i am needing a pen. badly.

wanna know why? it's because with it, i can set my soul free!

okay... so maybe i'm being overly dramatic but i speak of the truth! i totally need a pen.

first reason, it's freakin' monday again tomorrow and i friggin' lost my pen that was worth 75 bucks (i mean peso here)...

next, i just want to write... i wanna go to the old-fashioned way of pouring out my thoughts...

but heck knows typing is better...

i know this entry is pointless... i'm just looking for a pen...

my brain is under construction

my heart has a razor blade that tears it apart...

i'm broken

i'm bound to walk a path i never chose.

i'm hiding behind my fear

behind my smile

behind the reality that crushes me

hiding from the truth i'm afraid to face.

i run, i search for my solemn salvation.

i found nothing.

nothing is what it seems.

i can't find my answers.

i'm down to my tears that never proved to be of any help.

once again, i try.

and in the end, i cry.

i carry a heavy load on my shoulders...

my knees are giving away.

my soul is bleeding.

the bloody melody is ringing in my head and i can't take it away.

it's like my life is passing my by...

like i am just a fire, burning inside...

and turning everything into darkness.

i cry. i falter. i break down.

then again, i was brave enough.

brave enough to say i never did anything right.

whew! exam days are done for... and my grades are done for! gaaah! stupid teachers, they gave out coverages and put in nothing about it in the exams! how unfair! argh! if only i could give them a good payback... just to let them know that if their teachers way back in their own high school days tortured them, they are not given a single right to torture us as well! heck, how i hate it.

next... i'm just wondering why people keep acting like they know everything and keep blabbering about how special they are! i just hate it!

no, i am not starring in a shakespearian play saying that hamlet line... i'm just saying it as it is... should i be or should i be not? that's the only question bugging me... it's a deep irony tearing me apart. i hate making choices when it comes to friendship but i am left no choice but to decide between two options.

one: i choose this, and i will forever hate and be hated by the two of them. it's because in here, i will not tell them my reasons and just let time take its stance and destroy the wall that separates me and my other friends from this two girls.

two: i choose this and it will be fifty:fifty. it's either they take my reasons and understand... oh wait, not only mine, but the reasons of all of us against their wrongdoings... or they will just scorn us like we would do if they do not open their minds. they are being decieved by their own anger and i am no hypocrite, i am not really sure if i'm being decieved by mine... but i'm pretty sure that i did not do anything wrong.

*sighs* if only all of us could go back in time... then we would not have to deal with all these revelations.

gomen nasai... for everything.

i know i can say this practically everyday, that i'm dreadfully sorry for every little mistake that i do... but this time it's different... it's much harder for me to say sorry that counts for all the wrong things i did, ever.

to my mom, sorry if i made you cry right before you boarded that plane. i'm sorry that all i ever did is whine when you want me to do things that i don't want to do. i'm sorry if i can't help but be stupid sometimes.

to my dad, i'm sorry if i'm just that good. i'm sorry if at times i can't tend to what you want me to do. i can accept the fact that i'm weak but i want you to be proud of me for what i am.

to my grandmother, i'm sorry for being like a little stupid kid. i'm sorry for letting you down at times. i'm sorry if i hadn't washed the dishes last night... i forgot about it. sorry.

to my grandfather, i'm sorry if i sit beside you and cry and never bother to tell you the reason why. no, i'm not leaving you out of my life, i just don't know how to tell you that i'm hurt or what.

to my brother, i'm sorry if i'm such a snob... if i'm always like what you said, you know, like a phantom haunting my own soul... i never meant to be that way... maybe i just am.

to my aunt, i'm sorry if i'm always miserable... and no, i'm not a goth or emo or punk... i'm completely normal and average for a fifteen-year-old... you don't have to worry.

to my best friends, sorry if at times i can't find the way to lighten up... maybe i'm just caught up in what i'm thinking and i can't think clearly. i hope you understand.

to my friends, i'm sorry if i still can't bear the fact that you backstabbed us for some reason. i forgive you but i'm sorry if it had to be this way.

to my classmates, i'm sorry if i can't find the way to reach out to you guys and open up. i'm just... a little bit shy and i don't know what i'm losing. sorry.

to my teachers, sorry, i don't mean to be another wretched kid. i do study, i do get high grades... but i'm sorry if at times i'm too noisy... i just want to have some fun. sorry.

