boy i've had a crush on for the longest time... but i think that's over now! haha! hey, we're already fifteen years of age... i've had a crush on him since... grade three?!!? haha! grades three to five only... *lmao* he didn't have a pic of himself.. *shrewd* but as his testimonials and profile says... he looks cute... and probably changed his stubborn attitude as well...

julie villaseca: i remember.... we fought in the school bus for approximately thirty minutes and made up after five minutes! weird... she hated me before... but we're good friends!

chelsea ann trampe: well well well.... she really has grown up! haha! before she was tubby and all.. but now... she looks like a real lady! we text each other frequently... she's still nice....

they are the only four i got access on.... god i miss them.....

nothing in life is ever fair. wounds never do heal... they just stop bleeding. as you go on and live your life like it's something you've always wanted to do... you're a bitch lying to yourself... why? cause you still go on living according through what people around you tell you to do...women should learn to stand up for themselves. yeah, men got the strength and all... but rarely do they have brains to go with their brawn... no, not all men are stupid and all that... but i would bet that 97% of them are... ^_^

so... i think you got the idea of this entry by now... uh-huh... i'm pissed of by someone of the opposite species..... nothing much but really, i'm friggin' hating him more everytime what he did crosses my mind! it went like this...

okay.... so i'm not in the mood to narrate... i'll just say why i hated him all of a damn sudden...

one: he's so.... so... so.... stubborn! he thinks he can have everything his way! no sir... nuh-uh... not gonna buy that!

two: he's so sensitive.... like just one wrong statement you could blow his world to shattered pieces!

three: what a moody freak he is! damn right he is.... one moment he's nice and sweet... the next moment, he's upset and he needs his mommy...

four: you always do something wrong.... that you don't even know about.... *pulls out a knife*

five: he's a nice guy yeah... *plunges the knife intoo a voodoo doll* but sometimes... you just want to kill him... *sees a light* oopsie... no killing... killing's for bad people....scratch that! *ahem* okay... he's a nice guy yeah... but sometimes... you just want to hit him hard on the face and yell out, "what the hell is your problem!??!?!?!?!"

PS: just so you would know, i didn't use any knives nor voodoo dolls as i write this entry... ^_^

the weather today's way.. way... hot. i am desperately needing a pool of ice to swim in and ramble about how mundane the world is... fine! i'm just trying to finish this article so put up with me as i do so.... duh duh duh dum dum dum..... no, i'm not singing a song or humming a lullaby, i'm just trying to get my mind to work since it's been parked in an empty alleyway and refuses to start~ *damn* *curses under her breath* how can i work if the weather's getting the best of me.... winter! come back.. i'm missin' yeah winter, get your icy ass back down here this instance!

*sob*

*sniffs*

i'm trying to get my third chapter up... on fanfiction.net... the third chappie of mah latest story, cliches and casualties... but as tough as my luck seems, i can't push it through! argh! how unfair... i haven't updated since the last two friggin' months and now the stupid system won't let me update my story.... *wails like a little kid* what a freak...

i dunno what's makin' me listen to such sad songs today... maybe because i am sad.... sad because this summer's a real bummer... a total waste. i'm bound to spend the beautiful month of may in a review centre to study for the upcoming college entrance exams... and now imma spend my stupid april month convincing my friends to go out and spend some ole happy days... but until now, i haven't done anything other than sitting in front of my computer from the crack of dawn until the sun comes down and my dad scolds me of having passed my bedtime.... *makes a dumb face* i hate it. i'm overly-exposed to too much radiation and i could really use some time out... and i mean OUT.. outdoors... where i can get some fresh air rather than what my electric fan, paper fan or my aircon provides for me. reading a good book is kinda out of the scene for me today... since i've read all the books i can dig up in this house of ours... woohoo....

i know this entry is way too pointless to understand. sorry.

i've been waiting for the rain to fall ever since i went back here to the philippines.... why? cause it's friggin' hot! it's way too hot... argh! i hate... hate... hate the freakin' weather! damn it... this is too much for me to handle...

*sighs* oh well... i guess i can't really fiddle with the weather... oh and i love checkin' this out... really, all angels should have such an attitude as this! these rockin' angels are truly... admirable!!!!

i love speakin' my mind as much as these little ones do.... *laughs like a complete maniac!*

 

 

 

 

 

some things are just too plain

some people are just to dumb

some things are just a lot of pain

....uhh... i kinda forget what rhymes with dumb!