to my cousins, sorry if i can't spend much more time with you guys, school's practically beating the crap out of me... but summer is coming soon.

i know i have so much more apologies to post... i'll post specifically and even more... humurous. i hate drama.

so i guess that stupid frozen ice cream got the best out of me...

i can't imagine that my mom's not here anymore... days before, i used to stay up and sleep at 3am and spend my time contemplating on how things would go when my mom leaves. those sleepless nights and days bugged the heck out of me. my brother told me i'm a phantom hauting my own soul... why he said that, i don't know why. and so i now have my fair share of these black stuff... shading the under-my-eye part of my face... and i couldn't feel more tired than i already am.

now, i will go home to my mom's house, asking her presonal secretary where she is and get an answer like this, "she's in america, remember?" from her teary-eyed secretary who misses her as much as i do. for some reason, i'm starting to hate that particular country... no offense or whatsoever... i just can't bare the fact that most of my loved ones go there and work...

last night we dropped my mom off at the airport and as my friends text me and comfort me, i said i won't cry... and i didn't... not until i hugged my mom goodbye. the gesture just broke me apart and i realized i will not be feeling the warmth of my mom's hugs for the next few years. she went inside, waved goodbye... i waved back and got into the car. i sat there and cried my heart out. no one can blame me for cyring again and no one even had the courage to stop me. my bother cried silently, not wanting to have the same looks thrown at me by my dad(surprisingly he came with us) and my relatives. almost all of us are crying...

it's really hard, even just thinking of my next years having my mom to talk to me over the phone. i will graduate high school without her saying that she's proud of what i have accomplished. i miss my mom so bad. friends comfort me and my relatives comfort me but the real comfort i'm looking for is something only my mom could give. at some point, i am proud of her. i'm happy for her. now she can do what she wants to do, and that is get a job and build a career. i know she can do it and i'm not the selfish daughter i thought i am and i know that i better let her be to ensure she'd be happy while i add up to that happiness by calling her once in a while after i save my money to buy another cellphone.

it's no use crying like a stupid little baby... i can get by. i got by when i was younger, what more now that i can think for myself? i'm sure pulling through may take time but i can do it.

okay... so i've been really bugged by all the stress i'm getting. stress i'm getting at home, stress brought by the courtesy of those so-called friends of mine... myself... argh! i don't know how i can stand all this!

i spent my day, coping with excessive boredom and exaggerated thoughts about how life is so unfair. i spent my day hogging the computer, going online and doing my project, ocassionally pausing to eat junkfood and doesn't even bother to take a bath. the cycle is repeated about seven times today and out of three projects, i have accomplished two. not bad for my expected progress. and now, i am trying to watch t.v. (take note, the t.v. is behind me) while i am typing this and i am seriously keeping my fingers crossed that i will not get a stiff neck later on.

as i do these, thoughts bombard my brain and i must say i am not thinking clearly now. i can't get the thought of my mom leaving this friday out of my head. i am not that close to my mom during this year since my parents are already separated. it hurts that i am regretting all the days i could have went to her house after dismissal and try to sit and talk. but my mom is a very busy woman... same as my dad. every time i would muster an effort to have a talk, she'd eventually space-out and tell me that we can talk some other time. well maybe that's the reason why i chose to go home to my grandparents where my granddad will always be willing to listen to me. maybe i just missed my mom so bad that i chose to just hide in my own world and let her come in only when she will bother to knock. it was my mistake. i shouldn't have given up in reaching out to her... and now she will be gone for about three years... meaning she will miss some important turning points of my life.

my prom nights...

my high school graduation...

my first college enrollment...

and every other day i am wishing i should have spent more time with her.

yeah, it's just natural... my dad's going to canada anyways and i will feel as empty as i am feeling now. my granddad said that it's the way things should be... my parents don't agree on anything and i can't force them to even try for me and my brother's sake. it's unfair for me but i would not want to be as unfair as them. i know they're trying to make it up and i am not neglecting that effort of theirs... but still i wish they would see that i don't really need the money, i need my parents. i need to feel that my accomplishments are being appreciated by the people i dedicate it to.

promises are made to be broken and dreams are made to be crushed but i won't let that happen to me.

christmas time should be cold.

because of the snow.

christmas time should be merry.

because of your friends and family.

but damn it, i'll be spending my new year hating every single sound the fireworks make because my mom will be leaving the day before that! seriously, how unfair can things get?........

Being a girl is hard. Being a teenager is hard. Just by living a life full of struggles each and every day can be hard... or rather, frustrating enough to claim that you´re better off losing your sanity than forever living like there´s no tomorrow when all the while, you´re living in a world full of endless lies and hypocrisy.

No. If you´re thinking I´m just another one of those punk wannabes and emo kids who did nothing but hate the world, you are wrong. I don´t have to be one of them just to show how much I hate the world. But hate is such a strong word and I´d rather not use it when I am talking about life. I am just a teenager, trying to find my place in this world, whether I am to have a place or not. At times I care about the world as a whole, oftentimes I care about the ones surrounding me... and most of the time, I care about myself. See? I am not one of those people who make up stories of being more like a saint just to look good. I am no hypocrite. I admit when I´m being selfish. I also admit when I´m doing something wrong and my conscience is bugging me off my wits. And most of all, I am not afraid to say when I lied, I messed up or when I want to break down and cry. Yup, you can say I´m a brutally honest person but not as honest as you think. I am unpredictable. I am only honest to those whom I can trust and not as honest to those I am afraid to trust. Before, I was really fast in giving people my 100% trust and I usually end up being backstabbed and since then, trust have been a big deal in question when it comes to my points of view. That´s why I am not questioning the emo´s beliefs since everyone has a right to hate but at the same time, no one has. You can hate it as much as you want, but remember, the world existed long before you did so you can´t really destroy it though you hate it as much. No one can. We live in a world of infinite possibilities but in every infinite existence, a limitation serves as a crossroad, a hindrance for every one of us to overcome.  Courage is in question, along with wit and the smarts to match. But no matter how hard you try, it´s always the influence inflicted upon you that prevails. What you see and what you think is right, you copy. Then by that, you only focus on yourself. You only believe in what you think is right... or what should be right in your own opinion. And that is wrong. Open your eyes... you see? We live in a world full of pretenses! Tell me, are you really that strong enough to admit to someone that you lied? Or that you messed up? Or that all you wanted to do is turn back the time and hope that you can change? All I can say, I´ve been there and done that. At first I was frightened that I can´t regain my true self when I admit my wrongdoings but all it takes is a knack for honesty and you´re on your way to the light! Normally, you would be forgiven... some won´t but you can´t do anything. Faults should serve as lessons and not as nightmares to haunt you forever. No one is perfect and no one should ever try to be. Perfection is never in the same boat as humanity. Like duh, you´re trying to be perfect? Way to go, you´ve been dreaming half of your life, aren´t you?!

I have encountered many of these instances in my high school years. Believe it or not, those situations can occur every day, even in the company of your so-called friends! Trust me honey, friends and best friends are two different kinds of people. Friends can stab you in the back but best friends don´t carry knives. Don´t understand? Read between the lines. A friend is somewhat lying in between the line of truth and lie. Assurance is undeniably below C level but when you say "best" friends, years of hardships overcame together, a high wall built by ultimate trust... you get the picture. I learned the difference by merely spending the most critical years of my life with the people I treasure with all my heart... and the people I wished I never met.

No, I am not being harsh or badmouthing those people who made my life miserable in high school. I´m just speaking of the truth that I realized by merely jumping in the pit of despair they prepared especially for me. Traitors, that´s a bad name... they should better be called jerks rather than traitors. For anyone can be a traitor and being labeled as one can really hurt... but a slang word like "jerk" can fit the spot without letting a heart bleed that hard.

Now where was I... yeah! I remember now... I am talking about friendship, right? Right... so moving on, i experienced it all... as far as i think. I had my best friends that I will never trade for anything and there are the people or the jerks as I have said.... the ones that i would do everything just to get them sold and dumped in a waste bin!

In my previous journal entry... my best friend reviewed it and thought that it was for her. I was really shocked that she thought it was meant for her when i wrote that just to show a guy who hurt me how stupid he was for saying such mean things to me... so then i corrected what she thought I wrote about. See? The hassle teenage years can bring to a budding adult... if only. Yeah, that's what we can all say.

IF ONLY we could turn back the time.