 

don't argue... imma get mad at ya! T_T

i keep wondering why things were always so unfair... why things never turn out the way i think it should. i always seem to be happy... i smile a lot... laugh a lot... and cry a lot when nobody's looking. i try to act my age but deep inside, i'm just a little girl... trying to find myself...

i've been through many tough times and i'm quite amazed i made my way out.. alive! *laughs*

i met a lot of people....

bound to meet a lot more...

but i simply can't let go of my friends!

guys, this is for you! i love you all!!!

maybe i never should have said what i said. my instincts proved to be so right! well... i just spilled everything about someone to my bestfriend and yeah, it made me feel better. but something's bothering me and i don't know if i should still hold on to that "old" promise i made and just go with the new one or should i hold on? damn... this is confusing me. i don't know if i'm still doing the right thing or am i being such a bad ass bitch.

it goes like this. i promised this guy that i'll try to open up my heart for him once more... but i said I WILL TRY. i didn't promise him that i will but he seemed to have interpreted it that way... and god knows i'm regretting i even promised to try! this sucks... if only i just let him go then maybe i wouldn't have any guilty feelings. all i feel is guilt now... yeah i missed him... i felt something for him before... but all that seemed to have vanished. was he replaced? perhaps yes. cause the "new guy" was a lot better. and i mean it when i say A LOT. the new guy made me feel special the way he never did.

now we go to the "other guy"... well... i honestly did thought it could be him but oh no no... he just has to be out of reach whenever i need him MOST... and hey, he promised to be there... and although he never did ask for anything in return... i was hoping he would give me something that can be considered as a good assurance but up to now, he never did...

so the old guy and the other guy... just has to be temporarily crossed-out from my list... all they do was hurt me and make me feel guilty whenever they should be the ones reaching out to me... hey, i'm the girl here!

i'm pretty sure you're finding it hard to understand what i am saying and i don't want you to understand it. i'm just venting out my feelings and i want to get rid of it all... ALL... do i like the new guy? maybe... but i'm afraid. i don't want to end up being forgotten like what the other two did.

bummin' around can never be this fun...

i'm makin' my own site... where i can write all i want!

uhm... check it out sometime when i get it done!!!!!

i've been drinking hot chocolate ever since i got here and i never drunk anything else whenever we go to some place... i just found out that i've always drunk hot chocolate once a day! yay me!!!

but no, i'm not hot choco girl... i just looooove hot choco... hot cocoa... hot chocolate!!!

and while i'm typing this stupid entry.. i'm drinking one....

damn it! the cold is killin' me!!!! T_T

you read those words right. mickey mouse... the popular vermin... he may appear small to your eyes but when you go to the same place where i went, you'll believe me. HE IS BIG.

okay. so enough of mickey mouse and his size... i just went to disneyland and stayed for two days and so... i have this sort of hang-over. what did i do, you ask? well... i rode a couple of extreme rides... oh not just a couple.. a lot of extreme rides... had some fun... ate a hotdog that's really small and payed seven bucks for it.

i had fun... but i hate the second day i had to spend there... cause my mom's not with us anymore.... she went back to philadelphia for her job... *sighs* so much for having fun....

and so now i am back here.. in front of my aunt's computer... typing this entry... just to let my time fly by. i don't know why but sometimes... i'm contented in doing this kind of thing.. CRYING MY HEART OUT!!!

i miss my mom terribly...

i miss everyone in the philippines....

ahw...

and how i hate myself...

damn.

waaaa...miss na miss ko na tlga ang 3A2-AMPERE!!!!!

miss ko na lahat ng mga kapatid ko sa npakasayang klase ng mga penguin...

miss ko na rin ang mga araw na nagpapakahirap kaming lahat sa

mga gawain... na ngayon ay di ko na nagagawa!!

namimiss ko narin na isulat ang pangalan ko sa mga quiz...

makakuha ng bagsak na score....(as always!! nyehehehehe asus!)

gumawa ng project.. mamili ng materials... kumain ng weny's!!

kumain ng kwek-kwek pag uwian na.... tumakbo sa corridor sa

paghabol sa teacher kpag late ako mag-submit...