IF ONLY we could say the things we can't say.

IF ONLY we could be what we want and live in a world where we can be ourselves.

IF ONLY life is something ideal... something perfect.

IF ONLY these are real.

Don't believe me yet? Then look within your heart and soul and ask yourself if you're a hypocrite like all others or not! Me, i just realized that I am thankful that even if I do hide in a mask that only the people close to my heart are allowed to see through, at least I can speak my mind.

note: hey xerez! this isn't about you, okay? i just read an article about teenage life and it somehow provoked my thoughts and so i wrote this piece down... ja!

till then, all i can say is i wish i can go back in time and correct whatever i did wrong but for now, that will remain a fantasy.

yay! vacation at last!

it was our christmas party the other day and due to overwhelming fatigue and stress, i slept the whole afternoon when i got home from the party.

and horray for presents! i didn't expect to get as much this year like i did the other year... it was really touching that even my friends from the other sections sent me gifts! and being the naughty girl that i am, i didn't even wait for christmas to have those gifts opened! and mind you, besides from being really touched, i was really happy in recieving my best friend's gift, a framed portrait of my beloved anime bishounens!

i also got stuffed toys, figurines, toys (hey, i'm still a teen, i can go with toys!), cards, hugs, food... i got a lot! even chocolates! (thanks to vernie) hahahaha! at first, none of us really expected to have a blast at the party but we all did... even ms. dee enjoyed the party! and sir jorda was acting like a mascot and all... he was soooo funny with his big belly, dancing mirumo de pon style! hahahaha! we had dance numbers and song numbers... some did freaky stuff... but it was all good... and funny! plus, the food was really tasty! yummy!

ms. dee and i joined the newspaper dance and she carried me! haha! that was funny... all our games were kind of... "remixed" and it was hilarious!

oh well... i guess this time i really enjoyed our party...

i live in a world full of lies.

my own lies.

their lies.

whoever's lies... it's what encapsulates my world.

i fear that no one will understand me when i try to tell them what's real and what's not when it comes to what i am thinking about. i know i'm sort of hard to figure out but i can get through... i just hate it when the people i wanted to understand me and the ones i expected to do so, believes in what others say about me.

DUH, WALANG MAY KILALA SAKIN NANG GANUN NALANG! mahirap basahin ang nasasaisip ko dahil plastic ako sa sarili ko! ayokong ipakita sa maraming tao kapag masakit na talaga or what. sana lang talaga, yung mga taong inaasahan kong maiintindihan ako ay intindihin nga ako at hindi yung nakikinig nalang sa sinasabi ng iba.

may dahilan ako sa lahat ng ginagawa ko at sana nare-realize nila yon. hindi lahat ng sinasabi ng isa ay totoo. madali naman akong kausapin, makikinig ako at sasagutin ko naman kung ano mang tanong ang pwedeng itanong sakin pero bakit ang hirap para sayo? ang hirap kasi sayo, laging naniniwala ka sa sinasabi ng iba when all the while, kung nalilito ka, ako lang naman ang talagang makakapagsabi ng kung anong gusto mong malaman!

bakit, takot ka? ako takot pero gusto kong sabihin ang lahat dahil gusto kong maluwagan na yung mga bagay na kinikimkim ko sa sarili ko. unfair, oo... pero mas unfair ka! ayaw mo akong lapitan, o kausapin manlang... bakit ba? gusto kitang kausapin pero tuwing lalapit ako, kasama mo siya or kasama mo ay iba... di ko tuloy masabi kung anong gusto kong malaman mo.

teka... bakit nga ba pinipilit ko pang paniwalain ka? e wala na nga pala... ni ayaw mo na nga akong tignan o imikan... ni ayaw mo na akong lapitan! bakit pa ba ako magpapakahirap na kahit pano marealize mo na hindi lahat ng nakikita mo ay totoo...

kasi, laging akala mo, ikaw lang ang nasasaktan! akala mo palagi, ikaw lang ang nahihirapan! bakit kaya hindi mo ako tanungin kung nahihirapan o nasasaktan na ako? kasi, ang mahalaga lang sayo, SARILI MO! akala mo masaya ako sa tuwing tatawa ako? akala mo masaya ako sa tuwing magbibiro ako at mangungulit? bakit ba hindi mo makita? akala ko ba malalim pinagsamahan natin? bakit di mo alam kung kelan ako nangangailangan ng sasalo sakin?

sana lang, nakikita mo... dahil hindi sa lahat ng oras lahat ng bagay ay kaya kong sabihin. mahina ako pero hindi ako ung tao na iniisip mong ganoon... may mga bagay akong gustong ipakita pero may LUGAR din naman ako... di ko ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko kung ayaw mo naman...

marunong akong makibagay at hindi mo ako maaasahang gumawa ng first move... oo, sabihin na natin na kahit papano may pride din ako pero kung ikaw, sana kita mo kung gaano kataas ang ego mo! willing akong kausapin ka kanina pero isang simpleng sagot lang ang ibinigay mo... na parang ang gusto mong sabihin ay wala ka talagang pakialam kahit na hindi maliwanag kung bakit nangyari ang mga nangyari...

ang selfish ko.... ma-pride na kung ma-pride pero bago mo ako husgahan, tignan mo muna sarili mo at tanungin mo kung sapat na ba ang nalalaman mo para layuan mo ako.

okay... to continue my story... well... all of us went home, riding a public vehicle and guess what... the driver was so annoying! he's eyeing us in a way that we had an idea that he might be a psycho freak or something! we phoned each other and talked about the freaky driver. heck, we were driven way out of our wits!

although we really have an idea on who stole my phone.... i just can't stand the fact that she was my friend! hell knows the whole class will definitely make her life miserable for doing something that nearly disrupted the class' unity.

*sighs* oh well... i better change my topic or i'll ruin my day.

so now... i'm just sitting here, trying to make the finishing touches on my 17th chapter in my story, on one way and another.... my mom scolded me for being so stubborn (she can't get me to take a bath when i'm writing)... but i guess i'm just like that and i can't do anything about it.

we have to finish a project today and we did it at my place.. but my dad came home and i'm afraid we had to transfer to another venue since my dad wants to have the whole house to himself for a meeting with his business partners...

damn, how i wish i owned a house so i can use it anytime i want! my dad always makes a function hall out of our house! anyway, so much for that...

i really can't stand the fact that it's monday tomorrow and i have a ton of homework to finish... and to think that this coming friday, it will be our christmas party! i don't think i still want to spend it since our teachers left us a bunch of stuff to do over the break... so much for having a vacation....

i have to run, i gotta start working on my research paper... god knows it bugs me.

hell i'm not talking about watching freaky friday on disney channel for the nth time... it just so happens that it's friday today and what happened to me was really freaky.

you see, last monday, i lost my cellphone. yeah, some freakin' bastard stole it! and god have mercy, the culprit is still unidentified. damn it... it just so happened that it was mysteriously lost inside the classroom where no one have been in except the members of the class and some friggin' bastard or biatch just stole my phone!

so on with my story.... it was friday. during the morning, we just watched the honor society recognitions... it was just as great-slash-boring as i expected. boring in a way when the junior batch isn't on stage.... ahehehe! i enjoyed watching three of my best friends up there, xerez, tyra and katrina... i cheered for them even if it was really embarassing to even do that when i was seated way way at the back of the cultural hall! *friggin' B students stole our seats!* moving on, the program was over around eleven and i ate lunch with karen.... we went back to school early to study for the quiz at exactly 1 pm... fortunately i got 80... which was more than what i expected since i spent my time sleeping rather than studying.... the afternoon progressed and another quiz took place, english that is... i passed... haha... english was always my best subject... i couldn't care less, it's practically the easiest since it was really my primary language... i usually flunk my filipino subject but i pass the rest.

so when dismissal time came, mouya, karen, jl, tristan and me.... went to a pretty far place to try and find a fortune-teller-slash-manghuhula... to see if we could have a go on trying to have clues on who stole my goddamn phone!

it was like we were in a horror movie set... the place was like... far from civilization! and god damn it.... trees, tall grasses and rain ..... it was like we were doing a shoot for the latest spine-chilling movie of the season!

we went home before dusk... since we don't want to make the horror movie-slash-manghuhula hunt to happen for real...

i'll continue this post some other time.... i'm getting pretty scared.

whew! i couldn't be thankful enough to have passed all my exams... and had my report card studded with satisfactory grades... hehe... i couldn't be happier since being a third year student is hard! hard as in extreme... and that is why it took me ages to write another entry here for i had to study...