bumili kay na pacing kasama ang aking mga kapatid tuwing recess!!!! T_T

makipag-away kay sir jun at ma allan kpag ayaw ako palabasin para bumili ng tissue pag meh sipon ako...

pumuslit sa guard pag walang i.d. o pag late...

matulog sa klase...

mangopya ng lecture pag absent na kahit minsan di ko nagawa kasi nagpa-photocopy nlng ako kasi tinatamad ako...

umuwi tuwing lunch kasabay ang bestfriends  ko...

mag-practice tuwing weekends na kadalasang nauuwi sa endless kwentuhan...

telebabad kausap ang iba ko pang mga bestfriends....

mag-internet para mag-research na nauuwi nman sa pag-ym...

gumawa ng assignment pra sa first period bago mag flag ceremony..

pumila tuwing assembly!

mag-lead ng panatang makabayan...

kumanta ng "lingkod kaming tunay sa pag-ibig sa laguna college...." hehehe

kumanta ng "akin ka nalang" at asarin ng lahat dahil ako... ay... isang... hamak na sintunado!!!

mapagalitan ni ma'am alvero...

magdala ng PE

magpaturo sa aking mga kapatid sa asignatura ng pagbilang

ma-late sa time ni ma'am mendoza at papasukin matapos mag-explain! ^_^

mag-record ng sticks kapag natawag ni ma'am solayao...

tumawa sa masayang subject ni ma'am dee...

makipagbiruan keh suuur jordy at keh suuur sanchy...

ay teka.. enguulbert!!! heheh.... geom!!

waaaaaaaa

LC....

ang masaya at makulay na buhay sa LC...

nga pala... eto pa ang namimiss ko..

ang humiram ng ballpen kung kani-kanino at hindi magsauli kasi naiwala ko... or... nawalan ng tinta... o talagang ndi nmn tuminta...at magdala ng sariling ballpen na ndi nmn tumatagal maghapon at hahantong sa panibagong panghihiram sa panibagong tao...

maghanap ng pamuyod.. sa buhok kong ndi sumusunod!

mawalan at makapulot ng piso...

mangutang ng pamasaheng sampung piso... na naging fifteen... at twenty... at ewan ko kung tataas pa...

kumain ng CHICKENJOY...

pumunta sa mcdo at malaman na naiwan sa bahay ang cupon..

umuwi ng pawisan dahil sa init ng araw at paglalakad dahil naubos ang pera sa pagkain at wala nang pamasahe...

mamasyal sa mall...

sa ultimart...

greenwich... at iba pang fastfood...

makisukob pag umuulan kasi walang dalang payong...

mabasa ng ulan... sa paglalakad.. sa trike.. o sadyang nagpabasa lang..

umuwi ng medyo late... at matakot sa driver ng sinasakyang pampublikong sasakyan... at manalangin na makauwi ng buhay dahil nasayo ang project na isasubmit kinabukasan...

sleepover ng mga kapatid ko sa bahay... nung kami ni tyra... nung JS kasama sina kat at muy... nung kaming 3 nina kat at tyra dahil sa hinayupak na nobela na pinagpuyatan nmin... at ang sleepover namin nina tukne kina kawen.. dahil nmn sa hinayupak na project sa physics...sleepover ng grupo ko sa play kina ems para maghanap ng sound effects na wala ring nangyari...

tumambay sa RCMN kpag hapon para umorder ng pizza cone...

kulitin sina kuya at tita at mag-internet...

naku... ang spag ni na pacing!!!

waaaaaaa... ang makulay na buhay sa LC....

some things are just... not right!!!
yeah... i wanna go back...

back to mah friends

back to mah family

but...

still...

i don't know...

there's always this feeling

that maybe..

there's nothing left for me back there

i might end up being ignored

cause i have missed so much

that maybe

i can't go with the flow when it comes to them...

argh! why did i have to go!?!?!?!!? T_T

o yan... diretsong tagalog na ito... nangungulila n tlga ako sa mga taong naiwan ko sa aking lupang tinubuan.

malungkot... malamig... naiiyak... hehe

pero ayos lng..

kinakaya ko p nmn...

hehehe

pero nais ko parin na makita silang muli...

*sugarfree!?!?!*

ala

maya na

baka maiyak ako