meeta! i missed you! sorry if i haven't told you about "my experience" yet, well anyway... i think i better tell you via-email.... so what's your email? imma send it to you there!

oh well, i really have to run, gotta study...

maybe it's just not my day today... i don't know why, i just feel a bit out of control... in a way that i don't speak as much as i do from day to day. i am a jolly person and i always laugh at the things i'm supposed to be feeling sad about. it's just me, no more and no less... but today, i just don't feel like being the ME i just said...

i went at karen's place for her birthday celebration... some friends are there... but (even karen for instance) did not feel as good as she expected. out of those few guests she bothered to invite, some kind of... you know, tried to fit in... i'm talking about vina and monique. well.. it was okay in the end but at first, we all felt like walking on eggshells as we tried to talk. out of the things that happened, a boundary or a wall was built way up between us that we can't seem to reach each other anymore. i stayed quiet and mingled with other people but i just did not feel like talking for the whole day. wait a sec, this is not me! i am not used to myself feeling low and down in the mud.. this is sooo not me!

hours from now and it will be my fifteenth birthday.

joy. i have lived for fifteen years straight! hahaha...

hopefully i'll live through tomorrow wherein a bunch of my friends will come by and my family from both my mom and my dad's side will come by too... god knows i need serious help here!

i just wanna cry with no such reason.

i know i'm a crack. a whack-pack. a crazy, feisty, happy-go-lucky girl without a care in the world or in anyone's world. i loved being myself; being around the people whom i treasure deep in my heart... but something's gotta give. everyone's got to make choices and some circumstances are simply unavoidable. due to my family's state, i don't know if i will have to leave this country to pursue higher standards of education in some other country of which i don't know. look, i don't wanna end up like my sister being so homesick and all and crying her butt out for someone to take her home. cause you see, if i agree to do so it will only mean leaving myself behind. i will leave my happiness which include my family, my friends, my (okay... fine!) school life... my beautiful school life although all the do this-do that bugs me... my home. i have always felt that the philippines is my home and i would not be bargaining for any other place to be. yeah this is such a ragged hell of a country but i lived here all my life and i would not trade the life i had here for anything... even for the better. it's a selfish decision, i know... but how can you expect me to do such a great job in somewhere that i know is not the right place where i am rightfully meant to be? i have dreams, i have life. i have my own head to put myself in place. as my brother always told me, i am not supposed to be going around trying to please everyone for all those people will just feel so comfortable in bossing me around as much as they have already did. what i have to do is be myself, and if that doesn't please anyone, then so be it. it's not my fault and moreover not my loss. so now what i'm going to do is think this stupid matter over. i don't want to be seen and remembered as the girl who blew up everything she might have had in her life. it's not like i will not be able to go on with my life as i live it the way i would want to. i just can't stop thinking of all the possibilities... and of the things i will have to let go of. it will be a tough decision and a much more tougher time making it. i am not being philosophical nor paranoid of anything, i'm just spilling what i have in mind that i have to intentions of keeping locked in and stored. oh well, i would rather eat lunch than go on racking my brain for the next hour...

AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.

it's just days till my birthday comes... and i certainly don't feel like celebrating it. i've got tons of reasons why i feel like so.

first... it's MY birthday, right? then why are my so-called friends start to tell me like i'm obliged to invite them and their BOYFRIENDS or better yet, treat them out??? isn't that a bit out of line? they did not even treat me for their birthdays! and damn it, why the heck should they include the boyfriend part?! i have a right not to treat nor invite them to my birthday, right? i am so right!

second... yeah my dad's gonna come home... my mom won't leave just yet... but god damn it! they hate each other! that's why they got separated... they just can't stand one another and if both of them wants to be there on my birthday, will they just start a bickering marathon while i eat my cake?!

third... my sister, she said she'll come but now she said that maybe she can't. way to go to disappoint me there, sis!

fourth... it's my fifteenth year... and it's a long story why this year is special for me... for more details, contact my big brother way up in heaven! haha!!! miss ya kuya!

fifth... it's a school holiday alright... but still, surely they'll give out homework to bug me to death! hate school.........

sixth... i don't want to mingle with plastic guests who are about to show up in my party...

seventh.... i don't want to continue this anymore.